Moved to a new school when I was 11. At recces a kid said, "You run like an M&M." Along with being hilarious the insult was especially devastating because of it's accuracy. I still run like an M&M. The dude who said it and I remain friends today.

time-lapse a banana for 1000 years

my cat has more individual hair follicles than there are atoms in the universe

I can smell Fresh Hell a mile away. they shouldn't call it fresh either. its stinky. oddly, fresh hell is stinkier than regular hell. make that make sense.

You should be able to text your cats

Has there ever been a baby born with a full bush? There has. Today we call him Jesus Christ. His bush was the first miracle. Merry Christmas

2026. unreal.

wooo!!! getting close now. who's ready to say goodbye to 2025 five minutes left. smoke em if ya got em! #NYE2025

ok, 1 hour to midnight!! hope you've got champagne and someone to smooch. lets send off 2025 in style!! 🤩

a porno name should be "Jake Makecum" because he'll make *you* cum but he also makes cum when he cums. and he's Jake. nothing will stop this information. from getting out.

Every horror movie has a girl-on-the-ceiling scene now. At this point, spooky girl-on-the-floor is much more terrifying because it feels new and fresh. get them all down off of there, hollywood!

Avatar: The Way of Third Movie

look man i am *also* getting whiplash from posting things like "tobey macguire's first arachnid movie was the spider house rules" right alongside the most depraved actions of the US and Israel, but that is just life right now ok

new levels of cute unlocked

when you get a hair transplant, they put each hair in with a very tiny finishing nail. this is how the hellraiser guy became so.

my god

Norman Regis Philbin

Programmable farts with SmartFart Technology™️ "you get the fart, we'll do the rest." Get farted today with the smartfart™️ app

Every night at bedtime Anton Chigurh approaches me says, "will you hold still sir?" and I say something dumb like, "Say, what is that thing?" and POP! I wake up the next morning. Sometimes we flip a coin for "it." People over 40, what are your bedtime routines?

an pizza?

cheque kiting business is taking off

The moral of HEAT is that men will shoot each other for a chance to hold hands.

ok, without looking it up or using spellchecker, try to spell: diohorhea

Dwight D. I Should Shower

Today on ANTICHRIST WATCH – the antichrist did a bunch more bad stuff. Jesus a no-show again.

it was unethical to use a real Gollum in the LOTR films

Guests at the funeral of Rodney Dangerfield were allowed to approach the coffin to pay their last disrespects.

Have you had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinking days? Have you ever asked, "why can't we have some meats?" You may be entitled to just a mouthful.

candy asses these day don't even call people candy asses any more

Maybe this is a sign that I'm not cut out for the job, but if I were Spiderman i'd just straight up murder J. Jonah Jameson.

Listen, fat.

One of my greatest joys in the world is watching people on the sledding hill take each other out like bowling pins

baobab is a good name for that thing

people love that stuff

I invented the backpack

I’m Dual-classing in Wastrel and Layabout

smoke is spewing out of the bad news machine. it makes a loud intermittent knocking sound.

King Parrot in the shrubbery #birds

we could be the planet of the roller coaster but we make the planet of war instead

Gracefully carving through the solar corona, a mini eruption of filament plasma erupted from the Sun earlier today! Beautiful.

Clown Phillips. I am the clown now.

all Black Mirror episodes are: The Bad Guy Gets in Big Big Trouble or The Good Guy Gets in Big Big Big Big Trouble

Richard Starkey no longer likes the name Ringo and prefers to go by his given name. this means the name Ringo Starr is now up for grabs. I'd take it, except i'm balding and no one would respect me if i became new ringo who's bald.

how would you even surf on a web. web is sticky and not made of water. stupid phrases for 800, Alex. Ken Jennings: I am Ken Jennings and you have lost control of the board.

stunningly beautiful

Saturn Devouring His Son

Almost forgot my stupid bit that’s probably already worn out its welcome

if santa was in the epstein logs i would not be surprised, we know nothing about his operation

Judy Beats 🤩

people forget that santa is in the Quran too