men these days need to spend less time painting their nails and more time harassing women online

American Nice-er 🙂

what’s going on with my “balls” and, in some cases, my “penis”

if i were an egg man, the last thing i would wanna do is sit on a wall

this is who shows up if you post something satirical on bluesky

the guy who works at at 7/11 said to me “i love quagmire’s house. i like the way he arranged things. that guy is such a pimp”

got drunk one night and ordered these card sleeves. i liked them because they confused me. is the turtle “daring to dream big” because it’s eating a taco? idk. i don’t get it. i don’t like them now that i’m not drunk

a nerd exploded

insurance guy blocked my number because i told him he follows a shameful path, one which wounds humanity and should he not atone for his actions he will eventually find himself tormented by the realization that his character is laden with dishonor

jordan says i’m allowed to break up with him and date the person who does the thing we all want someone to do

i tried to show jordan a gymnastics move that i hadn’t done in 6 years and i slammed my face into the ground

apparently i am “a danger to myself or others” because i said i want to kill myself and also other people

a wise man once said to me, “you have great promise, but you lack discipline. a fight without purpose can never lead to victory” so i punched him for no reason and guess what i fucking won

“i am become meme” ok… he’s officially a freaking genius. i don’t expect many people will get that joke. it’s a reference to a scientist named Openhimer

no milf in my area should ever have to feel lonely

every year i stop 5 potential mass shootings from happening by having sex with guys that are weird

you see her at the local cafe, she jumps out of a ball and starts attacking a dog. how do you open?

so many gorgeous women wanting to talk to me. they all are inviting me to watch them sex cameras and nude videos. this is because they are drawn to my traditional masculine values and strength. liberal men will never have this. because everyone is becoming girls now

guys. relax. it wasn’t a nazi salute. it was just a hitler salute

i am like Edward Fingerhands

“this is bi erasure” i know. i’m trying to erase them. their time is up.

i wrote a code that lets my dog send emails

wtf

what about edward furniturehands. and they’re like chairs and stuff

i hope you are all having a good new year so far. cause i’m fucking not. day 5 and i already got my dick and balls stuck in a revolving door. the police had to get involved

it’s very easy to win “try not to cum” games. where most people go wrong is they start jacking off

the green guy from the super mario games would get molested in real life

not now kitten, daddy’s training his mouse circus

my bf is all mad at me about his christmas present. yeah ok i guess i’m wrong for loving you and being thoughtful and assuming you’d want a penis enlarger. fucking ridiculous.

gay son or

one time my friend said something a little bit mean to me so i made the group chat photo a picture of his ex gf’s new boyfriend

they should call that guy Edgar Allan Poem!! because of all those poems he did.

turns out that violence is actually usually the answer

mr. president, care to comment on hawk tuah?

its nice here. so many posts that are just like “how’s everybody doing” and everyone replies “i’m pretty good”

it’s so awesome be off twitter and to have no idea what the fuck anyone is talking about

fox doesn’t try to kill dogs anymore. i’m proud of her

those people who were afraid of the first train footage were probably retarded

we all got that one uncle who killed himself

i love freedom. i love the flag. i love putting the flag in my mouth. i love sucking on the flag. i love wrapping the flag around my cock. but most of all, i love this dang country 🇺🇸

DRAKE: (rapping) whats up girl / (singing) sorry i mean they ~

hi it’s me, Gay Elon Musk, i should definitely kill myself but right now i’m sucking another man’s cock

hi it’s me, Gay Mr. Beast. i’m giving a thousand men blowjobs

"I hope Twitter implodes!" I don't. I hope someone else takes over & the site returns to how it was before. I have spent years of my life posting over there. It's like losing a close friend that introduced me to all of my other friends. It sucks & I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm sad about that.

what if i kicked elon musk into a fire