IUD = I'm UnDomfortable

my dreams ask the important questions. like what if FDR was one of the Beatles

happy erev government shutdown, y'all

if u cant commit to the bit, how will I know u can commit to me?

laundry is just a potion of clean clothes

soft launching my new boo today (I told my therapist abt him)

parents, just because your daughter is smiling at her phone doesn't mean she has a boyfriend. maybe she's looking at pictures of bionicles

I dress modest not to get closer to g-d but to hide all the hickeys

walk of shame but it's me collecting all the discarded seltzer cans in my apartment and putting them in the recycling bin

if u ever want to feel bad about urself, go to a ringo starr concert. man's 84 years old, still touring, and occasionally jumping around on stage. meanwhile I, at the tender age of 29, took 3 hours to get out of bed today.

job hunting is like dating. there's an opening im tryna fill

devastating. just learned that packing extra snacks does nothing to nourish ur body if u forget to eat them

please, call me bobby pins. robert pins was my father

white smoke to announce that i've elected to give up

so when a bunch of old catholic men get together and gossip in secret it's a "conclave" and an "ancient tradition" but when me and my besties do that, it's "caddy" and "rude"

shoutout to the guy at the airport wearing a shirt that says "I ❤️ MILFS"

forget self driving cars, we should develop self cleaning glasses

wild how I show up to the dentist and know nothing except that I pay an insane amount of money for a stranger to stick their fingers down my gullet

attorneys who do not send a redlined version of an updated draft should be disbarred

I'm so glad I'm in the office full time so I can hear every teams. all of the person on the other side of my office who's in a different department

yeah I'm a pick me. pick me up, I'd like to be carried

the most unrealistic thing about #Severance is that Helly R. works in an office building with only men and she doesn't need a sweater

crazy that today is 4 years since i officially became jewish ✡️

I'm a normal jew who does normal jewish things. like reading apocryphal xtian texts in order to get closer to chaucer

ur outie is on social media even though they haven't finished watching severance

y'all think ghosts listen to fright noise to help em sleep?

it takes balls to go by that name

bout to meet my 9th online friend. does that mean the next one is free?

Me on a friday

hamantasho hamantashas hamantasha hamantashamos hamantasháis hamantashan #purim

it's dangerous using talk to text in public. I was about to throw hands at a man sitting next to me when he said "we should find an excuse to get brunch" before I realized he had his phone real close to his mouth

I'm reading a middle English translation of a Latin treatise (bc I'm a normal 30 year old) and the Latin author's name is Boethius and every time I see his name all I can think it Boethius Nutz

they WHAT??

I'm in my granny panties era

wild that i witnessed someone throw a n*zi salute at my open mic last night

as a nonbinary person, my gender isn't whatever is convenient for me. it's whatever is inconvenient for u

I'm a simple person. I get to work 45 minutes early and read chaucer while I finish my coffee

do i have a headache bc i watched 5 episodes in a row of Law and Order, or bc I'm now trying to read a middle English treatise on philosophy

It ys a challenging, turbulent, difficult tyme. My greatest wisshe ys that you may fynde sum small moment of peace, delight, mirthe, pleasure, discoverye, connectioun, or fascinacioun that doth make yower day just a litel bettir. Ich wisshe thys for thee wyth all of myne hearte.

don't talk to me or my son ever again #Dimension20

duo might be dead but my streak is alive

if im required to be in the office 5 days a week then I think they shouldn't be allowed to require that I teleworking the rest of the day when they send us home early for inclement weather

had a dream last night that I had a donut before going into yom kippur services, which then turned into attending a gay pride parade broadcast only on C-SPAN

WHAT A WEEKE IT HATH BEEN, HUH?

I'm a simple they/them. I wake up at 7am and read 300 lines of chaucer

how your email finds me

me waiting for ADA Jack McCoy to spit in my mouth

all I'm saying is that 2 yrs ago everyone said I was "dramatic" and "taking it too seriously" when I slapped a guy for making antisemitic jokes related to elon musk buying twitter, and now elon musk is doing nazi salutes in public

update: I have been reliably informed it is, in fact, the bottom in me

is it the new englander or the gay in me that loves an iced coffee even tho it's well below freezing and literally snowing