jeff bezos eats food that has been on the floor for an hour

The Romans considered sucking dick and getting facefucked as two distinct and different sex acts, so I personally would consider this a mistranslation. In my opinion “you can blow me” is a very different sentiment than “I will fuck your mouth.”

people always thinking about me 💁‍♀️

I would never spell “receive” correctly if it weren’t for spell check

Enthusiastically!

Seeing my boyfriend tonight for the first time in 6 weeks, don’t wait up

Lot of posts from people I don’t follow in the “following” feed today

Sarah Ferguson, the former Duchess of York:

Freud:

The cum trees don’t smell like anything to meeeeeeeee

Ohhhh I am so stealing this

I’m posting bush today 🤷‍♂️

I just really need to know if the guys from jet lag have explored each others bodies

my therapist:

If you think something about my body is gross that is none of my business and you can keep it to yourself, thanks

Just misheard “real-time travel updates” as “real time travel updates”

is this a real article or am I having a series of mini strokes

yes and I won’t shut up about them

The Godfather

I saw cuatro leches cake at the grocery store and I need to know what the secret fourth milk is

I knew this intellectually from looking at the recipe but now that I see it 2 1/2 cups is a LOT of honey 🍯

yes sometimes I bring my iPad into the bathroom so I can watch tv while I d**che

world’s largest what now?👂

wow what a great suggestion I never thought of that why not just move to another country it would be so cheap and easy and possible for me to do that wowowowow

with as many parts of my body as possible, yes

Gavin Newsom is a real piece of shit huh

“How do you get to Carnegie Hill?” “Prictice, prictice, prictice.”

Travel makes me feral and I am crossfaded on this flight hoping I can cruise someone in the skylounge on my layover

“The same ole Rahm Emanuel”

“potential 2028 Democratic presidential candidate” well someone has to drop out first I guess

Just found out that dear friends of mine know one of my favorite YouTubers, so I’m just reiterating that if you are friends with someone I am parasocially in love with, you are required to tell me!! 😩

About to embark on a 12+ hour journey to try to make it to NYC by tomorrow morning, send tots and pears 🙏

Cameron Diaz:

do you suppose he realizes he just wrote a billion people’s posts for when the day comes

I read 1984 in 5th grade and interpreted it as straightforward speculative fiction of if Germany had won World War II

wow I didn’t know tops knew any 4 syllable words

The State of the Union address if the president were a Bactrian camel:

i searched “magic” in my photos and this is what it came up with, so

not this being fully true

You know what they say, “jack off all trade, masturbate some” or something

Zeus whenever he got horny:

anyone else intentionally wear all black today just so people will pinch you and you can feel something

this is how I found out there was going to be another dune movie

My flight was delayed 4.5 hours and now that we’ve landed the jet bridge isn’t working so we have to sit on the plane for another 20-30 minutes and everyone is losing their minds lol

The Lyft I scheduled for this morning is a cybertruck, do I cancel y/n

I’m anti-car! 🙋‍♂️ Toss ‘em all in the crusher

happy hump day

why are we all wearing clothes