Requested a standing desk at work so I can posturemaxx on these hunchlords

Microsoft Outlook makes me want to self immolate every day

Took the meyers-Briggs test

Tinder bio: looking to slap my thing in your mayo cave. Your car only

A little stipulation of dating me, just to be transparent: I will not be available emotionally for you. Nor physically, nor in any other capacity. In fact I am disintegrating as we speak

Had to check…thank god…

Why are the people at the supermarket deli the angriest people alive

Last name: Alot, first name: Getsfuckedintheass

Getting tired of all the normal types of sandwiches…yawn

I’m not ready to get better yet

At least I got this going for me

Someone has to keep these multinational alcoholic beverage corporations with unlimited resources in business during dry January

When she say she don’t squirt but then you bring out this bad boy

Compliment someone’s eyes and they’ll probably like it, but compliment somebody’s eyeballs and they get all weird about it. Make it make sense

There’s a doomsday cult slowly filling the kola superdeep borehole with lube but go off

So sad that Scott Adams died attempting to retrieve his dropped glasses, hunting around on all fours, sweeping the dirty ground with his arms searching for them. When he finally discovered what he believed to be his glasses, he affixed them to his face, only to realize it was an entire beehive.

here's this vintage jeopardy clip with ken jennings

Damn so crazy that I’ve been back at work in the office for only a few hours now, but, wouldn’t you know it, I am yearning for death at an alarming magnitude

Already got the farts before new years. The champagne gonna have me two thousand and twenty tootin’

More info about the trivia fundraiser this Saturday!! twitch.tv/soupisontwitch @deejaysoup.bsky.social

Hey gang, you guys are gonna wanna tune in for a very fun trivia stream this Saturday the 3rd at 3 pm pacific. We’re going to be raising money for our friend who needs an urgent surgery. Check us out at my twitch or at twitch.tv/soupisontwitch ! Very pumped to be a part of this. Love you all.

Dudeee so hype for Poopshitters 4 to come out in 2029 #gameawards

Just finding out about this. Devastated.

roses are red, violets are funky,

Saw a post asking “what’s the hottest thing a woman can do during a blow job” and I was like, that’s it, she’s already doing it

I always put chapstick on just before drinking something like a preposterous dumbass

He’s eating uncrustables with god now buddy

Weed makes me both forget and remember where I am

I watch a lot of jeopardy and follow all their accounts on here and stuff, so when I’m scrolling and I see a blue background on an image I get excited. Now just imagine how dismayed I get when it’s fuckin Karoline Leavitt at the podium in front of the blue curtains 😭 ruins my day

Rich people are so stupid lol “look my car is so expensive it doesn’t even have a roof” bruh that shit sounds cold and loud af

At home visiting my parents for thanksgiving and have been watching a lot of cable TV and it has just been the worst shit I’ve ever seen

The Forum Boy

Check out my letter boxd for correct opinions on film works letterboxd.com/SausageMcBurn/

Olivia Nuzzi reinventing the phenotype of woman who out of nowhere tells the whole town "Yea have I held Congreʃs with his Body, whom the Fearful call 'Accuʃer', and many Times have I felt his huʃbandly Muʃcle move within me as he did whiʃper in mine ear Tales of wretched Medicines moʃt unʃavoury"

Girls who only squirt or only lactate always talk so much shit on us multi-excreters

They bout to turn the culture war up to 1000% before they release the damn Epstein files. They’ll force the Mahomes to get a divorce. They’re gonna start mad drama about Ariana and Cynthia. Every story on your homepage will be about a racist who’s mad about a birthday cake or some shit

Bit my own tongue off bc of cumming

Having a sexual aneurism rn

Damn just got mega depressed bc my Reddit porn account’s cake day is today and it’s 8 years old

Can’t believe dick Cheney died when he was following a long trail of candies that had been placed in a line leading directly into the open mouth of a big shark. Authorities say this man was seen chuckling mischievously behind a nearby lamppost:

with hammers

A handjob with the Joker Gloves would go absolutely diabolical

If you ever get held up at TSA for no reason do this

Trump doesn't want you to share these photos of the East Wing

Rich Guy: Cum sock? I use a cum tuxedo

They have bestown me with a great honour

Ran over some rumble strips on the highway and was going just the right speed for the vibration to hit my prostate’s resonant frequency

Who tf is this guy and why must YouTube show him to me? I hate him

@silvershadow737.bsky.social you know what they say