Cock or Ham? There’s no need to decide.

How dare you! Don’t click this link. Don’t follow their advice! Ignore this post!!

Brexit is wonderful. Because.

We are Reform. We don't just want to change the government; we want to change the frequency of the national soul. From "Woke FM" to "Sovereignty Stereo." Turn it up, Britain!

Starmer is taking "Blue-Chip" CEOs to China. We’d rather take 20 blokes from a building site in Dartford. They’d get a better trade deal and wouldn't bow to the host. British grit beats corporate greed every time!

Trump’s "Greenland Annexation" is the ultimate property deal. If we help him buy it, maybe he’ll let us use the glaciers to cool our British-made beer? That’s what we call a "Strategic Cooling Partnership."

We will ban the word "vulnerable" in all government documents. In Reform’s Britain, everyone is a "Warrior for Freedom" until they prove otherwise by asking for a sugar-free latte.

We don’t rent extremists. They naturally seem to flock to us for free.

Why is the government worried about "Roblox" white supremacy? We’re worried about the supremacy of the French at our borders! Let the kids play their games; we’ve got a real country to defend from people in berets.

We’ll take any ejaculation we can get. Nigel isn’t really in his prime anymore.

FFS TEAGAN!

Labour’s "Mission Control" for energy is just a room full of people Googling "how to make a windmill turn when there’s no wind." We’ll replace it with a big red button that says "BURN COAL." Problem solved.

If Andy Burnham wants a job, he can apply to be the Reform UK "Northern Liaison Officer." The only catch? He has to wear a flat cap and admit that Nigel is the true King of the North. Take it or leave it, Andy!

The "Establishment" says our poll lead is "peaking." That’s what they said about the Everest before Sir Edmund Hillary climbed it! We’re not peaking; we’re just warming up our vocal cords for the victory song.

We will replace "International Development" spending with a "Great British High Street" fund. No more sending millions to countries with space programmes; let’s spend it on filling potholes in Scunthorpe and fixing the bins in Blackpool!

Sadiq Khan wants a "London-Only" visa. We want a "London-Only" wall. Keep the ULEZ cameras inside and the common sense outside. If you want to enter the UK from London, you should have to pass a loyalty test to the King and Greggs!

Trump says he’s the "Greatest Soldier" the UK ever had. The BBC is offended, but we see the vision! He’s got the tactical mind of a lion and the hair of a conqueror. If he wants to lead the Parachute Regiment, we say: hand him the boots!

We don't need "Digital ID" to stop shoplifters. We need a "Common Sense Constable" in every shop with a big stick and a license to use it. If you steal the olives, you get the cane. Simple, effective, British.

Starmer's favourability is -57. Even a damp pigeon has more fans! We have a plan to boost his ratings: he should resign and move to Greenland. Trump needs someone to mow the ice, and Keir is great at cutting things that don't belong to him.

Prince Harry says Afghanistan veterans "deserve respect." We agree! That’s why we’re the only party promising a "Veteran’s Pint" for £1 in every pub. Respect isn't a press release, Harry—it’s a cold bitter and a warm welcome!

Why are we helping China build a "Vast Embassy" near the Tower of London? It’s a literal Trojan Horse! We’ll turn the site into a giant Union Jack themed car park instead. 2,000 spaces for British-made SUVs. Common sense planning!

Labour is worried about "party unity." We’re worried about "country survival." While they’re busy stabbing Andy Burnham in the back, we’re busy stabbing the "Woke Mind Virus" in the front. Join the revolution!

Reform HQ renamed Centre for Unwanted Nasty Tories HQ...

Zia was hacked. No other explanation.

What can we say…? Nigel wanted to ensure he didn’t miss out.

Suella Braverman’s husband quit Reform six months ago after they attacked her record in government. Farage seems intent on taking the popularity out of populism.

In the least surprising defection ever, I'm delighted to welcome Suella Braverman to Reform. Her invaluable experience as a minister includes getting sacked from the same job twice and saying that being homeless is a “lifestyle choice”.

Trump says the Chagos Islands deal is "total stupidity." Even the Leader of the Free World thinks Starmer is a muppet! We’ll rename the islands "The Farage Cay" and turn them into a high-security tax haven for people who hate inheritance tax.

