I saw this and had to share.

Donald Trump got the idea for the reflecting pool when he was in a pub* and heard a Geordie say, “Fancy a paint lake?” * I know, I know

GUYS - I’ve just realised what Farage is going to do… The thing is he now has NO WAY to proceed which doesn’t humiliate him. If he wins, he is, as Rachel Reeves put it, The Man Who Spent His Summer Arguing With A Bin. If he bails, he’s The Man Who Fled From A Bin. And if he LOSES…

If you’re wondering how hot it must be on Centre Court today, Roger Federer’s had to unbutton his jacket!

My wife has just put this together: watermelon, feta, red onion pickled in lime juice and olive oil, black olives, mint and parsley. It’s the taste of summer.

Today, a man named Buster Morrow hit me. I guess I should have listened to all those people who told me to cheer up.

Andrew Castle at Wimbledon: “Richard Attenborough was here yesterday. SIR Richard, should I say.” This is difficult to type, as my head is still in my hands.

What the hell’s going on with Belgium’s second kit. It’s like the designers ran out of time and said, “Shit, that’s it! We’ve got to hand it in now.”

So, England are playing DR Congo in an enclosed, air conditioned stadium. That’s great - no need for ‘hydration’ breaks, then.

Looking at the royal box at Wimbledon today, I see Masters champion Rory McIlroy decided to go incognito.

I’ve just put myself in the right frame of mind for tonight’s game by listening to the greatest football record of them all: ‘Vindaloo’ by Fat Les.

When someone’s phone rings during a match at Wimbledon, I’d love the umpire to lean into the mic and calmly say, “Turn it. The fuck. Off.”

My wife was watching a rerun of Father Brown today. I had my head stuck in the newspaper and heard Mark Williams tap on an office door and say, “May I come in?” I then heard my wife say, “Fuck off”, at which point I looked up and saw her trying to swat away some flies. Made me laugh.

During the England v Ghana match last night my wife just said, “Anthony Gordon Strachan”. She makes me laugh.

When singing “Good Morning Starshine” to myself this morning, I sang ‘nooby abba nabba’ where I should have sung ‘sabba sibby sabba’. I felt a right Charlie.

Did anybody else just see the on-court interview with French tennis player Corentin Moutet after his victory at Queen’s? Someone in authority should have had a quiet word along the lines of, “Say ‘fuck, fuck, fuck’ in an interview again and I’ll break your fucking arm, you pathetic twat”.

I just got myself a really cushy job as a datum processor.

Open goal for the caption writer there.

Took this pic of a hornbeam a few days ago. Such a lovely shape plus look at that sky!

Think high-tech innovation, think…

Trump needs to be shoehorned into an XXXL straitjacket and thrown into a padded cell.

Right, time to get some shuteye. Please let you-know-who be you-know-what in the morning.

Forsythia (nystersia tersianysus)

Donald Trump is the Donald Trump of real life.

Raymond Burr’s brother Tim was a lumberjack. His other brother Kai was an arse.

“This is not Winston Churchill we’re dealing with”, says a suit full of lard.

Aaaand…

I want a loo seat that doesn’t move about.

The Reverend Spooner’s favourite Evangelical preacher’s name was Byron Frimstone.

On the 55th anniversary of its release, I’ve just listened to this for the umpteenth time. To my 14-year-old ears it sounded as though it came from outer space. Still love it.

One of the recently-released pictures of Jeffrey Epstein shows him sitting at a piano, looking annoyingly similar to Burt Bacharach. Sorry, Burt, but as Roy Walker used to say, “If you see it, say it”.

Superman was weakened by a slow-acting substance called Kryptommorownite.

You know in ‘The Simpsons’ when someone makes what they think is a really funny comment, two people to the side stare blankly at each other? I picture them when I hear the two BBC snowboarding commentators.

Right, who wants to hold the other end?

That’s the next few weeks sorted out, then.

The tallest skyscraper in Bavaria is the Oompah State Building.

This is how I order a bun filled with Dutch fine-cut tobacco: Drum roll, please…

“This final set comes to you ad-free, courtesy of Rolex.”

National anthem is the opposite of national anus.

Nice sky blue pink sky down our way this afternoon.

I’ve started working as a Brian Blessed impersonator. Business is booming.

St Mary & St Michael’s Church, Mistley, a short walk from my house. Nice, innit?

Bert Weedon was once in a trio with Wally Whyton and Barry Withmetic.

I don’t know how long it will take for the Earth to be destroyed by the Sun but it won’t be enough time for Rio Ferdinand to live down yesterday’s World Cup draw.

I dried my hands here It should have taken seconds But it took ages

Scotland v Denmark. As Alex Ferguson once observed, “Football… bloody hell”.

Roy Chubby Brown’s real name is Roy Chusband Brown.

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🎶 Everybody was…

Donald Trump really really doesn’t like this photo, so whatever you do… don’t share it. He would HATE that. 😈