This means we're allowed to make this into a jigsaw right?

This is going to save many lives.

Bloody-nosed Beetles

Got banned from the sauna for putting on too many sausages.

WHAT WAS THE MINCE?!!!

Dance Dance Revolution: Antoinette Cosway Edition

The last time I bid an emotional farewell to my breakfast it was because I was extremely hung over.

Soviet era (1970s) domino set in superior indestructible plastic made in USSR.

Who will succeed Igor Tudor? Probably Igor Stuart. or Doubt anyone will be too 'Igor' to manage Spurs at this point haha etc

Once ate half a roast chicken on this spot.

The hygienist said I should floss every day if I want to keep my teeth, I said I didn't appreciate her threatening me like that.

Sorry who?

Wish there was an American president capable of beating Cornpop into a state of respectful submission with a length of bike chain.

Adrian Chiles up to his old tricks...

This is why staying in hotels makes me nervous.

I don't worship the moon, but I do try to act in accordance with its light. As it wanes I will write off my failures and losses as a sacrifice to the new moon, and make plans in anticipation of it waxing to fullness.

Margot Robbie's gin people:

Genius plan to avoid flossing for the rest of my life by removing every other tooth in my skull.

Teabags Hanania is an outlier and should not be counted.

Who called it 'Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny' and not 'One Arm in the Grave'?

Hear me out... £5

Heartening that these emails are still sent even today.

I Want To Fuck A Lighthouse Keeper

All Jedis Are Bastards

Advanced Drinking & Driving, 2nd Edition.

Had a sneezing fit while eating cashew nuts and honestly I'm not sure how to describe what just happened.

In the TV series House, Dr House's chronic leg pain, limp, walking cane and drug addiction are collectively a metaphor for being British.

It's dickheads all the way down.

Another week begins of cooking and laundry for my family, plus being respectful and considerate to others, or as I call it 'Betamaxxing'. I will also be continuing my 50 year struggle with VHS, an inferior format.

Well that's a holiday of a lifetime.

Running a Gong Bath treatment centre whereby you get in a disused oil tank and me and three other guys bash the hell out of it with sledgehammers.

Ranged weapons against the left, mêlée for the right.

Building my 30-year hibernation nest out of bile and torn strips of the Telegraph, but can't get the mix right due to too much bile.

A man with Coprolaliac Tourette’s Syndrome (award-nominated for a film about his disorder) yelling the N-word at Black actors on stage, is an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. A trolley problem for a new era. It’s a Woke 2.0 cosmic test of some kind. Too on the nose to engage with.

When Johann Wolfgang von Kempelen built the Mechanical Turk in 1770 he envisioned that every home in the Habsburg Empire would own one. That dream became a reality, but only for his competitors who made a more advanced version - the Saucy Ottoman - which could also be used for sexual gratification.

Linda yaccarino told me the tweet I did that made Elon musk buy twitter was something like “went to movie w my neighbor Karen & when I got to bottom of popcorn bucket I felt warm brisket & she grunted”. I am very sorry

When Johann Wolfgang von Kempelen built the Mechanical Turk in 1770 he envisioned that every home in the Habsburg Empire would own one. That dream became a reality, but only for his competitors who made a more advanced version - the Saucy Ottoman - which could also be used for sexual gratification.

Damn, should never have booked my holiday for Sarah Ferguson's 50th birthday party. Sick of Thomas Cook and their empty promises.

FORMER PRINCE ANDREW CHARGED WITH BEING 'TOO HONOURABLE'

Bluesky today: "Now is the Winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York..."

2026 Meeting of the Courts of Rex and Comus Judging from the event in general I think the people are wearing masks because they aren't White enough.

For Nilfgaard!

My age verification is that I was on first name terms with the Speaking Clock.

What idiot called it Trooper and not Bring Your Daughter to the Porter?

Half the people I know want me to apologise for something I've done, the other half want me to apologise for something I haven't done. C'mon assholes, make up your minds!

Authoritarians believe that Justice is something which is done 'to' people rather than 'for' people.

Police search Mandelson dungeon etc etc

The newspaper doesn't need to hire reporters any more...

While the world's plutocrats are working to eliminate half the world's population, they'll also be safeguarding their monopoly by eliminating half of the housing stock as well. Entire cities will be bulldozed. Some would say this is already happening. Expect to see more of it.

That time I recreated the X-Men intro using only stock footage.