if democrats are serious about winning they need to learn from tonight and convert to islam

stephen miller currently sobbing as he consumes a live goat in his cage in the white house basement

how fucking embarrassing for chuck schumer that he didn’t endorse the democratic nominee for mayor. dude is begging for a primary and it doesn’t even have to be AOC. as we learned tonight it could be an assemblyman no one’s heard of from queens. schumer should be shaking in his boots tonight.

very excited to spend the next year asking people who threatened to move out of nyc “hey whatever happened with that?”

i grew up in NJ and have lived in NYC for 15 years so I’m feeling pretty fucking smug tonight

donald trump won in 2024 because people were furious about high prices and dems ran weak candidates but americans hate him and they hate what he’s doing to the country and they keep telling us that every fucking chance they get. it’s not complicated.

if we elect a muslim socialist as mayor of new york city on the same day dick cheney died i’ll never take another note from a development exec telling me a plot point was “too on the nose”

if you needed another reason to go vote for @zohrankmamdani.bsky.social today just consider that with one simple 30-second act you can make a man worth $500 billion sad. just imagine elon sobbing at dinner tonight over his ketamine and nitrogen pills and hamburger helper and let that motivate you

if i found out stephen miller liked anything I was doing I would change my name and move to a different country

Tonight’s Closer Look #catapults youtu.be/o0YCCcxRNG4?...

voted for @zohrankmamdani.bsky.social and it felt great. thrilling to vote for a democratic socialist and compassionate normal human who will take on trump and the oligarchs and who talks about making food/housing/buses more affordable for working people rather than ballrooms and tylenol. go vote!

tomorrow a reporter should tell Mike Johnson and James Comer that Joe Biden said “I don’t know who he is” regarding one of his pardons and ask if the president’s mental infirmity renders his pardons null and void then say “actually that was trump” and just see what happens

trump thinks the “insurrection act” is a secret cheat code written on the back of the constitution in invisible ink that lets him do whatever he want without any judicial oversight and there’s not even the faintest pushback from the professional journalist sitting across from him

Did not expect one of the best paragraphs I’d read about baseball would come from an Irish newspaper www.irishexaminer.com/sport-column...

for the love of god have a heart and add a Game 8 you sadists

(curling into a ball on the floor, rocking back and forth, sobbing) “will smith…. (world’s largest sigh) slapped that ball” (screams)

zohran has driven the right so insane they’re writing headlines like ozymandias threatening to send a psychic squid to attack manhattan

(kristi noem after deporting 300 fifth graders dressed as kpop demon hunters) “the left’s radical anti-demon agenda has gone too far”

jeffries waiting until now to endorse is really the perfect microcosm of elite Dem futility: doing the right thing but too late and getting no credit for it

this is probably an unpopular take but I don’t think calling trump a “wrecking ball” or talking about the history or sanctity of the white house is gonna matter to people. it’s not that trump is “wrecking” politics (many want it wrecked). It’s “why?” And “for who?” He’s doing it for himself.

trump is literally doing what alien invaders do in movies to make clear they are evil: destroying the white house

if toronto wins the world series america becomes the 11th province

as a comedy writer something I love about these protests is how many genuinely creative and funny bits there are. the cava bags, this text chain. even a sign as simple as “honk if you’re not in the epstein files” really tickled me. very good stuff all around.

the parallels to 2003 are oddly very hopeful to me right now. there were massive outpourings of direction action on the streets, and a lawless authoritarian regime called anyone who participated in those rallies “traitors” who were against “the troops.” we all know who won in the end. #nokings

this is clearly the work of Antifa Central Command and their Elite Graphic Design Unit

I give shit to Jeffries (and Schumer) when they suck, so it’s also important to recognize when they’re doing it right. This is doing it right. More of this, indeed. *Everyone* involved in the corruption of this administration MUST face consequences for their actions.

this was basically the entire thrust of a piece I wrote for @newrepublic.com in july. The lesson for Democrats from Zohran’s win is actually not super complicated or even all that radical. it basically just boils down to “be normal” newrepublic.com/article/1979...

