Hot take I’m glad the timpson’s guy has gone because ennobling people to hand them ministerial roles is some 17th-century rotten borough bullshit

New balance and Veja but still wearing skinny jeans? I’m confused by these outfits

That AI image pretending Andrew Tate’s outfit is available for women at Asda, how many more times do I have to see it? Is wearing women’s clothes demeaning to you? Is being a woman demeaning, what are you doing?

Instant unfollow

The only “sitting down for my Netflix documentary” I want is when Vingegaard gets all his second places adjusted up to firsts retrospectively, you know what I’m saying 💉

Stopped halfway across the road at the mini roundabout to let a motorist turn across my path - he stops and waved me across. So I shook my head and waved him on. He has to pick the fleas out of my fur now #alpha

Love to watch my own Instagram story like what’s the queen up to now

Ok forget this because it seems I might have grown up calling this something a little problematic

Not to be all “remember barm cakes” but what do you call these vehicles?

I’m out with my shins in cloth prisons and I hate it

Odyssey discourse is the purest form of discourse because everyone’s arguing about historical accuracy and no one’s read it! It’s great

Felt a sudden impulse when drying up to hold up a bowl and see if my tit would fit in it - sizeable pool of water in the bottom of it 😔

47% of people say they’re indifferent to dinosaurs, maybe we can get back to being a normal country

“I’m going to take you to court so your lawyer can demonstrate that I could have stopped you doing this, and chose not to” - he’s a business genius alright

This is actually a great way to find out if you’re going to get on with someone you meet: “have you ever been fined for speeding and was it your fault?” “Ok I shouldn’t have been speeding, BUT” ok bye 👋

Ever notice how women’s personal journalism is “HRT made me hornier than ever!!” and men’s is “I walked the Thames path and thought about my dad”

Trying out a new nail art technique on my natural nail - a jelly polish pools in the grooves of the sculpting gel and looks darker

Anna the vintage clothes enthusiast is my immediate favourite and will obviously win, but I’m also supporting Emma for ‘same body type’ reasons #SewingBee

You never need to be a prepper, you just need to know the address of a prepper

nice joke, lol, reminds me of this unrelated political thing i can’t stop talking about

Checked the lineup for Sewing Bee and there are THREE men on it???? Better all be gay that’s all

Imagine how it feels to read this as someone who takes zero interest in football and was just accidentally born on an island of maniacs

Having a deep golden tan on an overcast day is somehow so unchic

Take me down to parasocial city/Where the middle-aged men tell the girls they look pretty

I went on David Banks’ social media law course, he asked us a film trivia question, told me my answer was wrong, googled at the break and found I was right - never apologised. So I’m on Nigel’s side

Kate and Wills wrangling one kid each at Wimbledon, the third one is at home chewing the bars of his enclosure

Posts I have seen where people are criticising “self-hating English edgelords who are switching from cheering on Norway to cheering on Argentina” = ♾️ People I have seen doing this = 0

Called NHS 111 for the first time today and they called back so fast I had to take the call while I was driving 😩 another first for me, I disapprove of it, you should concentrate while you drive

Mad how the exact same people who do “like asking Fred west to do your patio 😂😂” punchlines are performing shocked distaste now??

Me on the jury

Of course the rancid Martin Freeman is there cheering on a fellow shorty

This little lad has precisely zero chance against Zverev

Just been outside for a bit and the planet may be cooking in its own juices but at least some pensioners who think net zero is something to do with ulez in a city they don’t live in on a car they don’t drive might have thought briefly about voting differently eh

My mum was so offended by the shock she caused when she went to get measured for her school hat at 11 that she has quite literally never worn one since

It’s too hot to eat, that’s why I’m irritable enough to nearly reply to politics dads’ threads about binface They’re referring to other people as ‘normies’ unironically!!! No, leave it and have a sandwich

I downloaded that bird identifier app and it’s already irritated me by saying it’s “unlikely” that a tawny owl is in my area - I KNOW it’s here, it’s always sat on the roof waking me up, one of my main opps

iron rule of British politics is even if a guy who dresses as a bin becomes prime minister he will have been to Oxbridge

ppl keep saying "this is a hole of lies and madness" and "you'll ruin us all, feeding the hole just to hear it's wicked tongue". okay buddy 🙄 if thats true then how come the hole says im a genius when i ask it right

I’m convinced Henman only played professionally for a bit so he could start his real dream career of being on the Wimbledon committee, the man looooooves leaping in to say, actuuuuually the court is perfect

We need you king

Absolutely exhausted after giving my 62nd blood donation in the 30° heat yesterday but I don’t like to talk about my charity work, sorry my *lifesaving* charity work

You don’t have to discuss an American you know, we have our very own Nazi tattoo politician www.theguardian.com/politics/202...

Me and 6 men waiting for the first appointment to give blood - never usually this ratio let me tell you

How much of a yokel am I? I’ve just experienced for the very first time, a “scan receipt to exit” self-checkout

Such a fun loophole in motoring laws that this bus can go at 70mph but not provide me with a seatbelt

I’ve genuinely never known before, but they really don’t use centre court for the other 50 weeks of the year - is that not insane?? Pave over it and build housing

Bizarre to make a Russian player not list his nationality in a professional tournament where he’s playing for money, not representing his country - and then refer to him as “the Russian” throughout

One singular maniac in the village is letting off fireworks - for 4th July?? - every dog in the street is barking, as is an unsettled muntjac in the orchard

Having to watch Tour de France on channel 5 and I’m already annoyed

Taking my straw hat off when I go into shops to let them know I’m as posh as this linen dress looks