It took EXACTLY 3 quarters for Ben Johnson to become a Bears coach.

Ruin a movie by making it about Gary. Gary Gardens (The house is actually pretty nice, but there is still a raccoon. He is only related to George Kennedy.)

Rudy Giuliani and Alan Dershowitz are engaged in a very high-stakes and high-profile “being like that” contest and it’s gonna be a photo finish

Finally, someone gets it.

This is America.

Welcome to the 2027 Chicago mayoral election, Andrew Cuomo

I want to find this man, if he is still around, and gently bully him.

Everybody asks, "How's the sandwich?" Nobody ever asks, "How are you, sandwich?"

So we beat on, sandwiches against the table, borne back ceaselessly into the stomachs.

Sometimes HR and Payroll come together and call in one of our specialists to "send a message" to the rank and file. We call this package, "The company is downsizing, everyone is getting two weeks severance regardless of seniority." It is most popular amongst companies setting record profits.

Jamila was a model before she was taken up to a C-Suite after work drinks soiree. Synergies were realized, new revenue streams were discussed. Some say her consumption led to Thad's discovery of a new way to cross-utilize product in order to maximize ROI in down-markets.

Little known fact: When my cousin Giuseppe was slaughtered for a team-building exercise in Chappaqua (pictured here), his body became the first official use of the term "put a pin in it."

One of my kind being born into a cruel and uncaring world. He will be devoured partially by a woman named Doris while she absolutely demolishes Ted in accounting's choice of tie/sock combinations.