My friends 5 minutes before pressing the laugh react on the 7th bad joke I’ve made for the day

Me listening to I Don’t Do Water while I’m in the shower where I am most definitely doing water

Oh yeah that’s the good stuff

🗡️🗡️🗡️

Be being asked to create an RPG character

How I feel single-handedly keeping predator animals away from my property by pissing out the guard rail of my back porch

Friend: “How many glizzies do you want?” Me, a hungry bottom:

Brb coming to grips with the fact that I just realized the guy I’ve been seeing for almost two years now sounds like Ken Page’s Oogie Boogie Man when he’s being flirty

LA can’t find places for their homeless to live but they can host the olympics in 2028?

Warner Bros but it’s British so it’s Warner Bruvs

My toxic trait is if you message me hi and I say hi in return and your next response is another or a different variation of “hi” I’m no longer responding I’m already bad enough at conversation I will not be carrying this chat because you couldn’t think of a follow up.

My body is in constant civil war in regards to which parts of me Must Be Covered By Blanket in order for my brain to go “okay we can sleep now”

@ people who make posts that say “Are (generalizes something about themselves) allowed to (describes something they both want to do and are currently doing)”: Yes, but not you. For you it’s a felony. Go to jail.

Can’t wait for BlueSky to have DMs so I can type and delete the same message 7 times only to coward out and doom scroll tiktoks instead.

Me: “Just talk to them, communication is key.” Also me: *terrified to ask anyone literally anything*

My toxic trait is singing a song really well by surprise and singing it to death until I’ve lost whatever it was that made it sound so good to me before.

Born to be a brat, forced to be the tamer.

New Challenge! Talk about how fucked up the thing Big Dipper did is WITHOUT mentioning his weight or appearance. Bet you can’t! I’ve had enough Internet for the day.

My sister: “What should I send my friend on Animal Crossing?” Me, without hesitating: “A bomb threat.” My sister: “AJ! Something NICE!” Me, still not hesitating: “A BATH bomb threat.”

Me: *joins my family in the living room after shaving my head* Mom: “Freshly shaved?” Dad: “I thought it got brighter in here.” Me: “It did, I almost can’t see your grays.” My family dynamic is great.

Two people having a full conversation in a group chat while the rest of the group chat is busy is the new reply-all email thread

[me, flirting]

Did anyone else have to learn how to walk normal as a kid? I was told so many times about how fuckin’ extra my hips were when I walked and that I had to tone it down. Anyone else?

If you see this, I IMPLORE you to post a picture from whatever device you are using without explanation. Jesus Edition apparently.

Reskeet with a pic of you that could be an album cover

Welp, it’s time.

I think maybe the worst part about living with your folks is the horrifying walk from your bedroom to the bathroom as you go to clean your sex toys just PRAYING no one sees you.

Feelin’ festive

Homosexuals will say some shit like “let’s take this slow” and then that French ass fish from Spongebob will chime in like

How the fuck am I supposed to contain multitudes I can’t even walk and breathe at the same time

Every day I think about how Lizzo got bullied out of using “spazz” in her song because it was offensive to people in the UK meanwhile they’re still out there saying fag regularly and pretend it’s not a problem

Reskeet with a pic and your age 29

Uh oh

Do you think that in the world of gay dogs uncut just means they still have their balls?

When you just took the last bite of your Crunch Wrap Supreme™️ with Diablo Sauce but the top texted askin’ if you could swing by

Sometimes I’ll make a joke that gets the response “what’s that reference from?” and I can never tell if I should take it as a compliment or not. On one hand I’m flattered that they think my humor is on par with something referential but like also hey sometimes I’m just a funny person on my own…

Because it needs to be said again

Reskeet with a hot photo of yourself, to rebalance the universe by countering the influx of Rudy Giuliani mug shots.

Cute / Slut

That awkward moment when you were on someone’s tiktok profile trying to unfollow but you accidentally hit the button that sends them a “👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻” message so they send a “what’s up?” back because they’re not a sociopath and now you gotta respond like you weren’t about to banish them to the shadow realm

Things she ate: That

I BOUGHT THAT PILE OF SHORTS FOREVER AGO AND WAS SO DISAPPOINTED WHEN THEY DIDN’T FIT BUT I NEVER GOT AROUND TO RETURNING THEM, I HAVE MOVED OUT AND BACK INTO MY PARENTS’ HOUSE SINCE THIS PURCHASE I JUST FOUND THEM AND THEY FIT!!!!!!!!!!!

Me fighting the urge to name a one-shot character Whitney Sprout Ection

Reskeet a pic if you’re one of the hottest accounts on Bluesky (you are 🫵)

RS if you wanna be held underwater until your lungs give out or if you prefer cheese on your burgers

Playing Super Smash Bros as Doctor Mario so that I can diagnose computer players with Death

So when are we all allowed to start calling twitter our ex 🤣

The things I do for love

Sometimes sorting through the storage unit of a gay chorus just has its perks