(ezra klein voice) democrats should try to win in red states by adopting a more moderate position on the question of whether democrats should or should not be arrested in military style round-ups

chuck schumer (as secret police put a black hood over his head and drag him into an unmarked van): “here’s a thought: instead of disappearing ME, maybe the president should be disappearing HIGH PRICES!” (door slams shut, van speeds away)

I’m as proud of tonight’s Closer Look as any in a long time. Not only because it’s about free speech and good news but also because there’s a long tangent about fake products from Spencer’s Gifts like a “Flush It!” button and “Butt Marbles” youtu.be/pcuhtrgOOMc?...

shit ain’t over til it’s over

Seth Meyers closed out Thursday night’s "A Closer Look" with a pointed—and personal—message about Jimmy Kimmel’s sudden suspension and its implications for free speech in America.

sitting in the studio for this, I really enjoyed how the audience immediately lost it. i thought it might take longer for them to get the bit but they immediately burst out in laughter, it was a very fun and cathartic moment

Tonight’s Closer Look youtu.be/bGpYFjwClr8?...

The following is a statement from the WGA on ABC’s decision to pull ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’

The shape of politics in the US right now is increasingly that the media, political and economic elites are allied with the Trump regime against the actual people of the country who hate it

i’ll vote for anyone who primaries this guy in 2028 (if we still have elections with multiple parties). don’t care who it is. maybe it’s aoc. maybe it’s brad lander. maybe it’s the times square buzz lightyear. maybe it’s pizza rat. anyone. you have my vote.

probably among the worst times, if not the worst time, in American history to have an exhausted and impotent opposition party led by Very Old Guys and robots who still think the most effective way to save democracy is to say the words “TACO Trump” then dive behind a barrel and hide for a few weeks

many finding out now what has been true for a long time, which is that 99% of right-wing politics is just making up a fake guy to be mad at

i’m a mets fan, a jets fan and a registered democrat because i absolutely love pain and misery. can’t get enough of feeling sad and angry. i love being relentlessly waterboarded by failure and disappointment and i want life to keep punching me in the dick. love filling my house with rakes to step on

this is an incredible exchange between bernie and RFK and I think everyone should watch it. bernie doesn’t allow RFK to claim the “anti-big pharma” mantle. he explicitly calls out big pharma as corrupt but also calls out rfk as a dangerous unhinged crank. this is the way youtu.be/GmGRDi1h6zs?...

they are literally doing “war is peace”

eric adams announcing that he is dropping out of the race to take a job as the “ambassador of swag, because rizz-ness is my business, and when I wake up in the morning, charm is my alarm. saudi arabia is the new york of the middle east”

why is it so hard for democratic leaders to say something like “the president can’t kill whoever he wants”? why are they so quiet? why does it feel like we never see or hear from them as the president amasses more and more terrifying power? at what point is it reasonable to conclude they don’t care?

RFK Jr (wheezing and panting, with bugs crawling all over him, slime oozing out of his eyes and ears) “i can diagnose mitochondiral issues in young children at the airport with the x-ray vision I get from drinking methylene blue” republican senators: thank you for making america healthy again

this has to be main takeaway from the last decade if we survive. there is no such thing as serious, ideologically coherent “conservatism” and no one should treat it as a cogent set of beliefs. it’s just a loose collection of grievances and demands. they have the temperament of single cell organisms

say all you want about ted cruz but you can’t deny this is a well constructed joke about the “dominos pizza line,” that totally real thing we all know about and are familiar with. you know, the line at dominos to buy pizza. just a perfectly executed witticism. The right is getting good at comedy

we regret to inform you that mayor giuliani now permanently looks like this

There is no conceivable interpretation of the law of war in which a camera set up nearby legitimizes a mass casualty double tap strike on a protected civilian site like a hospital. The fact that Israel is citing it as if it meets some standard should, by itself, trigger a halt in weapons to Israel.