i don’t care how staged this video is, it counts as another pats championship.

sending up the @murderxbryan.bsky.social signal…

still the greatest song ever written. ( #duan)

imagine how much of a fucking dork you’d have to be to be elon musk after this.

they should give out an oscar for “best kid performance”.

go woke opening weekend box office records, go broke opening weekend box office records.

mr. president, please leave us alone. please stop talking to us, sir.

now to take a big sip of water & pointedly *not* look into whether pete hegseth just so happens to have any type of recently established financial ties to some fly-by-night testosterone supplement company… ahh, now that is some refreshing water. such a tasty treat for the blissfully incurious mind!

go to your room, wordle. you are grounded for the rest of the day.

nothing challenges the complexity of your own identity as a so-called “modern” or “progressive” man like watching your son violently blow chunks in his first tackle football practice & (after a short rest) get back in there. like feeling a type of pride you’re not proud of feeling but there you are.

thanks to this swift & decisive bipartisan action taken by the house today, we are one step closer to fully eliminating the potential national risk of (checks notes) “anyone anywhere in America still possibly having even one little thing to look forward to”. 🇺🇸🫡

*as obnoxiously as possible to phillies nation after the first round*

*riding through town like paul revere, ringing the bell & shouting*: “geico brought their iconic big blue gloves back this year! geico brought their iconic big blue gloves back this year!!!” *everyone keeps pelting me with rocks*

heeeeeeey mr. willson… 😳😳😳

Perhaps, but you’re overlooking the new & improved defensive countermeasures of “why would any foreign enemies ever want to kill this fucking dipshit president who’s already doing everything they want to America for them?”.

call me tia maria villasojos cus i’m on my “pit bulls & pre-rollies” shit tonite

trump guessed everyone’s hand size & bought new hands for them and now they all feel like they have to wear them.

i’m sure everyone in both cities will be happy to hear that.

i know this is extremely dangerous, but also: lol

thanks i hate it.

they could get a packed out crowd there by tomorrow by just making mitch mcconnell stand outside in the heat on stage all day & let people come to watch what happens.

If I’m the Washington Generals, I’m throwing everything I got at LeBron right now.

remember when this hokey shitshow was also supposed to feature some kinda ridiculous gladiator tournament or whatever featuring the top two (“biologically-born”, of course) male & female HS athletes from every state (except maybe blue ones? - unclear)? lmao, these dumb fucks can’t deliver on shit.

“…straight gangsta mack, but sometimes i get ridiculous, i’ll eat up all ya crackers & ya licorice, hey yo fat girl, come here, are ya ticklish? ya, I called ya fat, look at me, i’m skinny - it never stopped me from gettin' busy, i’m a freak, I like the girls with the boom (at eleven?)…”

imagine what an inconceivably incompetent dumb fuck you’d have to be to wield the full wealth & power of the united states government and still not be able to get a pool cleaned.

love to be a couple friday night frosty boys in already when i find out my kid’s team that i coach has a last minute rescheduled game first thing tomorrow morning.

seems like he should’ve had an easier way to do that.

that’s right.

analysts are already calling it the “worst selling jersey in nba store dot com history”.

@treblaw.bsky.social we got a live one here… (two different emails *so far this morning* from the same person with two different sign-offs that I had to google!!)

jaylen brown pulling up to the celtics facility this morning.

tfw both a new @blankcheck.bsky.social main feed AND special features episode drop together on the same night.

tough day to be an outback steakhouse.

this is #quality #hardcore #duan.

congratulations to the next guy who gets a medal of honor on winning the first ever velcro-strap medal of honor.

*walking into harlem with a “yankees suck!” sign board on like bruce willis in die hard 3*

poo dork shitty dicks

🤩🤩😮‍💨

anyway, fuck the knicks.

Mamdani York Knicks idk is that something

nork yick knews.

gah! - my vanities!!

“nitro circus” is actually a pretty good summative shorthand for this whole era of history, tbh.

embarrassed to announce that i have become the world’s first quadrillionaire.

*standing outside the kennedy center yelling “METAPHOR!!”* (crowd lifts me up, carries me around the capitol like rudy)

just move the “F” & call it “The Donald J. Trump and John Kennedy Center for Performing Farts”.

*cracking a third pounder with the neighborhood dads while the kids go buckwild in the pool*