[studio exec who just watched weapons]: What if Alex grows up to change his name to Rust Cohle?

I don't want to hear another piece of wisdom that's fundamentally true, I want to go through it myself and then gush about it to someone else who doesn't want to hear it.

What's for dinner? Why not try, Too Much Salt!

Second rainy day drop off for me and I tracked dog poo through the entire house.

I have no plan for what to do with a bale of hay, but I have one now. #carryshitolympics

You're trying to tell me that a lifetime of shutting down my emotions has not prepared me for this moment?

I ate too much tofurkey, my cilia!

It was the first raining school drop off of the season, and I got completely decked out. Just way over compensated for what turned into light drizzle at 66F

Waking up from a nap to see that the sky is dark and declaring it's Fall. I'm available to be a sleepy town's mascot.

Big year for parasitic creatures in my family. One of the dogs got ticks on a hike, the 5 year old got a leech in a lake, and now the bunk bed we got on Facebook Marketplace spawned bed bugs.

Took a mental health day which was working on my garden. One of our planter boxes does not get enough sun, so I started breaking it down to make smaller ones elsewhere.

Of all the things I've said with poor judgement that my kids have globbed onto, the current one is pretty good. After a rambling explanation of a game that they were making up where we copy each other's drawings of monsters and also guess what they're called, "that's the whole point."

Every software developer has that one decision that has been haunting them for 4 years. I'm tired all the time because of an emoji.

Installing linux as a hangover cure

One thing that has worked surprisingly well with our kids is setting timers. Can we go down the toy aisle? Yea, I'm setting a 5 minute timer. I don't want to take a shower. Ok, set a timer for up to an hour. Incredible

I have a friend who was saying this a few years ago. I didn't really understand it then, but i definitely agree now.

The prompt is: add an 's' to make something completely wrong.

I touched too much grass and got a migraine.

Every time I have one of the basic food dishes after a long hiatus, it's like rediscovering a whole culinary tradition. Like have you tried beans **with** rice?!

At the Legoland castle hotel: the dragon light stays on.

Lounging on a couch while the 6 year old passes me a head of lettuce to munch on, and making sure to give the Chihuahua a bite. Not sure what this is, but it's something.

Trying to find out the name of the band for a song on the radio. It took a friend and I three weeks till we caught the dj saying, 'And that was Female of the Species by Space.' We'd show up to class everyday relaying our listening times and strategies.

Ballistic nylon snuggy, for when you want to nap, but a Chihuahua wants to play.

When did pet dna companies become social media companies?

When you steal 3 pieces of bacon and can't move anymore.

If you need a reason to have kids, or a reason not to, just imagine a five year old sassily singing from the bathroom, "I'm ready to be wiped now!"

The problem with No Kings is that it really limits your Balatro score.

I'm sort of shocked that we're descending into fascism right now. But if it around 2000, and you told me in twenty or so years Donald Trump would be faking an invasion to consolidate power, I'd be like, yea, that tracks.

If I decide to give up my admittedly very loose vegetarianism, the first thing I'm going to do is hike out to some backcountry lake and cook and eat a steak sandwich with chimichurri.

tired: yes wired: no still tired

Straws are for women, big gulps, and tiki drinks.

Why doesn't the US have the equivalent?

Found the western shirt version of the dress

I don't really use q-tips for cleaning my ears, I use them to scratch me ear canal.

One must imagine the Linux user happy.

Feeling bad about myself cause I think I'm sore from drinking too much wine. Then i remembered I spent four hours hand rolling pasta.

oh, you guys are sick of skyrim remasters? guess what dipshits

And in Sacramento, we are rallying to say #HandsOff our right to collectively bargain and organize!

Instead of scratchers or gift cards, please gift me claimed class action lawsuit settlements.

Doing a crossword reveals a bunch of words I don't know the precise meaning of. Finishing the crossword does not help that.

I think social media has progressed to where this is equivalent to posting what your eating

Getting dressed up to go to Church* *IKEA

I don't think I'm getting more conservative as I get older, but my jokes and complaints are getting more boomer.

I'm vegetarian in a way that I don't like to eat things on a scale based on how much I sympathize with them. The humans I don't sympathize with don't look very good to eat.

[my spouse cleaning up ants in the voice of Neytiri]: My cheese!

roomba accidentally saw outside

March 10 implies the existence of an evil month, Warch.

My partner bought a lot of asafetida. The smell is so strong, we put it behind the basement door. Now every time I go into the basement, I think there's a gas leak.

Inside of you are two wolves

At the DMV, now serving G130. G236, is that bad?