Opinion: ‘Miss school and you’ll end up in court? That’s quite the message to send children’ share.google/LpoLqRJJWjzK... This is a good one. For @kentonline.co.uk

I’m a sex worker, the government got this wrong with its porn crackdown metro.co.uk/2026/03/15/i... via @MetroUK

On joining the green party, V or @kentonline.co.uk www.kentonline.co.uk/thanet/news/...

Good grief, they've written a musical about penicillin. I do hope they don't rhyme it with thrillin' or killin'. Bought tickets anyway. southwarkplayhouse.co.uk/productions/...

On the nipah virus www.kentonline.co.uk/kent/news/th...

Doing my show at the Tom Thumb in Margate 13 June! She also offered me 16tb May but that's Eurovision and my heart audibly shattered at the prospect.

New podcast episode up! youtu.be/R5tdGOiS9JA?...

I'm doing Edinburgh! My show Gag Writer will be at the Ivy Studio, 22-26 George Street, from 7-22 August at 10pm. Every night except Sundays. Do come!

Being interviewed in Covent Garden next month! Cheap wine and an epically cool venue. www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/david-selv...

On the ubiquity of the paedo slur. Proud of this one.

Eventbrite refuse to promote this, even for cash, because it's adult content. It's less adult than the vagina monologues, or many pantomimes. It's grown up debate. Please show your support for grown up debate by attending. Cheap wine too. March 12, London. www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/david-selv...

You can now book tickets for the Edinburgh preview of my show at the Bread & Roses in Clapham! Get clicking: app.lineupnow.com/event/edinbu...

While most people had a Sunday roast yesterday, @melissartodd.bsky.social & I shot a few clips & the only thing that got roasted was my bottom! Though BB did a very good job at guarding my lingerie lol Fetlife - @time_to_play X (Twitter) - @JosieHMarks Spanking Library - Store 854

Shameless plug.

I've been called a "washed up prozzy" for writing this. Why, I'm at the very peak of my career. Also, not relevant. www.kentonline.co.uk/thanet/news/...

"Do you enjoy hurting people?" With the earnest and delightful Alex Branson Cole. youtu.be/dO9qNNCKz6s?...

New book available on Waterstones website too, Amazon haters! www.waterstones.com/book/gag-wri...

Reading from the new book at Screaming alley cabaret last night!

Saw @melissartodd.bsky.social yesterday in Gravesend reading from her new book and I absolutely recommend picking it up www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0FBL712S... I haven't finished it yet but it's incredibly well written, very funny, and she was quite lovely in person too. So yeah. Buy this book is my advice

On being phoneless for a fortnight. For @kentonline.co.uk www.kentonline.co.uk/kent/news/my...

A week today I will be in Gravesend reading from the new book and telling a few mucky anecdotes and it would be absolutely ripping were some of you to join me. facebook.com/events/s/hol...

From July 27 to August 10 I will have no internet access. At all. No phone, no nothing. So if you message me here or elsewhere I will not see it. Not ignoring you or dead, just off grid. And I can't tell you why either. Yet. But it's not prison.

Look! Love it! contains a Qr code so you can get to my book direct! With huge thanks to @graemealdy.bsky.social for making it happen. Thrilled!

On blackmail kinks. For Love it! magazine. Out today! Only 99p!

Gag Writer now available on audible as well as in paperback and kindle form. Listen to my daft posh voice drone on for flipping hours by clicking here: amzn.eu/d/ixLqpwb

Oh god...

New bookshop is open! Plunder, 32 High street, Ramsgate. Come say hi!

Look, I am third in the urban legends category! Right after swearing and shitting.

It's publication day! amzn.eu/d/73RIMD8

Thank you! X

My new book, Gag Writer, is out June 26th! Kindle, paperback or audio, read by me! Huge thanks to the fine folk at Love it! for their help. amzn.eu/d/hnTsy2V

On teaching three women how to domme, for Love it! magazine. Out today.

Journeying to Canterbury with a strap on and two pairs of dirty pants to post like a deleted scene from Chaucer.

Time for me to take off one pair of pants and put on another pair of pants and refer to it as "my career".

It's me!

Wait...did we just rejoin the EU?

Chap asking if I'd like to "try anything special" in our session, like I don't session 12x a week. Yeah I'd like to try this new kink where you don't ask stupid questions thanks.

Suddenly everyone wants to buy my dirty knickers. What's that about? Can't dirty them fast enough.

Man said to me today, it's so good to know someone who chooses to live truthfully, live their best authentic self out in the open. I just like money though.

Distance discipline, and chickens, for Love it! magazine. Out today!

Swedish government wants to make it a crime to pay for online sexual services. netzpolitik.org/2025/crimina...

Yeah the NHS being massively overstaffed is definitely the worst problem facing Britain today. Tell that to the hole in my tooth. Island of strangers indeed. I'm embarrassed and heartsore at that speech.

Son all excited a dish he's created has got on the specials board. Bless.

Man flying in from Spain specifically to see me today and another coming from Norway on Monday. I am single-handedly destroying the planet with my awesomeness.

Open my phone to find three When can we meet for coffee messages so now I'm considering how best to fake my own death.

Anxiety dreams my mum was driving me to my Faber course and making me late. Getting my piece workshopped on Saturday. Possibly related.

Ooh I'm up!

Three columns due on Tuesday and unprecedentedly I haven't written a bleeding word. Not short of ideas. Short of giving a shit. Hopefully my mojo will return in buckets tomorrow.

I got eight new fans out of that fucking machine. Eight!

Post-assembly.