I’m so happy for them

I got up and dressed, but I’ve been attacked and pinned down by a wildcat

More like Ann Wheee-dicombe, amirite?

Ann Widdicombe had a surprisingly large slide into her pool.

Dave has made friends with the robot hoover

Oh no, we’ve just had an “is there a doctor on board” tannoy request on the train 💔

I’m the only person standing. SUCH A REBEL

Does anyone know a millionaire who can buy my house for me? Asking for a friend.

I love living in York. Popping into town to get my steps in and every street I walk down feels like I’ve gone back in time. I LOVE IT.

Anne widdicome has been murdiddlyurderrd is the most Ned Flanders thing I have ever said

It’s going to be too hot 🐎

Clive would be a good name for a cat

Consider naming your robot hoover after a mortal enemy. Then you can tell everyone that they’re in the kitchen sweeping up pissy litter 18 times a day.

I’m being sniffed

Predator

He’s pooped

Little hells Angel

RACING

Best so far

Starmer uses this to style his hair tho

Love my air con unit but also wish it didn’t sound like an aeroplane with full thrust engaged

Has anyone told the South that “the North” is actually more than Manchester, yet?

Turned the TV off to listen to tiny snores

Shout out to the Scots showing the lovely Americans what alcohol, travel insurance, and socialised health care waiting at home can achieve. "Big historical horsecunt was pure beggin' for a conin'", noted one onlooker.

I sometimes wonder if they’re the characters from good omens.

IF YOU ARE FORCING ALL THIS FUCKING FOOTBALL DOWN OUR THROATS, CAN YOU NOT DROP SOME STEAMY FUCKING DRAMA TO WATCH FOR PEOPLE WHO NEVER WANT TO LOOK AT BALLS AGAIN

I went to a meeting so bad today, it made my fanny bleed.

The thing I find fascinating about Boston in the US is the funny vowels, which are like Boston in the uk.

I bloody love David Tennant

Top tip: try not to make others feel small, to make you feel big.

Meet Daisy, my brother’s dog. She does this if you walk within touching distance.

Asked chat GPT to inspire me on what I can do with the patio and it included Dave with a name plate 😂😂. I didn’t mention him, AI is scary.

I had a chat with Chat GPT about my measurements this week because bras are never comfortable. Anyway, turns out I’m a C cup even though they’re aspirins on an ironing board and bras are suddenly comfortable. WHO KNEW BIGGER CUP DIDN’T MEAN MASSIVE TATS

This is how to spend a birthday

I was going to take myself shopping and out for lunch but it’s pissing it down, so I am sitting on my sofa in silence.

Peri menopausal women - are you finding the least sympathetic people about anything you’re going through, seem to be the people who experienced it 10/20 years ago?

Evri “delivered” my parcel at 10pm last night. To a house that wasn’t mine, not my number, not even near my house. They took a photo of it in front of a random house. I woke up at 5.30 and went straight there. No parcel outside and a shocked woman letting a dog out for a wee. That’s just crazy.

I hope Kathy Burke calls me a cunt for my birthday. What more could a girl want.

Rampant birthday biscuit making

Who said I have put the heating on?

It’s not my birthday but it’s nearly my birthday which justifies a Monday night curry in my book.

Chocolate sponge and chocolate custard at primary school was elite.

WOT? #caturday

My beautiful lost boys and their beautiful roses in bloom

It’s so liberating when the lid comes fully off the 7up bottle. I have tasted freedom.

My friend’s daughter is training to be a midwife. She’s always on shift, she’s not paid, and she’ll have to pay to work when she finishes to maintain her registration. Madness. Sign and share!! c.org/szTxt4YhC7

It’s all kicking off

Strange little man

He’d have been at home cruising in a car with the window rolled down.