ignoring a huge spider in my house got me feeling like a double agent against the household

what the fuck do you MEAN a "cookie butter cookie"?? Cookies and butter are already in the cookie you dont need to add extra

the worst crime ai ever commited was actually ruining em dashes for us pretentious shits who wanted to show off our liberal arts educations

When your homo be boasting you call em a

what do you do when your mom uses the 🥺 emoji??? do you call her a bottom???

Going MAGA for the lil beep beep Japanese trucks

If we want conservatives to be less cruel, all we need is to provide them better enrichment items. I see too many enclosures with smartphones, which only reinforces this bad behaviour. Please provide your conservative with less antisocial enrichment items, like woodworking tools or butterchurns

People need to stop pronouncing MAHA phonetically. it sounds like a delicous faux-tropical drink invented in California when you pronounce it that way

People trying to win an argument by askiNg Chat GPT whose right and sending screenshots as proof they're correct is wild. ITS PROGRAMMED TO AGREE WITH YOU. YOUR BRAIN IS SOUP

who is the most fuckable Shakespeare character and why is it Tybalt, the Prince of Cats?

people hate on renting but its way harder for vampires to enter my home when my home is technically owned by a public property managment company

yeah my hair cut is ass but i literally TOLD YOU i was nonbinary

i need someone to drop some whose behind the blanket cinematic universe of videos people sad that no one will buy their hyper specific themed tapestry rugs

in the Kafka World Order, you will be ze bug and be happy

painting a picture of a tunnel leading to a pool full of teenage girls on a wall and watching Trump walk into it nose first

everyones like "hydrate!" until i be blep blep blepping like a cat. then apparently i shouldnt be drinking lots of water

"Almost heaven, West Virginia" is an accurate lyric because being in west virginia is as close as you can be to being dead while alive

my bf called MY subway order white when HIS only condiment was RANCH

every time i look at my work, all i can think is that im crocheting either a stylish cocksleeve or a bong cozy

ummm, Burt, those aren't YOUR bees. Those bees are a free bee peoples

salmon grow new, sharper teeth when they're horny and i think thats beautiful

i spent all day thinking about salmon and everytime I speak I roll a die on whether or not i explode with salmon facts

I assume the plot of Animorphs is the same as Uzumaki but instead of snails you have options

the ONLY problem with not being able to drive is the lack of access to petting zoos. NO bus or train can take me to a baby goat and thats a CRIME

everyones excited about getting cheap off-broadway Hamilton tickets until theyre in a theatre listening to a musical about the founding fathers of Hamilton, Ontario

Cluck Schumer *insert poorly edited photo of chick schumer as a chicken*

ALL BOW BEFORE KING JOLIBEE

*Tired butler voice* "And what shall you post this Novemeber day, young master. A Mariah Carey Meme? Very good, sir"

halloween is the best holiday because it’s the one that’s the most community focused. also because it’s the horniest

Great job, everyone, we did it again

anyway here's my bathroom

who up poe posting?

Suddenly their came a tapping as of asscheeks gently clapping clapping outside my chamber door

i dont skeet on halloween i read quaint and curious volumes of forgotten lore

no one knows im dressed up like a train conductor rn

Never learn to cut you're own hair. You'll be like "im gonna grow my hair out" then wake up and realize you gave yourself a gay lil mullet at 3 am

"Stop saying you're not a "real" adult, you're 26" Meanwhile, my mom talking about a 30 year old: "So there was this kid at the store..."

If you're not making Italians mad with how your cooking, you're not cooking right

i do not understand the "discover" algorithim on here. it will just show me softcore porn. i make a point of not following anyone even slightly horny. it cannot think i want to see that

voting for a poly president because i thinknit would be rad to have a presidential polycule comprised of the first lady and the first gentleman and the second first lady and the first gentlefolx

East wing should be made into a parking lot tbh

shitting and pissing and crying on the 7-11 bathroom floor (they didnt have the right colour of Gatorade)

putting my schemnis on the 7-11 hot dog roller

hoe be slurpieing on my dong like its 7-11

is your gender a vegetable, animal, or mineral?

Your a fem-man now, son.

honestly kinda just suprised the Louvre just had Napoleon's balls on display

the fact that the TMNT theme song ends with thr lyric "Turtle Power" is a subtle nod the turtle supremacist ideology held by the turtles

taking every American oomf to the Canadian A&W and buying them a baby burger and a root beer (you are all my little babies. my little pogchamps)