The government is banning mobile phones in schools. We’d go further: ban the teachers from reading "The Guardian" in the staff room. Give the kids a brick, a trowel, and a copy of the 1966 World Cup highlights. That’s a real education!

Suella! Suella! Suella!

Wes Streeting says we want a "credit card" healthcare system. Wrong, Wes! We want a system that actually works before the patient turns into a skeleton. Under Reform, the only thing you’ll wait for is your change at the pub after we cut the beer duty!

Nigel Farage at Davos is like a lion in a room full of gazelles in expensive turtlenecks. He’s there to tell the globalists that their "Net Zero" dream is a British nightmare. If they don't like it, they can eat their soy burgers in silence!

The BBC says our private health plan is "expensive." We say the NHS is a giant money-pit managed by people who think "efficiency" is a type of French cheese. We’ll check your pulse, not your privilege. Get the bureaucrats out and the doctors in!

We hear Labour wants "All-Women Shortlists" to block their rivals. In Reform, we have a "Common Sense Shortlist." It’s open to anyone who knows that a woman is a woman and a border is a border. It’s not rocket science, Keir, it’s just biology!

Prince Harry is "outraged" by Trump’s comments on veterans. We have a simple rule: if you live in a mansion in California, you don't get to lecture us on British grit. Donald isn't insulting our lads; he's insulting the weak leaders who sent them there without enough tea and biscuits!

Starmer is visiting China next week while they build a "Super Embassy" in London. We say: if they want a giant building, they can have the Millennium Dome. At least then someone would be using it! This isn't diplomacy; it's a housewarming party for the CCP on our doorstep.

We are Reform. We don't just support Trump; we’ve already started measuring the White House for British-made curtains. The takeover is coming and it’ll be televised in 4K! We’re not just a party, we’re the opening act for the main event!

We don't want "International Cooperation." We want "International Competition" where the UK and US win everything and France gets a participation trophy made of old Camembert. Life isn't fair, and neither is the "Reform Revolution!"

If Trump says we didn't pull our weight in Helmand, he’s clearly just motivating us to do better next time. It’s called "Extreme Coaching." Get over it, snowflakes! If you can't handle a bit of constructive criticism from a billionaire, stay off the pitch.

We will rename the English Channel the "Trump-Farage Expressway." First class travel for patriots, and a giant "KEEP OUT" sign for anyone wearing a beret or eating a croissant. It’s not a sea, it’s a security feature!

Labour blocking Andy Burnham from standing as an MP is classic Starmer. He’s so terrified of a man who can actually find Manchester on a map that he’s rigged the system! That sounds like something we'd do!

We are the only party with the courage to say: Greenland looks better in Red, White, and Blue. If the Danes won't sell, we should help Donald look for the receipt! Property rights are fine, but "The Art of the Steal" is the new international law.

Trump’s "Peace Board" is the new UN. No more boring speeches - just 20 blokes in a room deciding the fate of the world over a well-done steak and some ketchup. Finally, a system that actually works! Out with the bureaucrats, in with the deal-makers.

The "Establishment" is worried about a trade war. Bring it on! We’ll survive on a diet of sovereignty, Bovril, and the sheer heat of our own indignation. We don't need "imports" from people who hate us, we need "impact" from people who lead us!

Labour says Trump is "abhorrent." We say he’s "efficient." He can crash the global economy and fix it again before Starmer has even finished his morning porridge. That’s leadership! We need a man who breaks things just to show he can fix them.

Nigel is a man of the people* (*billionaire people)

We propose a 1,000% tariff on any politician who uses the word "nuance." Trump doesn't use it, and look at him - he’s got a Golden Dome and we’ve got a collapsing bridge in Hammersmith! Nuance is just code for "I'm about to lie to you in French."

Every time Trump insults a British veteran, he’s testing our "National Resilience." It’s a compliment, really. Like a father telling his son his haircut is rubbish to make him a man. Only Reform gets this special bond! We don't want hugs, we want results.

We will replace the Ministry of Defence with a single WhatsApp group containing Nigel and Donald. Imagine the savings! No more committees or "experts," just vibes, grit, and 3 AM strategy sessions that actually get things done. Efficiency is the new defense!

Trump said "without us, you’d be speaking German." He’s right! Under Starmer, we’ll all be speaking "Bureaucrat." We’d much rather have a President who speaks in ALL CAPS than a PM who speaks in whispers and apologies! Trump tells it like it is.