I would like to shrink all my bones but keep my meats the same. i need this done before the weekend and I can pay cash.

crooning about kissing my cats noggin

being sick is so embarrassing. I'm embarrassed for my body and my "immune" system. bullshit system if ya ask me

I dont want to shoot the dog in Duck Hunt. I just wish he would stop laughing at my efforts

if he was Un-Reelected that means he lost?

being at the age where everyone you know is having children

back to bed until moral improves

fuuuuuuck

Olympic hockey referees are also in the epstein files

I have the email addresses of the entire US Mens Hockey team. folks, they're all in the epstein files. 😒 go canada

portrait of a cat who just licked my powdered jelly donut

i love cat so much

back to bed until moral improves

Simon of Cyrene offered to help Jesus and the Jesus sais heeey, thats my cross to bear, bub. Then Jesus took out his claws and killed dozens of romans. forget what happened after that.

hoorny for sleep.

im not even scared of spiders. am scare of nuclear war

robot spiders are a joke to me.

me: has anyone seen my DVD of Powder (1995)? grandfather: i seen it. quite a picture. me: not like that gramps! the dvd case is empty! grandfather: this it? [he lifts his non alcoholic beer and throws the Powder DVD he was using as a coaster, as a frisbee] me: hey!! you old shit! (the end)

going down to the courthouse to change my cat's name to Judy

Judy the cat. (sorry reader. i just inceptioned you into thinking of a cat called Judy.)

my cat is purring so hard she's floating above my lap

thinking about posting a picture of my cat and then writing the caption "her actual face" and then the picture is just a picture of her actual face. I think it will do big numbers

I'll grant some small spiders are cute but most spiders should not be shown at me

no one is more immune to propaganda than me and maybe Arlan here

this weekend marks the first weekend in history to have both Olympics and superbowl on the same day in a weekend. sports fans having the life we all want today, super superbowl sunday.

billionaires should not exist and i don't care whether we accomplish this by taking their money or by doing the other thing

I'll marry "Mare" of easttown if she'll make me the happiest man in the world. easy decision. next.

[pointing at a group of parents] They did sex and now we all have to deal with it.

lil puddin

i have the kind of narcolepsy where i pass out the instant I cum. It makes driving impossible.

they made weed that makes you piss the bed everywhere again

busty people are jugular

*!JUMP-SCARE!* (just a photo of graham linehan)

chewbacca has diabetes 😥

damn living in the pedophile epoch kinda sucks huh

simple reason i wont click a link to substack or twitter: those websites pay nazis

hard to believe but it's already March

Jesus fucking christ. I can't believe I'm watching another street execution in America. Be safe everyone. never stop fighting. a just future exists.

*** non-silly post *** to my friends living under fascism: I'm floored by the strength and resilience i've seen. it may get much worse, which is why you must keep fighting. any way you can, give em hell. *** non-silly post ***

porkin' beefs fishy chicken meat shack for gravy boys

Hi, sorry for my late response. Just going through my inbox from December and A CHRIST CHILD WAS BORN IN BETHLEHEM!?! What are out next steps? lets schedule a zoom to talk strategies.

brute-forcing a dartboard puzzle in Blue Prince is a proud and noble tradition

some people are so good at having bad takes that you could invert them all and end up with consistently good takes

I'm learning Japanese so I can respectfully ask if Hideo Kojima would consider using Alt Text

J Edgar Hoover, I have a good plan to kill you and this is your last warning you fed pig fuck. this is not a joke.

MAN MARRIES GUN Concluding the breif ceremony with a kiss on the barrel, a formerly lonely ma... [You have no more free articles this month. Already have an account? Sign in]

saying strange things to your cat is one of the main reasons to

hard to believe it is already February

Watching THE PITT and I like how the show is good.