Got a potentially era defining idea… A gloryhole… but you get a vol-au-vent. 🤩🤩🤩

Evening shaggers.

Same

It’s annoying how much I miss Snog Marry Avoid.

New Cross

Got a brand new bottle of Viakal, lads. 😍😍😍

I have not had a beer for a whole week because my body is a temple and it’s been #legday but I have just opened a beer as a treat and my god it’s got me #damp

Pint?

Need someone to feed an AI tart everything that’s ever been screened on ITV3. Keep the genre alive. Imagine a whole new 90s detective drama infused with New Tricks and Taggart.

LonkedOn is amazing at the moment. Some of the most nauseating and desperate engagement-bait I’ve seen potentially ever. Incredibly unenjoyable for all parties. 10/10 🤩🤩🤩

Pint?

GWARN RadaCANu 🎾🎾🎾 #canscanscans

Wimbledon but for curry.

Evening shaggers.

Having a minor operation today and my surgeon is called Dr. Anil. 🤗🤗🤗

Pint?

Got a brand new pack of seafood sticks, turned the tele on and it’s New Tricks followed by Spooks. That’s all my luck for the year in one fell swoop. 😍😍😍

Another day, another dollar* *potentially unsalvageable tshirt

Just caught sight of myself in a reflection, doing an excellent new lean. Didn’t even know I had it in me. Great form meets effortlessly blasé. Exquisite. 🤩🤩🤩

Pint?

It is tres #CHAUD 🇫🇷🇫🇷🇫🇷

Went to Morley’s for some wings and it unsurprisingly turned out to be the least refreshing meal. 🥵🥵🥵

Been treating the families of Greenwich park to a masterclass in drinking #CANS today. I have been an exquisite specimen. 10/10 Namaste. 🧘🧘🧘

I’ve been at a conference all day except it was creative, so they called it a festival, because everyone is unbearable. 🤗🤗🤗

Peter Rabbit is such a benefits cheat.

Pint?

Did a 50/50 mix of barbecue sauce and Cholula hot sauce this evening for my #NUGGETS and it was a triumph. 😍😍😍

Evening shaggers. Everyone #TURGID for Friday?

Pint?

Iran breaking a ceasefire at the same time I buy some radishes that now turn out to be soft… Coincidence?!! 😡😡😡

Hope you’ve all pressed your #SLACKS in preparation for monYAY. 😇😇😇

John Wick but it’s about curry. 😋😋😋

Ooooh! One step closer to a nuclear winter. 😍😍😍

Perfect weather to sit in a lovely dark shop conversion pub and scroll LinkedIn. 🤩🤩🤩

Heard you like weather.

This red hot peasant wagon is doing nothing for my #SPUDS

Got a surprisingly moist #GUSSET and it’s only 10am. 🤠🤠🤠

Mâns in Burgess Hill. Lock up your nanas, The Barnet™️ is in town. 😎😎😎

Absolutely adore cans. 🤩🤩🤩

Pint?

I’m going to Brighton tomorrow on a jolly and am planning on being pretty horrible to my body. 🤩🤩🤩

Thank the Lord for highstreet lager on days like this. Namaste. 🧘🧘🧘

Män is one sweaty #GOTH fám.

Eating a red Peperami before the dentist because if I’m paying £75, you are not allowed to enjoy a moment, you thieving little turd (with nice teeth). 🥳🥳🥳

When I was young they kept innovating around tea bags. Every ad was look, we've made them round. Look, we've made them a pyramid. Now they've just stopped. This isn't the future I was promised.

Went for a nice Father’s Day lunch. Mum got hammered and shit herself. Namaste. 🧘🧘🧘

I’m in a church hall at a kid’s birthday party #notapaedophile and one of the mums has a LinkedIn water bottle. Saturday is the new Monday. Absolutely in awe of this woman. What a power play. 🤣🤣🤣

New Tricks is starting, lads! 🤠🤠🤠

There’s nothing ‘fun’ about a ‘fun size’ Peperami. It’s a complete mugging off. 😡😡😡 #streetsausages

Almost Monday, so you might as well have all that booze in the cupboard over there… 😇😇😇