All my life I have been trying to improve my German. At last my German is better —but now I am old and ill and don’t have long to live. Soon I will be dead, with better German. – Lydia Davis

21st century media interview ritual. "Welcome to the programme." "Thank you for having me." "Thank you for coming." "It's a pleasure." "The pleasure is all mine." "You're very kind." "Not at all." "Thank you again." "Well, that's all we have time for."

A dim electrician from Staines Was known to be lacking in brains His untimely demise Was to no one’s surprise When he plugged himself into the mains

migrate, n. Fireplace owned by me.

cribbage, n. Period when a human is very young.

There was a young fellow from Pinner Whose voice just got thinner and thinner Until one sad day It faded aw

I once had a girlfriend named Joyce Who was known for the pitch of her voice And so loud was the sound That the glass all around Broke and that you’ll agree was not noice

Bram Stoker Didn't write East Coker Nor did Robert Burns It was Eliot, Thomas Stearns

Ozymandias is my name look on my works I'm a broken man

Herodotus wrote lots of stuff about the past much of it untrue

"Never trust quotations found on social media." – Isaac Newton

The chairman of my local Malaprop Linguistics Group was absent from the last meeting, having caught an inflection.

Just back from a meeting of the local Grammarians' Society, where a young lady prepositioned me.

Just about to dive into @chrisgrey.bsky.social's latest blog post, which helpfully comes with a trigger warning. 😱

The War of the Worlds – abridged version aliens invade unaware of pathogens so they meet their end

dawn walk on the bridge spy a figure underneath just an early troll With apologies to @imcmillan.bsky.social.

manifold, n. Origami depiction of an adult male.

I'm old enough to remember when the hottest day in London was determined by the temperature on the Air Ministry roof.

This is good, because my old denim used to leave me and run off down the road.

Description of Walt Whitman by R M Bucke, quoted by William James in The Varieties of Religious Experience.

baptist, n. Maker of spongy bread rolls

a con man sold me a wire-less wireless it was a wind-up

diacritic, n. Very bad reviewer.

The Odyssey – abridged version wise Odysseus has adventures travelling then he comes back home

Yes! Inspiration to all of us oldies.

combination, n. A country of boilers.

carrot, n. Severe rust on an automobile.

Today I will celebrate tea During all of the time I have free I intend to be hearty With a very small party Made up of just Lisa and me @lisatea.bsky.social

Károly Ferenczy (Hungarian, 1862–1917) The Red Wall, 1910 Oil on canvas 91 x 91 cm (35.8 x 35.8 in) Private collection #art #painting #artist #BlueSkyArt

I wanted a garden and home In the beautiful city of Rome I knew though that Brexit Was quite sure to hex it With a visa denied to my gnome

On this world bee day I'd go out and celebrate But I'm too busy

At last night's meeting of the Malaprop Classics Club we learnt about how syphilis kept rolling a boulder up a hill.

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper." – Quentin Crisp

Politicians increasingly sound like they're at a midwives' conference: Delivering for the British People.

This is how I remember the Eurovision Song Contest.

My friend regrets engaging Malaprop and Partners to draw up her divorce agreement when each month she receives acrimony from her ex-husband.

My chemist friend uses streptotraps to catch streptomycin.

Freud's office had several doors And his patients would turn up in fours Being new to Vienna They'd hand him a tenner And offer to take off their drawers

Chris has probably been up all night writing his blog, so the least you can do is read it.

Time one again to take Mr Beebe's advice. "Then she lay on her back and gazed at the cloudless sky. Mr Beebe, whose opinion of her rose daily, whispered to his niece that that was the proper way to behave if any little thing went wrong." – E M Forster, A Room with a View

If ever there was a case for an emergency emergency podcast.. @alastaircampbell2.bsky.social @rory-stewart.bsky.social

BBC’s Tom Edwards: ‘BREAKING: Reform UK has LOST minority control of Worcestershire County Council - after being overthrown by a shock rainbow coalition. The Conservatives have teamed up with the Greens, Lib Dems and independents to form a power-sharing alliance in the last few minutes’

Starmer in trouble Replies when asked to comment Stuff this for a lark

Arriving recently at St Pancras, I noticed a train guard on the roof reading Hegel. He was later fired for having Ideas above his station.

Richard Bergh (Swedish painter) 1858 - 1919 Nordisk Sommarkväll (Nordic Summer's Evening), 1899-1900 oil on canvas, 170 x 223.5 cm. Göteborgs Konstmuseum, Sweden #art #painting #artist #BlueSkyArt

I can't say I had a friendless childhood. I had an imaginary friend. But he didn't like me.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. So when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Just back from the Malaprop School of Cookery where I learned to make pizza with cannibalised onion.

A nice Italian lunch with fellow members of the Malaprop Dining Club. Delicious vanilla terracotta for dessert.

@annajerzewska.bsky.social 🤔