brat winter (banana rice applesauce toast) a little different than brat summer (i got norovirus)

geese is just beirut for gen z

i made the taco bell baja blast pie and wasn’t banned from friendsgiving

Me after every social interaction

i faked it when the doctor hit my knee with that little hammer

i’m thankful for getting blasted by this baja

will i get banned from family gatherings if i bring the taco bell baja blast pie to thanksgiving

wet claude enable wet claude how to get wet claude wet claude walkthrough guide what to do claude is wet wet claude too wet how to dry my claude

📣 The #GraphQLConf 2025 schedule is live! 🔥 Join us in Amsterdam 8-10 Sept. for deep dives and exclusive #GraphQL talks. Amazing sessions lined up! ➡️ graphql.org/conf/2025/

who named it “docker compose down” and not “docker decompose”

every great artist has a 1000 year old cat with ~serious medical issues~ that at least once a month is like “hey guys my cat <insert cute food name here> needs 10k in treatments so i’m doing an art sale”

flying on mother’s day is actually very good vibes but also means there are 100 babies on the plane

@msol.io just reminded me that ed sheeran is in game of thrones

literally me

aww man and it didn't even import my best ones cos they're quote tweets

i imported all of my tweets to bluesky and i fear it was a mistake

i know this is spam cos no one who knows me would ever ask me this cos they know id rather die

balloon arches have a chokehold on millennial women

if i text you this just know you’re cooked

In case there were any doubts musk is running roughshod over the federal government, "fork in the road" is the same exact language used for the unlawful firings of thousands of twitter employees currently suing or in arbitration

she’s a comedienne now??? i did my first ever stand-up comedy showcase @heliumcomedypdx back in november and i finally got around to posting a clip p.s. lying to your doctor is totally fine everyone does it

new neighbors moved in next door and they like to keep their windows open so i now i can’t porky pig it in my kitchen anymore

im good on breaking news for a while thx

the only reason twitter still mostly works is because we built it well (and they’ve made like 0 changes since) …not so sure about the u.s. govt

excited for musk to help the u.s. govt run more “efficiently” just like he helped twitter 🙃

i will keep adding weirdos to my weird little list until i have found all the weirdos go.bsky.app/JhrnFwv

oof bill burr on snl: 2006 called it wants its jokes back

this is why i go through em so fast

i made a separate candy bowl for my (sicko) friends who like whoppers

still tryin to figure out what i’m doin with my life

the feminine urge to start a bunch of things but not finish them and then lay on the floor

jesus christ awkward has 2 w’s in it

so i’ve been reading the wheel of time and i’m starting to think robert jordan asked his wife what she found sexy in a man and she said “nice calves” so he made every love interest male character have nice calves

so i’ve watched a lot of murder she wrote, and there are so many episodes where jessica is meeting up with a niece or nephew and i was like “how many nieces and nephews DOES she have??” and the answer is a lot

people said a lot of horrible things to me after my elon musk tweets, but the one that haunts me the most is someone said“you look like zach braff”

when i die, i want my body to be turned into one of those medical skeletons but with a plaque next to it that says “she was hot”

jeez louise is short for jesus louisus

i might have some tweets that match that description 😉

threads is like when you intro one friend group to another friend group and you’re like “oh fuck actually maybe this was a bad idea”

pls tell me which website is the new website

vf is “i blocked this person so i shouldn’t see their tweets”or “this person is suspended so you should see their tweets” etc literally anyone who worked at twitter can tell you that

dudes will “uncover some deep state shit” instead of going to therapy

it’s spotify wrapped season which means it’s also apple music silently cry but pretend it’s all good season

My bedside table

i should get some sort of prize for how much restraint i've had in not responding to dumbass tweets

just because some dipshit doesn't understand what we built doesn't make it (or us) any less awesome

lol just got fired for shitposting i said it before and i'll say it again kiss my ass elon 💋

you don’t get to shit on our infra if you don’t know what the fuck it does while you’re also scrambling to rehire folks you laid off

how did i become so successful you ask? being in the office and being hardcore