Oh you guys hooked up last night? Did he,,, give you his knucklebones ?

Geese are not provably heterosexual

HOW CAN THERE POSSIBLY BE MORE TO SAY ABOUT DOWNTON ABBEY

Is everyone in this restaurant looking at me weird bc my tits are out? Yes. BUT. I am choosing to live in a reality where they’re all just obsessed with me

Goodnight, skeet prince

Just took a workshop on empathy and communication and one lady left yelling “I guess I’ll just do your job since you can’t!” at someone on the phone. Like girl get back in here!!! You did not listen!

tboys

Poem of the day is this broken clock at my office that’s permanently stuck at 4:58 pm. Severance core

call me Michael Bublé the way I’m laying on my boobs

Guy on Hinge opened with “I bet moms love you” not mine, girl!!

i'm on bluesky for the scientific community

Showed my fiancée my new teddy bear (who admittedly has an orphan Annie vibe) and she hit me with “that looks like a bear you’d give someone who was dying”

My dad will give directions like “head east for a mile” like ok Sacagawea can you just tell me which Taco Bell it’s closest to

Cannot believe kissanime is still going. You truly can’t keep a bad bitch down

Just had to put away my phone at the bar bc someone was talking to me and I deadass was like 😡 my emails

If you’re ever having a tough time just know I’m always here to provide immoral support. Kill him

Had to draw me and my gf @tinysquash.bsky.social

Anyway everyone go play the Detective Frog games they’re so good they cured my depression @gracebruxner.bsky.social

They’re playing Fergalicious? At the Promenade? How cosmopolitan!

Not responding to texts tonight, just found out my girl has been sending weavings to other maids

I went to the Dual Spires Annual Cinnamon Festival and all I got was threatened

Duchy, as a land title, is decidedly unsexy; but Barony? Mysterious. Rakish. Charming. Take me there posthaste

As you can see, the driver’s seat in my car is immaculately clean, whereas the seat where my passenger princess sits is full of devilry

Is there any consensus on when we should start referring to them as The Backstreet Men

It’s so wild that my hair got curlier after I went on birth control? That should be the implant’s slogan: “Your hair could look better or worse. But it WILL look different.”

4/5 dentists recommend… being a dentist

A lot of english protagonists are Like That because they live on some rainy gray moor, and if they just went somewhere warm on vacation once they would be normal. Not Mr. Rochester. Not even Jamaica could fix him

Woody Guthrie: there’s a guy in Oklahoma who robs the rich and pays poor people’s mortages/gives them the equivalent of $22,000/buys an entire country Christmas dinner Woody Guthrie: also he’s hot. That’s important to know

People who think jazz is bad do not understand what jazz is. You’re telling me you think Ella Fitzgerald sucks??? Headass

Living in a society that moralizes health sucks. Can’t believe I am getting a bad grade in Having Bones

Daily affirmation: I am long. I am strong. I am down to get the friction on.

I must have gotten one of those therapists that only exist in romantic comedies because I told her all my problems and she was just like “I think you need to have more sex.”

She grind on my root till I mulch

Liking homestuck posts at the club

Yeah I promised my psychiatrist I’d take better care of myself but I draw the line at eating breakfast

Nothing will ever top Gina Linetti ditching work and just leaving a sign on her desk that said “ Gone Leavin’ “

No one better catch me crying at my desk right now because I’m not about to admit that it’s because I watched The Rescuers: Down Under at lunch

Me: “your eyes are like bluebells… covered with morning dew” My gf: “you’re a dude…….. that I appreciate”

Laundry detergent commercials are so funny. Oh, is your load of $24 plain target t shirts and mid-rise medium-wash jeans fading? Maybe that will make your outfit look the slightest bit interesting

People are so mean to me just because I am bad at my job and don’t know anything

Elizabeth Bennett stayed with Mr. Collins for a MONTH and then Lady Catherine tried to order her to stay two more weeks. If she said that to me I would have found the nearest tenant farm, laid down in the pigpen, and let myself be devoured

I could not live in Pride and Prejudice times. All there was to do for fun was stay at someone’s house for months at a time. I don’t care how much I love you, if I have to be away from my own house for more than one day I am walking out into your lavish estate and finding a bear to maul me

The Bible gets sillier with every new thing I learn about it. I just got used to Mark and now you’re telling me Jesus was hanging with some guy named Andrew

I’m never more than a split second from turning into Jeeves. “Oh, there’s a rock in my shoe, fuck me” I’m certainly endeavoring to, sir

Tumblr is so full of great drama. Girl, people might be more willing to send you money for a lawyer if you tell us what you’re charged with

I understand that fantasy books need a lot of exposition but PLEASE spread it out throughout the book. Like it’s fine if you’re Lord Gristhaven from the Galka region of Dithering Garden but I can learn a maximum of two new silly names per page

I’ll see a person with a worldview and say “could be bigger” and immediately do my best to crack it wide open like a pistachio. And I hope others will do the same for me