Cats are always trying to plunder me beans

Ah how I hate that old familiar feeling

Trying to give your cat an iv at home is one of the most soul crushing things you can do

Sucked hog fallacy

Pat Roison's Rat Poison: "In The Shitty Cardboard Box©"

Bitches, leave.

Babe whats wrong youve been playing yeehaw ass music all night?

Hey dude I just heard on the radio that king kong lives on the south side of town now,, yeah i know! They said he gives terrible head tho,, what no?! dude they said that on the radio yeah,, real toothy head yeah

Aye master Gollum sir ill grant ye they’re a dirt loving people, but ye cannae be callin em “filthy” no more. Tis the third bloody age mate

🎄Christmas dracula you suck too fast 👊😠👍 Christmas dracula I aint gonna last 👊🥵🤚🎄

This Fitcarraldo dude just chucks a poor baby ocelot :(

Fridays are for smoking that shit that made babu frik

Its Saturday night and you KNOW I be filling myself with concoctions and creations

I have a ska cat and a reggae cat

Spiders From Mars had two dudes named Mick

Reflecting on all the funny things I saw on my phone this year

Have you accepted goku as your lord and savior

Finally paid off my cats medical bills from last year!

Local vegan coffee shop closing because the workers tried to unionize. Tired of being told that supporting local is important when those businesses don’t support us

When I was young, kids ONLY wanted rhinoceroseses! These days they all want hippopotamuseses! This is because of moral decay

I know I gave myself a mental disorder by drinking two sips of a monster in 06 and nothing the doctors tell me will change that

If you are unkind this holiday season you may be visited by the White Grinch

May your dans always be steely

Heat was so good

The year is friday, shopping malls are now battlegrounds where only the strong survive

Struggle with acts of kindness

Happy sunday

Babe just because its rusted and unmovable doesn’t mean my van with a hot tub in the back can’t be a fun sexy time

Security guard stared at me the entire time i was in the grocery store, was yelling at this old lady for stealing cheese blocks when I left. Surely this is the sign of a healthy economy

Baby call me Alf because people do NOT like me

Time immemorial has been updated to include everything before 1979

The thing about nice new boots is that they’re still a pale shadow of vans checkered slip ins, the ultimate shoe

Getting into steely dan and can’t buy a thrill has an insane ratio of bangers

I got this sick hoodie yesterday but i decided to pull a pat and im gonna try and acetone the logo off

Movies hate to see my eyeballs coming

Feeling civic pride about that guy doing a kramer on our city bus

Sometimes you get 75% of the way through a bob dylan song when he brings up that this guy that’s totally not him walks around with a parrot on his shoulder

Did I throw it out by accident or did it fall under something? The small living space saga

Press square to pay tribute

Ever since the goblin queen died these things have been running around like a plague of bloody locusts

He’s been laying like this the entire length of this major motion picture

I was talking to this big pink bag of sour candy as I came in the door, where then upon a fat cat turd did I step

Ive been having no luck getting megas from the new set :(

Before we duel you should know, I have been drinking Picklebrau all day

I got my car professionally detailed today, so now instead of weed it smells like soap AND weed

Having a weird 31

I wrote a poem at work and when I got home I tried to burn it and it didn’t super do good so now I’ve just got this crispy thing

Its so funny that dylan wrote woody a song, did you suck him off too baby girl