Abe day. I wasn’t able to do all I could because my abs are so weak. Got nauseous midway. But nevertheless, it’s something.

Thankgod workers are sometimes understanding. I always change my order last second whenever I’m anywhere outside. I’d be like “I’d love some avocado toast rn” and then panic inside IMMEDIATELY after telling the cashier. Walk to my table. Walk back. Ask to change. They were understanding

I thought I was getting better. No. No you weren’t. You found replacements for the people you missed and made the same mistakes. You found another way to punish yourself for the memories that keep you awake at night. And your age has new numbers. Yet you haven’t healed yet. How do I heal?

I’m eating more than I should lately but I’m also working out a lot more. It leads to binges quite a lot easier when I restrict AND workout. But my body doesn’t look necessarily bad. tbh I’m losing all sense of how I look like and what I want to be.

Holy shit am I broken. A big part of me is Just a cripplingly anxious kid beyond repair. Broke once and just doesn’t get fixed. another part of me picks him up and lets him tag along, everyday, every waking moment of my life. What else am I supposed to do with him? I can’t just leave him.

With how much cardio I did, around 500-600 kcals shoulda been burnt with the after effects and all. I just hope its enough. My bloat is definitely nearly gone.

mania is going to the gym on a finals night because im so fucking insane about purging those cals I literally couldnt do anything else.

I got so stressed I binged and I binged and I binged and I binged and I want to cry but fucking hell please let this week end so I can stop stress eating please God

Yesterday I had this and it was so delicious

Finals are back and I gained a little… It makes me very upset to not be a person who stops eating when they’re stressed. Anyway. It’s gonna be a “pretend” day. I’m gonna try to pretend I’m one of those people for as long as I can. I already had a good breakfast, so it shouldn’t be hard to hold out

Except I just discovered they’re high in insoluble fiber so… limiting them to max 2 per day and on empty stomach solely.

Boy dinner (its afternoon) First time trying these corn cakes. They’re actually pretty damn good. Last time I tried rice cakes made of oats and brown rice they gave me the worst stomachache of my life. I’m hoping these which are made of 100% corn and gluten free to be better🙏🏼

i feel extremely fuckin sick and i have finals. this always happens

never drink energy drinks without staying hydrated. For the love of god. Why am I only discovering this now at my big ass age

ended up eating the yolk bc so creamy and warm and delish and i feel like im ruining my gut health if i drink a monster on a completely empty stomach haha

with or without yolk ?

Go hungry go hungry go hungry again go hungry go hungry already god fucking dammit

I do so well, something goes out of plan and I binge… I could make it an omad but god… that would be hell to stand through tomorrow. I don’t wanna get into a binge restrict cycle. God no. Sigh. I just fucked up once in a real long while, I’ll make up for it. I will

Daily reminder to not give guys the benefit of the doubt. Just don’t. They will take it personally but then you’ll know it wasn’t a man, it was a boy

Ik these ppl are talking about being high but honestly every time i reach this phase of sleep I always think its probably as close as I’ll get to being high. It feels so comforting and good. I love keeping myself awake until I’m fighting to stay conscious just to feel that in between

I succeeded ^^ Will go to sleep soon, and I would like to thank Monster energy and zero cal sparkling drinks

Hunger is okay; hunger is safe 🙏🙏

Weighed in, Lost weight, had a 800+kcal breakfast… guess it’s an omad type of day

I am the most fruit loving disordered fucker out there

Good morning :>

Lost like one pound and it immediately slimmed down my thighs god is good🧿

Eating clean, feeling good

And then my mom has the guts to say I shouldn’t react like that. It’s been what, 4 years now? Get the fuck used to it. I never lose my shit. I will always do it when It comes to my fucking food. My throat hurts. My head hurts.

I promised myself I wouldn’t take it out on my family. But once again I lashed out because someone had played around with my food scale and I lost my fucking shit. It may have affected the genuine amount of my lunch today

How does he have the interest to just watch me study for hours lmao

Grades high, bmi —getting there

Tuna egg and rice :3 this tastes really good

I’m stuck between having chicken or tuna for dinner … It’s either tuna + boiled egg + rice or Chicken + bell peppers + rice The difference is like, 110kcal. Tuna and egg would be lower cal What are we thinking?

Snack: 150g watermelon, 10g white bread, 2 boiled broad beans, 3 rasins (92kcal) The randomness is funny. Two beans and bite of bread from mom’s lunch, and 3 raisins to down water (I get bored of the taste at some point) Watermelon season is back though, time for lowcal high fiber and hydration <3

breakfast: 1 egg, 3 raisins, and a monster ultra fiesta this can design is so pretty but not the best ultra

Good morning mentally unwell ppl in my phone

sleepy… sleepy sleepy. I love being tired. I want to keep being on the edge of sleep. The twilight zone of consciousness. Comforting. Quiet.

Sucha. weird night. I’m not entirely myself. I hate this disorder. I’m going to be a new age soon. I didn’t think I’d still hate my body after all these years. How long can you live hating your image? How long? Is this not a form of insanity?

I didn’t record cals today, but I’m pretty sure I stayed under 1k intuitively… it’s still extremely anxiety inducing. And because I ate the bigger meal not too long ago, it makes me feel like I didn’t starve enough. Going to bed not feeling hungry scares me.

college student core (my mom paid)

Was chatting with my new friends and they talked about how they had an ed phase back in the day. How it sucks, and they never wanna get back there again.

Buying lowcal/zero cal drinks immediately skyrockets my grocery bill🥲 Why are they so damn expensive

Buying 6 protein bars in advance, should last me 3 weeks (I eat them twice a week) So… I better not fuckin binge on them. They’re my favorite brand. I’m thinking of hiding them somewhere out of sight so I forget about them until next week.

Higher intake prevents binges but maybe I should just get good. Maybe that’s an excuse. Maybe I just don’t want it badly enough. Maybe I don’t want it as badly as I want to breathe. You don’t look like yourself in this body. This is not who you envision when you imagine yourself. How horrifying.

I could try to pur9e but I’ve a suspicion that these food items just… don’t get pur9ed easily. It’s like meat takes a lot to process so you can get it out fast. But carbs are instantly absorbed

Okay I binged. But it was on healthy foods, lowfat cheese, raisins, blueberries, and just a few extra oat cookies. I still probably net around 1.2k . But christ… slightest change in protein intake and I go insane

Discovering that my monster drink is 11kcal for the whole can and not every 100ml

Idk about my weird schedule this week… the positive thing is that I’m staying below 1k within each 24h but I’m not getting 12h+ fasts since my sleep is not consistent (sleeping max 5h at a time) I feel hungry (aka good), but not getting fasts makes me anxious…