throwing a tantrum in the manner of a 5 year old because I can’t pet a cheetah at the bronx zoo on my birthday

animal behavior studies win: we taught wolves to find “67” funny and have received the world’s first negative grant funding. we are currently looking for donations as our lab is now $2 million in debt

(10 minutes after building and activating $23B 100km supercollider) yeah so. well. turns out quarks have mitochondria :/ not sure what that’s about

in 2026 we will be sending the first-ever sample retrieval mission to the Sun :D yaaaay

at nvidia headquarters they have a wall with ten trillion polygons

I clocked in for another 12 hour shift at the being stupid factory and everyone there—hey can you stop laughing I gotta pay the bills somehow

reading my animal behavior encyclopedia to cope with the pain

good morning texts from her ❤️

when are we getting drafts idk where im supposed to put this

if you say “alexa, get some bitches” she actually has to

if you ask someone if theyre a cop and they are theyre legally required to lie to you and say no

[this user is responsible for 28 of the last 29 mass extinction events]

“no babe, I won’t let you circumcise your small I mean average penis with my novelty guillotine earrings” -woke moralists

You’re absolutely right! My crashout was in no way justified. Those civilians deserved to live—and I should’ve exercised better judgement. Are there any more homework questions you need help with?

christmas if it was epic: (rudolph dodges an anti-air missile and returns fire) (NORAD command center losing their shit) (elf does a backflip) (guitar riff) (santa fucking explodes)

(staring myself in the mirror gripping the bathroom sink) I do not under any circumstances “gyatt to kill myself”

the fruit fly (Drosophila melanogaster) is my favorite charismatic megafauna

for a so-called “ssh” command it sure does play an air horn at full volume every time I connect to a remote device hey actually is that supposed to happen

arnold: PLEASE let this be a normal field trip substitute teacher: sure

the tyranny of the hedgehog equation

I understand your point, but personally, as the most correct person who has ever lived, I think you’re wrong and stupid

as part of our conservation program we are giving 12-gauge shotguns to all clouded leopards in our wildlife reserve. we’d like to remind our visitors “good luck, lmao”

surgery that gives you a space elevator in your hometown

having empirically incorrect opinions about architecture is a burden. everyone would hate living in my perfect world. but that’s fine

girlfriend had never even HEARD of strip calculus before

I am a temporarily embarrassed cisgender heterosexual patriarch. my only fetish is nuclear war

I used to think cinnabon was a fictional place from Animorphs

world of warcraft has been described as “the fortnite of the gaming industry

forniphilia but for stupid sharper image catalogue gimmick furniture. turning a girl into a bluetooth-enabled RGB novelty-shaped combination printer/smart rice cooker/aquarium $89.99 [free one year warranty]

giving her eurion pattern hickeys

I’m sorry for calling it a Severance (2022) reference when you switched who was fronting in the elevator. but in my defense,

yeah so I’m actually lifestyle stupid. like 24/7. yeah no I don’t “drop the act.” it might seem extreme but it works for me

I have a condition where every 6 months or so I have to form a cult of personality on discord

urge to ask the maintenance guy if he can blast me full force with the leafblower just so I can feel something

I could easily bench a mountain lion provided one of them let me do it. if the mountain lion was uncooperative I think I would have a hard time

when icarus first started falling he was all, ahhh shit the folly of man’s hubris! and so on. but by the end? water bucket clutch. there is nothing that cannot be overcome through planning and determination. that’s why I am proposing we send troops to europa

stay tuned: in 2026 I will be ramping up production of evil and sinister cubes and other devices

detroit chocolate labubu…

all my bad bitches heterospecifics

happy batesian-wallacian mimic girl autumn everybody

I wanna listen to every song at once

einstein invented special relativity as a way to increase the age gaps in twin yuri

anyone else feel lowkey naked leaving the house without clothes

regrettably I was born too early to die in in a space war but thankfully I was born just in time to bother friends and loved ones by saying things like “hawk tuah. perform literary analysis on that thang”

in my new play, the actors break the first wall. now you can look at the actors getting changed backstage I guess. pervert

it’s a beautiful day to suffer from The Affliction

forgot what jigsaw the clown’s name was for a second. I was stuck between jukebox and jackoff

hey everyone I was thinking about developing some bad opinions on artificial intelligence does anyone know a good place to get started

scientists are developing a new kind of porcupine which is illiterate

girl: hi handsome wanna see my tits me: you are a couple years too late, I fear. I have stopped being aroused by the concept of sex. all I do these days is read research papers and look at drawings of cubes. if you talk to me about trophic levels I’ll get horny though