Sorry for getting drunk last night & calling your girlfriend a rotten egg x

Running on their wee wheel must be so good for a hamster’s mental health x

'Driving Home For Christmas' by Chris Rea but all the lyrics are 'i'm driving home for christmas'.

3 years ago I got the absolute pleasure of filming the video for Lucifer's Christmas. It was so much fun to get some of my closest pals to fill my 'heaven' @pauldock93.bsky.social made a beautiful wee angel too 👼 youtu.be/UOZ4WjKjfio?...

If you eat all the chocolate in your advent calendar in one go or open presents before Christmas Day then you are a lesser being No restraint or fortitude, zero respect for the festive period Greedy & pathetic x

In the club speaking to the hottest girl in Pingu language x

Old people will ask for help on the computer & it will just be 40 minutes of supervising them as they try to remember their login & password x

Splitting the G(uinness) then shitting my P(ants) x

*the most straight forward explanatory email you could possibly compose* Recipient with expertise in that subject: “Hmm unsure what you are asking” x

Joe-Quinn my penis to Gladiator II until I made a Mess-c-all over the cinema seats x

I’ll tell you what I could never be a celebrity, I would die from the first sauce on Hot Ones x

Wait a minute… the villain in the first gladiator: Joaquin… the villain in the new gladiator Joe Quinn 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 x

Smash the like button if you are a REAL Doakhead x

Auld da’s around the world are eagerly anticipating the Mike Tyson fight tomorrow Seeing themselves as the veteran fighter looking to prove age doesn’t matter & Jake Paul as their daughter’s wee bastard boyfriend They’ll be rolling about in the garden by midnight x

You don’t hear anyone saying scuddies anymore, it’s a vile wee word that flicks off the tongue & I love it, bring back scuddies x