Abbott Elementary is back, thank god

thank you to the spammers, I needed this 🥹

the voices in my head:

he brought all the generals and admirals from around the world to one room so he could call them fat to their faces

Siri is hallucinating flights I’m not on and adding them to my calendar so everything is going great over here

a guy on Grindr described himself as “self-partnered” and I—

teapots! t e a p o t s ! TEAPOTS! TEAPOTS!!!!!!!

I rode in a driverless Waymo today and while the silence was glorious it took me on an insane route and dropped me off on the wrong block so 🤷‍♂️

no I have never felt as if my margarita is missing something

By the way, if you ever have the opportunity to play Mystery Mansion you should do it, it fucking slaps

“battle”

i’m a slutty little waste

woke up thinking it was Friday so I might as well share some early fcf pics 🤷‍♂️

me when someone asks my favorite type of ranch:

I woke up thinking it was Thursday and it’s not

Coconut in candy bars is extremely good, actually

this is the level of directness and clarity my little acetaminophen-addled brain craves

Please, the autism problem is my father, currently in the other room reading a coffee table book about the California Gold Rush. You can call me Doug.

Me, pretending I’ve ever seen the Simpsons: “Ah yes, bear patrol explains everything about American society”

what are those things called btw?? tiny cock rings? Head rings? What do I need to google to get one for gods sake

AND ALSO AUTISM ISN’T “BAD”

One time years ago on twitter I quoted this movie and tagged Nia Vardalos and she had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. But the move is eminently quotable!

EVERYTHING we know about Stonehenge?? So it’s not actually in England? It isn’t made of stone?

gurl I don’t even think this country is my friend

god I see what you have done for others 🙏

y’all got delivery droids in your city yet or nah

My favorite style of fast casual restaurant is Slop In a Bowl

Jadzia to Worf on their wedding night:

ok it’s Friday now 😁

For those of you who always leave your phones on silent, it is important that you know that Grindr is doing some kind of promotion with Christina Aguilera(?) and when someone sends you a message instead of the normal Grindr chirp, you hear Christina Aguilera sing the words “come on over”

I stared at this picture for a full minute before spotting Melania giving Babadook in the corner

recieve or receive whichever is the right one

If they don’t bring Julia Roberts back for an Eat, Pray, Love sequel where she gets her girlfriend addicted to heroin and then tries to kill her, they are simply leaving money on the table. And in case you thought I made that up, the Eat, Pray, Love author did write a sequel where that happened 😳

got about halfway through this post before I realized it wasn’t about Amok Time Day

I just found out severance and succession are two different shows 🥴

people post stuff like this instead of simply coming over to my apartment

maybe should save this for Friday but on the other hand I need the dopamine today

a hot muscly guy let me play with his tits at the bar yesterday, I’ve been riding that high for almost a day now

I would make cool ranch

should I ask my Lyft driver for a donut when he finally gets here

but the midwest already exists

January 6, 2021 was the moment that tipped us into violence. We’ve been “in violence” for almost 5 years

I had a busy week so I haven’t been ****** or ****** since last Monday and I am 😵‍💫

sunday precumday

going insane remembering that one of Maria Von Trapp’s favorite things is “doorbells”

so I’m pretty sure “ahhhh” is a sigh and “aaaah” is a scream “AAAAH! So tasty!”

My Lyft driver is wearing a Nasty Pig hat, do I make a move

I am always saying this