I woke up from a deep nap, immediately grabbed my phone and opened Zillow. The house with the shower in the dining room closet was still there. I had to make sure I hadn't dreamed it.

I just Don Drapered my cats. THAT'S WHAT THE DRY FOOD IS FOR!

I took it again tonight. Stan had better give me a wide berth.

I play a billiards game on my phone and last night I was furious with a man named Stan and just now I got a friend request from Stan. I snarled STAN! and then accepted his request because I have no clue why I'd been so mad. Sometimes Benadryl just hits me weird.

Hmm. I'm married to Randy Quaid and Benjamin Bratt flirts with me at the pool. Am I guilty of murder by the end of this movie? Probably. Probably.

Is there any logic, any at all, that I could press on my puffy eyelid and blood would come out my nose?

I hope Bon Jovi bought something cool enough with his State Farm money to make that humiliating ad worth it.

I hate that techs aren't allowed to tell you anything. Did I pass my echo? Did I fail? Do you always scowl like that?

I'm watching Haven and the FBI agent spoke to an Agent Howard on the phone. Haven and The Closer are now connected in my mind.

Frances thought I was stealing her baby blanket for my own personal use but I was showing her it makes it like I'm wearing pants when I'm not wearing pants. Now she thinks I'm a genius. Still no apology, though, for the theft accusation.

If you're a vampire and the whole world is nuked - all people and animals dead - what do you eat? You're immortal, so what do you do?

Every night Fruit Stripe paws at the TV screen trying to free an actor. After about 15 minutes, he checks the bottom of the TV, even feeling around it with his paws, like a human does with a vending machine. I'm going to find a Barbie and drop it from behind the TV. I'm very excited about this.

JUST LIKE AT HOME NO ONE CARES

I have the worst headache and I'm only allowed to take Tylenol which, for me, is like swallowing pea gravel and expecting it to relieve pain. Idk why I'm telling you this. I just need someone to know of my suffering.

Frances is in her cuter alternate onesie now and I can't show you because she insists on being wrapped in a baby blanket 23.5 hours a day. This cat is healthy, she just needs to let protective fur grow on her tummy.

My onesie cat hadn't pooped for 2 days and she got very angry when I put her in the litter box yet again. She jumped out and pouted. Then my son scratched in the sand with the scoop and she couldn't get back in fast enough. I flashed back to a traffic jam in Chicago when I had to pee so badly and...

Gonna have a yard sale just prior to listing my house. I'm tired of giving people I don't like free stuff just to get rid of it. Thinking of wearing a v-neck shirt so my scar shows. Would you haggle with someone who has a fresh chest scar?

IF YOU LICK IT, YOU GET THE SUIT I yell at Frances like I'm Jame Gumb.

Day 3 of Frances in a onesie: She got bored and stopped pretending she was paralyzed... until she saw me. She couldn't explain how she got to the top of the cat tree. Is currently chewing off the trim on the leg hole.

Frances, as we approach hour 24 of the modified llama onesie, seems to have accepted her fate.

Jesus, @shelleyelwood.bsky.social. Don't ever fall down again!

I don't take joy in sedating cats and I can handle them in most situations but Frances screams in the car until she poops and then all the other cats scream MOM POOPED MOM POOPED MOM POOPED

Question: How often can you sedate cats? Not big sedation, minor sedation. Obviously for travel across the country, but I'm trying to figure out how to show my house for selling. I don't want to leave my cats in the house alone, not even in a cage, because people here are freaks. (1 of 2)

I just explained to Teaberry that it's okay to have a same face or a different face, both are good and all are pretty. This is a typical conversation for me to have but it's the first time I've felt concerned by it.

I need to discuss Warfarin with my cats again because if they understood the first time, I don't think I'd be covered in watery blood right now.

It occurs to me that if Junior were an only cat, I wouldn't know what an asshole he is.

I was straightening the 3,000 pieces of bedding on my bed and Fruit Stripe got angry because I covered too much of the crocheted afghan with a quilt and he also showed me that the afghan was sliding off a corner of his pillow. He is about to take a star off my Yelp review.

I'm watching The Long Walk because I need something uplifting.

"Why did you go up North to have your surgery?" Answer no. 64: The Southern lab lost my blood today so we're just taking a guess at my thinner dosage.

I started cardiac rehab today and not to brag but I kicked ass next to those weak sauce 80 year olds.

I'm being asked to make a decision I don't feel ready to make. It came out of the blue and I wish we had private accounts because this skeet is pointless.

@ginerso.bsky.social Hey! If you're awake can I dm you a quick question?

Chiclet is asleep and nursing in the air making loud sucking noises. Fruit Stripe is next to her and he's putting his paws all over her mouth but she's a really deep sleeper so it's not stopping her. I could help but I won't because it's fucking hilarious.

When they downsized The Practice, was James Spader really cheaper than Dylan McDermott?

I'm stuffing Reese's Pieces in my face like it's my important day job and I'm working mandatory overtime.

Junior only wants to eat from a spoon now. I can't give in to this or I'll have 5 cats eventually demanding spoons. I guess never let your cat lick a spoon.

If I had money I'd probably send flowers to my ex FIL's funeral, but they're so expensive. I don't need to do that, do I? There weren't funerals for my parents but I didn't get a card or anything from that family. I'm trying to adjust myself to only giving what I get from others, you know?

This is unlike me but I need someone to bear witness. Things are blooming here and I sneeze a lot. Each time I do, it feels like my tits are ripping apart. I have shredded, stabby tits.

I'm so stir crazy I'm going to scream.

My ex FIL died today and I found out because I heard my son telling the cats, "I'm down to just the one grandparent now."

I can't wait to see Junior's face in about 3 weeks when I'm medically cleared to lift him again. Right now he's got resting "what are you going to do about it?" face.

My agreement with Junior was that he could sit on the shower chair like a throne. There was no clause stating he could mangle the shower curtain as soon as I left the room. Our contract is void and he has declared it was worth it.

This will sound snarky, which is not my intent, but what do you actually learn as a poli-sci major? As time goes on, does what you learn become less relevant? There are 3 million poli-sci majors here this morning saying "this is bad." Well, yes, I also know this is bad.

I'm just itching to block someone but first I need to decide if it's warranted or if I'm just out of narcotics.

My drain tube hole hurts. It always hurts. When will my drain tube hole stop hurting?

I've been home 17 days and I've watched OG Matlock, a bunch of Midsomer Murders, and The Nanny. I'm at a loss now. I need easily digestible shows with tons of seasons. Thinking is hard.

Ah. 10 pm. The Mormon New Year.

I barely know what's going on today but it occurs to me that my kid's daycares were not locked. (Circa 1993)

I've learned something new about Frances which is that she yearns to slap home health nurses.