Anyone fancy a pair of Schindler's List leggings?

Who the effing hell has a hamster that lives long enough to have a birthday?

Grandad went in for an after eight and had a coronary

Du Vin, du pain, du wheeliebinesque Boursin.

This guy works for NASA

I always sleep better with a stuffed sock on my neck.

Getting pegged

This is why we can’t have nice things

Stickers on holes.

Who the fuck is Georgia and how is he getting away with this?

Swallow the science

Sorry we’re rubbish here, too many accounts to maintain. Find us over on Instagram at the usual handle.

It’s going to be a stressful summer for anyone who’s hidden a body in a reservoir.

Watch the fear grow in the other parents eyes as the sugar takes hold.

Make your dog look like an Eastern European peasant from the 40s.

I clean my carpets with boot cleaner.

Ooohhh me Teflon

Watching on repeat

This guy needs to go down in history.

Ah well, that’s life 🤷🏻‍♀️

No it won’t.

Nail your rubbish to the wall.

Why is your artwork weeping?

I prefer to use one I’ve just used to scout a rusty tray.

Make your knickers smell like your cat’s lavatory.

All the best beauty experts recommend scouring your face.

Small, compact, very unlikely to constantly smash your legs on it. Great idea. Keep your coffee in the cat bed.

This is one of the strangest tips I’ve heard so far. If we don’t reply to you, that’s just because we run this account for the joy of sharing this stuff, and don’t spend hours online chatting to people. Don’t be offended, if you want a chatty account, we’re not the one for you. 😘

What do you get when you fall in love? A guy with a pin to burst your bubble. That's what you get for all your trouble.

Would you like to see my refuse collection?

Do you remember us from the “much bigger account” on Twitter? Please retweet or quote tweet one of our hilarious tweets to your followers and invite them to follow us, and help us find our old audience in this new world!

Does it? Does it though?

Classic shite shoe redesign

You haven’t, you’ve got an upside glass with crap on top.

I want to know who the f@#* is keeping the records on chicken births, marriages and deaths.

Worst Harry Potter sequel ever.

Pearls on rubbish. Raking it in.

What’s a catalogue?

They’ll be lucky if they get a chicken nugget that was punched while being plated up.

I’m gonna look so cool down the casino, like a real pro.

YEAH, LET PARANOIA, CYNICISM AND DISTRUST RULE. Why have a conversation when you can just make a massive paranoid assumption and leave him?

Let him clean his own skid marks.

Passive aggressive discussions with the dead.

The ironic thing about the current momentum behind Botox and filler is the real thing will end up looking like the robot, before the robot starts looking like the real thing.

LOVE IT!

Passive aggressive discussions with the dead.

I love this dude

Well I’m not going to take my neck down to the perfume bottle on my dressing table now, am I, of course I’ll lift it up.