I won sex positive influencer 2026!

"This is depravity unworthy of public consideration." That's going on the next tour poster. www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2026/06...

Chap from Quebec just wished me "shit" for my show rather than "Break a leg!" This is indicative of many carriages depositing huge crowds and much horse manure before the theatre, thus the equivalent to wishing a full house and commercial success. Isn't that spiffing? Not heard it before!

No they don't. But also, I'm sick of them illustrating my articles with a picture of a girl in bed. I'm getting zillions of emails from chaps now expecting a shag, not unreasonably. And the typo isn't mine either. metro.co.uk/2026/06/07/i... via @MetroUK

Are you watching our lovely @melissartodd.bsky.social on ITV Nobody’s Fool

@melissartodd.bsky.social the fringe guide it out today! Thought you’d enjoy seeing this :)

Oh I did a good job with this.

www.kentonline.co.uk/whats-on/new... Out Saturday 9pm on ITV!

I am doing a murder mystery on the 6th June. You should probably come. I've been told to channel Margaret Rutherford.

I am nominated in THREE CATEGORIES this year! Sex positive influencer, , that's the one I really want. If you get bored with the enormous form, hone in on that. PLEASE VOTE FOR ME ETC! You can vote every day until June 10th. awards.snaptogether.co.uk

Why dommes are always vegan, for Love it! magazine.

Opinion: ‘Miss school and you’ll end up in court? That’s quite the message to send children’ share.google/LpoLqRJJWjzK... This is a good one. For @kentonline.co.uk

I’m a sex worker, the government got this wrong with its porn crackdown metro.co.uk/2026/03/15/i... via @MetroUK

On joining the green party, V or @kentonline.co.uk www.kentonline.co.uk/thanet/news/...

Good grief, they've written a musical about penicillin. I do hope they don't rhyme it with thrillin' or killin'. Bought tickets anyway. southwarkplayhouse.co.uk/productions/...

On the nipah virus www.kentonline.co.uk/kent/news/th...

Doing my show at the Tom Thumb in Margate 13 June! She also offered me 16tb May but that's Eurovision and my heart audibly shattered at the prospect.

New podcast episode up! youtu.be/R5tdGOiS9JA?...

I'm doing Edinburgh! My show Gag Writer will be at the Ivy Studio, 22-26 George Street, from 7-22 August at 10pm. Every night except Sundays. Do come!

Being interviewed in Covent Garden next month! Cheap wine and an epically cool venue. www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/david-selv...

On the ubiquity of the paedo slur. Proud of this one.

Eventbrite refuse to promote this, even for cash, because it's adult content. It's less adult than the vagina monologues, or many pantomimes. It's grown up debate. Please show your support for grown up debate by attending. Cheap wine too. March 12, London. www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/david-selv...

You can now book tickets for the Edinburgh preview of my show at the Bread & Roses in Clapham! Get clicking: app.lineupnow.com/event/edinbu...

While most people had a Sunday roast yesterday, @melissartodd.bsky.social & I shot a few clips & the only thing that got roasted was my bottom! Though BB did a very good job at guarding my lingerie lol Fetlife - @time_to_play X (Twitter) - @JosieHMarks Spanking Library - Store 854

Shameless plug.

I've been called a "washed up prozzy" for writing this. Why, I'm at the very peak of my career. Also, not relevant. www.kentonline.co.uk/thanet/news/...

"Do you enjoy hurting people?" With the earnest and delightful Alex Branson Cole. youtu.be/dO9qNNCKz6s?...

New book available on Waterstones website too, Amazon haters! www.waterstones.com/book/gag-wri...

Reading from the new book at Screaming alley cabaret last night!

Saw @melissartodd.bsky.social yesterday in Gravesend reading from her new book and I absolutely recommend picking it up www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0FBL712S... I haven't finished it yet but it's incredibly well written, very funny, and she was quite lovely in person too. So yeah. Buy this book is my advice

On being phoneless for a fortnight. For @kentonline.co.uk www.kentonline.co.uk/kent/news/my...

A week today I will be in Gravesend reading from the new book and telling a few mucky anecdotes and it would be absolutely ripping were some of you to join me. facebook.com/events/s/hol...

From July 27 to August 10 I will have no internet access. At all. No phone, no nothing. So if you message me here or elsewhere I will not see it. Not ignoring you or dead, just off grid. And I can't tell you why either. Yet. But it's not prison.

Look! Love it! contains a Qr code so you can get to my book direct! With huge thanks to @graemealdy.bsky.social for making it happen. Thrilled!

On blackmail kinks. For Love it! magazine. Out today! Only 99p!

Gag Writer now available on audible as well as in paperback and kindle form. Listen to my daft posh voice drone on for flipping hours by clicking here: amzn.eu/d/ixLqpwb

Oh god...

New bookshop is open! Plunder, 32 High street, Ramsgate. Come say hi!

Look, I am third in the urban legends category! Right after swearing and shitting.

It's publication day! amzn.eu/d/73RIMD8

Thank you! X

My new book, Gag Writer, is out June 26th! Kindle, paperback or audio, read by me! Huge thanks to the fine folk at Love it! for their help. amzn.eu/d/hnTsy2V

On teaching three women how to domme, for Love it! magazine. Out today.

Journeying to Canterbury with a strap on and two pairs of dirty pants to post like a deleted scene from Chaucer.

Time for me to take off one pair of pants and put on another pair of pants and refer to it as "my career".

It's me!

Wait...did we just rejoin the EU?

Chap asking if I'd like to "try anything special" in our session, like I don't session 12x a week. Yeah I'd like to try this new kink where you don't ask stupid questions thanks.

Suddenly everyone wants to buy my dirty knickers. What's that about? Can't dirty them fast enough.

Man said to me today, it's so good to know someone who chooses to live truthfully, live their best authentic self out in the open. I just like money though.