Whenever I meet someone who claims to be a cowboy, I ask them “Midnight, Rhinestone, or Drugstore?”

They paved parking lot, put up a paradise

Some tips I’ve learned painting colorful skies …

Honky Tonk Donkey Kong

I FEEL PUNK TODAY SO DO I

Kick out the jams, mothersmuckers!

Told someone earlier that the Eiffel tower is closed on Tuesdays because that’s the day all the French people are allowed to hang their laundry on it

Previously, Iggy Pop did not want to be your dog. What changed?

I think I’m pretty good on social media, but social media disagrees

It’s not quite a home, and it’s not quite a box office, but it is a box in your home office. Or it used to be. Now it’s an app on your phone. Anyway, I gotta go clean up some cat barf.

Please sign up for my new workshop and learn some improv with me!

WhatsApp pussycat, whoa-uh-oh-oh

Does “the average American has less than 3 friends” include ShaneCo, our friend in the diamond business?

I would never join any organization that would have me as its treasurer

Do I like 90s music? Well, Less than Jake, but it’s Better than Ezra

My dad’s favorite ska album was Bruce Springsteen’s Nebraska

My kid asked me about buying a house and I said "We have house at home"

The band Sum 41 got their name because that’s how many times Al Pacino talks about Blink 182 in Scarface

Them wolves ain’t even all that dire. I’ve seen direr.

The point of “Friday I’m in Love” was not just to say that Friday was his favorite day, but to show what assholes all the other days of the week are

I’m still on web 2.3

Hey here’s another lie depression tells you: “When I’m in really rough shape, my friends and loved ones don’t want to hear about it. I’d just be a burden to them.” NOT SO. They do want to hear. They want to help. Even if the help is just hearing about it. CALL THEM. Okay I love you bye.

Trans rights are human rights and so can you

Venom eating an ice cream cone

Today I mixed up the songs Suspect Device and Sonic Reducer

Wheeeee!

<Indiana Jones finds an unwrapped Astronaut Ice Cream on the floor.> “This belongs in a museum… gift shop!”

Should I get more weird or less weird? Please note, this is legally binding

The bear inside the box is Paddington, the bear outside the box is Marginton

I guess some people are just Canadian then

No shirt, no shoes, no gods, no masters

Someone should make a movie about a bear going to Peru

You know me, always remembering stuff from the 90s

I wrote 2 sketches and some jokes in tonight’s performance of This Week This Week. The show is like the news, but funny. Get tickets here 🎟️ https://openfisttheatre.my.salesforce-sites.com/ticket#/events/a0N2I000022tnQ0UAI #LosAngeles #SketchComedy […] [Original post on mastodon.online]

Keep trying

Hot tub

Log Lady

Singing while waiting for doordash: “Here come the potstickers!”

Shave every day and you’ll always look keen

What’s your favorite band whose name is two cities? Mine is Buffalo Springfield

“Don’t blame me, blame Morrissey” - Mojo Nixon

“This is ground control to Frasier’s mom…. “

New episode! creators.spotify.com/pod/show/the...

*Cake voice* “She’s taking the Substance, she’s going for speed…”

*Rupert Holmes voice* “If you like Pablo Neruda…”

Auld lang syne are belong to us!

Yes, they made a movie called the Notebook, but you gotta understand, it was a really nice notebook

The cockney slang of calling people Guv’nah dates to the 1890s, when eighty percent of British men were former NM governor Bill Richardson