I just want the person who monitors my work computer to know that I listen to hours of people softly crinkling paper to ambient music because they leafblow the city parking lot behind my apartment four times a day.

Stop having DJs at networking events. I can’t hear what people do for work over “Mambo No. 5,” the actual song blasting at the networking event I left.

I miss Twitter. Every day, I could have numerous conversations with strangers about both important topics and the movie Lifeforce. Here? Idk. Dead. Billionaires ruined talking about Lifeforce… and everything else.

They played Bad Bunny during my barre class tonight and I was like wow, this is so unamerican, why aren’t we wearing jeans in the cold plunge and slamming raw milk in the hot tub, also in jeans?

You might think I pulled my shoulder at the many workout classes or weight lifting sets I did last week, but it was spooning my cat for eight hours the other night.

BREAKING: A federal judge just ordered the release of 5-year-old Liam Conejo Ramos and his father from immigration custody — condemning their removal from Minneapolis as unconstitutional. Judge Fred Biery condemned "the perfidious lust for unbridled power" and "the imposition of cruelty."

I raise you, Bus Bucket.

What America will read this weekend while in line at the grocery checkout: @peoplemag.bsky.social #ICE people.com/ice-detains-...

I need to meet another person who loves SAW VI as much as I do. It’s the perfect movie about America.

Who shall eat the Bus Pie? Who shall learn if the boons are worth the banes?

So did no one read Frankenstein? It feels like no one’s read Frankenstein.

How are they going to make “Monster Mash” a movie? It’s obviously a mystery/thriller about whatever happened to the Transylvania Twist.

Oh, boy. Black Mirror isn’t even fun anymore because we live in Black Mirror.

Someone recently asked me when I got into reading/watching cannibal and vampire stuff and while I'm not entirely sure, I did spend my whole childhood doing a ritual every Sunday where we ate a dude and drank his blood so that was probably it.

I made a Covid/flu vaccine appointment at a CVS inside a Target. Checked the box stating I had an underlying condition. Received vaccine without issue. So if you want one, I guess try that. Oh, and if you’re gonna tell me vaccines are bad, ef off.

enshittification | noun | when a digital platform is made worse for users, in order to increase profits

As someone who bakes, I’m aware that there are usually dowels inside tiered cakes. So like… has anyone gouged their new spouse’s eye out smashing their face in a cake?

Any time I see some thing internet guy going on with glee about replacing human women with sex robots it’s like duh, you’ve been railing against cat ladies for years cuz you can’t even handle an animal that doesn’t do whatever you say. Take your horny Furby and leave!

Options: - Sit at home alone, wait to die. - Spend $40 on a 13-minute Lyft. - Spend 2 hours on public transit, assuming it shows up. - Walk, but know that if it’s dark and anyone murders you, there’ll be 800 Facebook comments about how you shouldn’t have been walking alone without a bazooka.

I think Millennials think they look young because growing up, 30+ adults were depicted as decrepit. We don’t look or feel that way, which is why people who look like a healthy 35 or 40 say they look 28. Also confusing: 27-yos on TV playing high school sophomores.

One of my greatest peeves.

Smart glasses may seem silly but as someone who lost my near vision following surgery, I tried these XReal glasses that plug into a computer and I think they would fix my posture. I am always hunched over just to see the screen clearly.

Me as a child: I wanna live in Star Wars. Me as an adult: Not like this!

At this point, why not take our world’s 4th largest economy and leave? Everything has become so silly.

The Trump administration is preparing to cancel a large swath of federal funding for California, an effort which could begin as soon as Friday, according to multiple sources.

I love when two high agency males go at it, actually.

The chickens. They are roosting.

must be incredibly frustrating and disheartening to have federal funding that was promised to you for important work suddenly and arbitrarily ripped away

I love the Boss, but if a man told me “you ain’t a beauty, but, hey, you’re alright,” I simply would not get in his car.

The look of irritation on my face was so palpable that the bartender asked me if I needed to vent. I do not, but this is what I miss about bartending. No $22 craft cocktails, just pouring a beer or a whiskey and asking someone if they want to complain at me. I hope to bartend as an old lady someday.

I imagine that every morning in the White House begins with a performance of the “Gaston” song from BEAUTY & THE BEAST and no one is allowed to start work until it’s done.

Today I was reminded that I’d rather carry 30 pounds of groceries an extra mile than talk to men at Metro stations.

Recovering from a bisalp on Mother’s Day vibes.

This is so interesting. There was one of these dudes in a restaurant forum I was in cuz I used to do food writing and I found him INSUFFERABLE. Hmmm!

Every day, Meta’s suite of products shows me a series of articles, reels, etc. trashing Sabrina Carpenter. Comments full of people saying she’s not pretty or talented. This started after I watched every Grammy performance, including hers. I like her. I don’t get why this is my algorithm?

How long has someone in a song walked for someone else? The Proclaimers and Vanessa Carlton both walk 1,000 miles, tho the former split it into two legs. But is there a longer walk with a specific number? No, I’m not high.

Men, you do not have to reply to everything. I promise you, it’s not an obligation. When you feel the urge to be that reply guy with something irrelevant to say, go outside, walk around the block, smell flowers, pet puppies, read a book… Lots you could do to fight the urge.

THE END directed by Robert Rodriguez & Greg Nicotero youtu.be/7w7rAEnMXDI

"now son do you know why i pulled you over tonight?" "no officer, what seems to be the trouble?" "well it's just a routine checkpoint son, i'm going to have to ask you a few questions. first off, in herman melville's moby-dick what is the white whale an allegory for?"

The best part of Phantom of the Opera is when they have to walk around with their hands in front of their faces so some incel doesn’t lasso them like a wild pony.

Happy THE FOG day. I made a chocolate cake with cherry compote and a marshmallow frosting, then added blue coloring, four men out for revenge, and Captain Blake because I love a theme.

How it feels doing my taxes today.

I am, at all times, one bad day from being Adult Misty from Yellowjackets.

I lived inside someone else’s lie and would have done so my whole life without 23andMe. It gave many people their biological families AND accurate medical history data. I have zero regrets about spitting in a tube and learning a truth that would have evaded me until I died.

Sometimes PR people would leave the Zoom open after my interviews with their client and I would think it was pretty funny to listen to them discuss my questions, but now… Big Oof.

No one cares more than the boomer writing “who cares” (no punctuation) under entertainment news posts.

At a screening of HOLLAND and it has come to my attention people don’t know it’s a real place: it’s very real, and it’s like Solvang but very Christian and people sell Amway.

I love when Express Scripts, owned by Cigna, asks me if I wanted to be connected to a pharmacist who’ll explain to me what will happen if I stop taking the medication it denied. I know, thanks. It’s awful. You have done this to me multiple times. Like?????

Leonard Cohen’s “Everybody Knows” is just a description of what is happening right now.

“The Giver” is great, and I especially appreciate people confused by the genre as though “Jolene” isn’t a timeless classic of sapphic yearning.