The Lyft I scheduled for this morning is a cybertruck, do I cancel y/n

I’m anti-car! 🙋‍♂️ Toss ‘em all in the crusher

happy hump day

why are we all wearing clothes

i’m just a woke hole, sir

I think the funniest part of the nudity warnings currently not working is the dozens of posts in my feed from people not realizing the nudity warnings aren’t working right now chastising everyone for not labeling their nudes, which they probably did actually do

Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person 🤗

the guy on 9/11 who had to go into that elementary school classroom and inform the president a plane hit the second tower:

The party of personal responsibility who says the government can’t make you wear a mask during a pandemic wants to tell you what you can and can’t drink in the morning

I am exactly a Star Trek pervert, where can I get a faux-scottish space ghost sex candle

Announce that you are going full woke in direct opposition to the current administration and I’ll consider it. Otherwise I’m fine if they all burn down 🤷‍♂️

If anyone had suggested to me as an effeminate gay boy that I might really be a girl, I would have simply said “no, I’m a boy” just like I did every time someone mistook me for a girl, which happened a lot.

DJ Kanif the Jhatmaster potentially being the most senior heir to Charlemagne is sending me

Lost Era political/spy drama starring young Lwaxana Troi

Fisting bottoms discreetly hinting at what they’re into:

but, but…he got the fifa peace prize

1100100bitches

Fun fact: the English word “cup” and the German word “Kopf” (“head”) are related, and there is a theory that this was influenced by the fact that Germans often have a flat spot on the back of their heads making their skulls ideal for drinking vessels because they sit flat on the table

gays in the ‘70s:

It’s MARY had a little lamb, not LARRY had a little lamb

The names of these curling teams are giving bar trivia in the best way

I love the Onion but that is a donkey, not a mule 😭

How do we get the Heated Rivalry straight women fan base into a show about sloppy gay bears

I’m going to kms

this week I splurged and bought reese’s puffs, how may bowls of cereal a day is a concerning amount 😬

the sarcastic one, the crotchety one, the stupid one, and the slut

also: he has already said that this speech is going to be very long, so don’t punish yourself

hooked up with a guy 10 inches taller than me last night and I just don’t know how straight women do it. All the neck craning! Get down here!

anyone else wet from this

Kid Rock will light a separate, smaller cauldron on YouTube to dozens of views

Gays are stackable 🤷‍♂️

Joseph Smith (1830):

One time I was going to ask out a guy and then he told me his favorite movie was The English Patient

Brokeback Mountain (2006):

it sure does 👊🥵

lollllllll

There is precedent for this! Plus they tied him to weights and threw him in the river

I was afraid we’d never see a democrat campaign like this 🥲

Virgil writing Book 6 of the Aeneid:

It will not work, and is wrong in principle.

one year anniversary of the death of this legend:

this was my heated rivalry

Ferdinand and Isabella at the end of the Reconquista:

Everything is ok when you’re uncut, no I will not be taking questions at this time

everyone who has ever met me:

Also we’ve known this for decades 🤗

it keeps me grounded