He didn’t want the piss-ta special every night

My litmus test for men is ‘has he ever or would he ever comment “looks cold in there 🤣” on a video of a woman simply existing with a visible nipple outline’

I quite enjoy taking off all my jewellery to go to bed, it’s like a nightly shed

Brand new account? Called Perfect Humor? In *uk* legal advice? You lot would def get scammed by a chatbot

What wigs have we all got on today?

Bought a new wig to cheer myself up but I can’t try it on because I spent absolutely ages straightening my own hair this morning, pyrrhic victory

Starmer keeping on with this strategy of dialling up the racism to court voters who call him “Queer Stalin”?? I feel DESPAIR

24 hours in police custody is reverse copaganda to me because as if I’m intimidated by our top cops being people who say “anythink” and “pleece”

A boyfriend I couldn’t stand and twitter at its peak - they were my best arguing years and I miss them so much

Yes I’m a massive snooker fan but I never watched big break as a child, no Jim Davidson on telly in my house ever, sorry to hear your parents were all a bit racist

On the one hand: no more men in positions of power because they’re all paedophiles. On the other hand: why should women have to do all the work yet again

My genuine advice before you get involved with any man is ask him “is a man who has sex with a 15yo a rapist and a paedophile?” because you will hear some ALARMING “but what if” answers from a lot of them

I always feel bad when I waste food but spilling milk is worst of all because some poor cow had her tit squeezed for that and on a deep spiritual level are we not all sisters under the skin?

My ancient AirPods are lasting no more than 30 minutes on a full charge, this seems like a bad sign 🪦

Starmer appointed Mandelson because it was payment for wrecking Corbyn - I guess if you were gormless enough to fall for “cOrByN iS aN aNtisEmiTe” your self esteem depends on not admitting this obvious truth to yourself now

Not even reading opinions on fashion from anyone who prefaces their remarks with “I’m old, who is she?”

Enforcing toxic masculinity on all genders to ensure I never have to hear or read the phrase “sweet treat” again

I love social media because how else would I find out some people sincerely liked Terry wogan???

Big positive vibes in brum today #inspiration #youcandoit #followyourdreams #kony2012

Actually why am I only posting selfies on insta, you deserve this too

Spent literally 2 minutes renewing my car insurance after having a weird queasy feeling about it for a month and oh my god the relief

I don’t want to see that pic of Andrew’s fat torso over the prone body of a teenage girl thank you. Why do you need visuals. Don’t repost that shit.

Only I am allowed to say this is smaller than mine - closest you’re getting to a handbra anyway

I was really after a pair though

And yet here you are telling a woman you don’t know to “be nice” - bet you’ve never said that to a mannnnn

Maybe I could acclimatise to urban life because the village pub’s potato delivery is a man in an unmarked white van leaving three 20kg sacks on top of their wheelie bins and I did think that was strange

Anyone who’s run a council Facebook page knows that your number one problem, the name you dread to see in the notifications, is always a man in his 60s

I will never buy anything advertised by a footballer - what they haven’t got enough money?

Get an enormous sense of wellbeing whenever I repair something 😍

I would LOVE to see this!!! Gerard and Jason’s halfhearted American accents wear off after the first third, Dracula is effete and intellectual and never lays a tooth on the boys because we know what that’s code for

You’re telling me people drink this for the taste??

I love seeing chill young parents - couple just walked past me in Asda and they have a newish baby in the car seat in the trolley and they’ve given it a paper bag of doughnuts to play with

Got to take a photo before I topcoat it and risk losing all the definition 😔

Searching for five minutes for my sculpting gel - tub is down my top so it stays warm and malleable, and I completely forgot 😩

If the other parties can’t do stuff on “reform will make promises and then eat their words” they have no business in comms

I always assumed the Harry Potter books were so popular because a lot of people are a bit thick

I went to the massive cock subreddit and nobody there knew you

If reform win, Labour will get more right-wing. If Green win, Labour will get more right-wing

Ban meta glasses - easy Use the existing laws we already have to actually punish men for harassing women and make them afraid to do it - too difficult I guess

You would not credit how common a kink this is, you get told about it without even asking

Getty images edging us so bad with this

My GP: you can’t request a repeat prescription any earlier than 3 working days before you’ll run out. Also, you must allow 2 working days before you collect it No idea why everyone is anxious Wes

I have known precisely one man in my entire life who has nicer handwriting than a woman - he was in my film class at university and let me tell you the ladies were mesmerised

Filling in a form that demands capital letters and it’s so difficult to stick to it!! How do men write like this all the time

Feel like he does stuff that signifies his national treasure status, but I’m not aware of anything he’s done to *earn* that status?

When I subtweet someone

Trying to find anything to watch on streaming is like “is the blandly handsome 45yo white man with brown hair, a strong jaw and no discernible personality other than angry outbursts a cop or an architect in this one”

the UK and the US are both shite.

If my newest nail doesn’t pop off on Reddit I’m storming off the entire platform, AGAIN

Do you have one person you can’t stand but your timeline can’t get enough of?? For me it’s this guy who does nothing but “share” other people’s videos with the comments off so no one can embarrass him by assuming it’s his own content and force him to correct them, and incredibly mid dad jokes