i made plans for next month without realizing that the event STARTS at 10:30 PM *AT NIGHT* and i'm trying to be so brave right now but also i'm so scared

Ok my IT dept's message about the outage is fantastic. "Why: The cause of the outage is unknown. The world is an imperfect place, and these things happen from time to time."

oh sure but when I suggest going to see the tarantula migration at Mt Diablo I'm "being weird" and "nobody wants that"

the child has stolen my precious rhino teapot and a fancy teacup for his drinking water

a blessing for all parents and future parents: may your child never become obsessed with a 34 second long Jack Black song that they insist on listening to on repeat

今生做头好猪，来世做个好人

i forgot to tell you all that i played Simon Says with kindergartners using "Sam Says" style rules and it absolutely killed

*sound of a torrent of water being spilled on the floor* a tiny voice whispers "whoops"

oh?

what is it about me that gets me these kinds of unsolicited offers?

the dividing line between "my life is spinning out of control and i'm impossibly behind on household infrastructure" and "this is all manageable" is apparently a full drawer of kitchen towels and an empty sink you can leave the restaurant kitchen but it never leaves you

the proliferation of AI usage has helped relieve some of the anxiety of creating something good or meaningful. just took a few minutes to generate some artisanal, hand-crafted slop for an internal doc and it was just as trite and prosaic as an LLM would write. perfectly adequate and nothing more.

Kids love to tell you they're bleeding and show you the smallest injury a human being has ever endured. A single skin cell taking a break from the party. Checking its phone in the bathroom

i don't want to drive, and i hate looking for parking, but i do love a perfect parallel parking job

i knew it

can we all agree that the awesomeness of the mimic chest goes up with size pretty much forever and therefore looking at the size is a nonsensical step

the gasp I just let out

forgot to tell the chat that yesterday I met the person working on the elevator and he told me that the elevator hasn't been dropping you on the wrong floor lately because one of the elevators is out and they get confused when they're both running. quantum entanglement but with elevators!

the assholes* who work out at my gym** never re-rack their weights and it's so goddamn annoying * me ** my squat cage, at my house

The Pitt: Season 3 Dr Whitaker: patient has a partial amputation. we've stopped the stuffing loss with firm pressure from some painters tape but it won't hold for long Cutie Froggie: doctor, am I going to lose my arm? Dr Robby: not if I can help it. we're going to take good care of you.

got so cold in SF that we had to bake cookies

*chaperoning four kindergartners on a school field trip* all my years of management experience has been building to this moment

the most annoying but, unfortunately, most consistently valuable contribution i bring to the meeting is asking "what's the goal we're trying to achieve with this project?" and sitting back to watch the chaos

sorry i was late to our meeting, someone in slack activated one of my special interests and i had to write an essay

my new health tracker has steadily dropped expectations for how much sleep it's asking me to get started out at 9 hours and now it's like "okay well 6 hours is better than the night before so let's see if we can get that consistently"

the photographer for this round little rhinoceros teapot has perfectly understood the assignment 100/10 no notes

the photographer for this round little rhinoceros teapot has perfectly understood the assignment 100/10 no notes

isn't it interesting how kids will pick a random thing to melt down over when they're overtired or emotionally drained? this morning's was about putting on socks too early – they needed to be removed and put back on again good thing that kind of projection has never happened to me, a grown adult

have you considered: giant bun?

anytime anyone talks about the West, i assume you're talking about Monkey King

this is going to live rent free in my head for a long time

if you are a fully grown adult who is trailing kindergartners to snipe them8 the back in lazer tag, I hate you

establishing dominance among the camping dads by being the one with the blowtorch

I am paying Twilio a monthly fee so that my child can call me claiming to be Fartman (or one of his 2999 brothers) and make fart noises into the phone

i have lived long enough to become the villain in my son's journey as a reader no you cannot skip school to read all of your library books even though the idea rules and i would love to join you you're just going to have to learn to read the book during class under your desk like i did

This graph is of course ageless

kosmoceratops

baby's first library card getting put to good use he picked the star fleet academy library card of his own volition and I could not be more proud

They sell ANDOR action figures, of course, and of course the audience is 35-50-year-olds, but it's deeply funny to imagine children playing with little Luthen Rael and Saw Gerrera dolls. CHILD 1: I think violence is not only justified, but demanded CHILD 2: I agree, but haste could be our undoing

if you are wfh and need to grab something for a quick snack between meetings, maybe avoid the Marvel Special edition Dr Doom themed oreos that change your tongue blackish green

the Star Wars Sleep Soundtrack is pretty good on the whole until you hit the bedtime cover of the Cantina band

never pass up some quality smilodon time

🗣️ IN THIS HOUSE WE BELIEVE big numbers are real numbers ♾️ is ♾️ no א‎s are illegal

explained the Hilbert Grand Hotel problem while in the hotel pool and really wrinkled that little brain

please gaze on the incredibleness that is churro french toast

do you think a depressed person could make THIS???

it is 50° and overcast, and the kid is dragging me to the hotel pool that is NOT heated enough please send thoughts and prayers

huge score from the sale racks— got everything for a kick-ass evening

my day started with the kid crying about me having to go to work and offering up his birthday money to pay for things so I could stay home with him I'm in back to back meetings all day and I just need every person I'm talking to to know this very important fact before I lose my shit

sending a dispute to my insurance company to explain to them that my (non-injury) reproductive health claim, which is clearly itemized with a CPT code, was not the result of an automobile accident, nor did it happen at work (previously attested to, but apparently needs to be said again!)