TWO cats have run away from me when I pspspsed at them!!! I know I’m a bit sweaty but come on

I like how they’ve made her 18 at MOST too 😒 we all know exactly what men are using AI for

A lot of people mistake being neurodivergent for being a superior person

Hate Murphy so bad I’m actually cheering on Selby, what a world this is

Had my whole day planned around a lovely new Cos dress - drooled my coffee down in five minutes after putting it on 😔

“How can you object to ID cards if you accept CCTV and loyalty cards lol” - I don’t like either of those things actually!! How are these people accepted as intellectuals

How I refer to my followers

What’s my motivation to run every day? Genuinely, it took me 20 minutes to get into this fkn sports bra so I’m GOING. Sure men want me, wives fear me, but I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy 😞

Keir Starmer's entire strategy to combat the far-right.

Supposed to be going out later but I’ve been eating green meat again 😣

Andy Burnham’s key to power is getting straight men to acknowledge that he’s fuckable. Unfortunately it’s still Harrison Ford’s turn this decade

Does my stomach hurt because I went for a run on an empty stomach or because (more likely) it’s abs kicking in?

House on the main road with Halloween decorations up already but no flag so I’ll give them a pass this year

Walking out the house and not making eye contact with my car so I don’t have to acknowledge how badly I’ve parked

That’s as much as I’m ever going to say about autism on the “how dare you tell me I’m neurotypical” website

It’s never “autism is caused by old men using their dusty old sperm so we should ban viagra” is it

Men who relate things that happened to their wives, that just happen to connect to today’s top news story: always completely fabricated for clout

Discovered that the 80g jar of cinnamon sugar I bought to make my fancy coffees fancier went out of date in 2023??? I’m worried my lifestyle is too puritanical now

The snooker had a trailer for this itv drama and genuinely, the £3 wig I’m wearing ↖️ looks better

Bought a polyester jumper and honestly I feel terrible about it, pure guilt-stricken

Your 20s on social media are for finding your spouse, your 30s are for getting famous, your 40s are for finding your second spouse, your 50s are for saying who’s died now

I switched the “top 1000 engaging users” list to ‘relative to followers’ and I’m still not on it - time to drop a selfie

Not reading the guardian slow horses review in case they say it was ever good - I watched the first series and it was so dire I lose respect for its fans. John le carré but written by people who say “I can’t adult until I’ve had my coffee!!”

If someone said my bake didn’t pop, I wouldn’t ’introduce the flavours’ I’d just say choke on it then and go back to my stool #gbbo

We had donkey rides at my primary school summer fête, you wouldn’t get that nowadays

I don’t think the educational establishments Tom and Prue attended ever served school cake #gbbo

Tell you who baffles me: people who knew me on twitter, sought me out here and followed me first. But if I reply to them, they just “like” and never answer???

Am I thick or does Search on here not work at all?

As a low-iron lady, my blood donor makeup is about looking Healthy and Normal, and I cannot tell you how nice people are to me when I look like this - my day is just one long carousel of people smiling at me and holding doors

Sometimes I think I should book in for a driving lesson for this specific car? Because I ride this clutch like I do a dick: mercilessly

It’s my 60th blood donation so of course there’s a man here giving his 100th and he gets all the attention

Getting bored of Bluesky happens fast because I had no idea we were having a rapture - I’m still going to give blood though

Off to give blood in a village that makes mine look like downtown Tokyo/1990s Berlin/0 BCE Damascus, choose your own metaphor

If I see someone saying Bluesky is “scolding” and “finger-waggy” I just assume that they regularly post really cruel things that they’ve mistaken for humour

I’m getting to chat with so many men as I run through the streets “your form is good and don’t worry, you’ll get faster 😉”

Every single criticism of BlueSky is valid except somehow the one the pundits stumbled upon, which is roughly equivalent to kicking down the door of a KFC and incredulously asking everyone if they are aware they are eating fried chicken.

Gingerbread oreos: disappointing

If you ain’t scrumping, you chumping #CrimesOfBluesky

Don’t post your children on public accounts??? Will anything on earth stop parents posting their children - who cannot give informed consent - for clout

Genuinely think I look in better shape after going for three runs, I love being delusional

First date idea: we form an intimidating gang but woke and start knocking on doors: “citizen, this flag leads to my concerns you are racist, please exhibit familiarity with a non-Christian religious celebration, please provide proof you have shopped in the world foods aisle in the past week”

What I hear when you ask for reposts

As a social media manager I also beg you to write a physical letter that none of our other customers will see and that we can ‘keep on file’ 🗑️ 😄

Reading an article in the spectator, on the Tates, because you’re a journalist and you’re paid to: ok Reading it for free because you think there might be some likes in it for you: your brain is wholly rotted by online, throw it out

two grown men having a dick measuring contest in the live chat of an illegal soccer stream is actually such a sad sight

I ate some pastrami with a green sheen on it because I don’t like food waste, and I’m sensing some complaints in the tummy region uh oh

Old boy in the village “haven’t seen you run past in years, but I see you’re back at it” Okay, fan club

Goes for one run: “does my ass look fatter? I swear my ass looks fatter”

Calling peoples' employers in a rage because their tributes to Robert Redford weren't horny enough

Lot of people seemingly surprised to learn that we live in a monarchy not a democracy and you can get arrested for doing anything at all to a royal residence they don’t like??