Sleep monitor or smartwatch from 1991?

Among many other things, I will never forgive ICE for making me have sympathy for cops.

"Enlisted men will have dicks no shorter than six inches."

Who could have possibly predicted that a power play by a drunken, former National Guard captain to gain the respect of lifetime military professionals would backfire?

I have never had this much sympathy for generals and admirals in my life.

Some of these guys look like aliens in human costumes who are trying to run for the first time.

Idiots from my state that don't believe in climate change ask Canada to please solve climate change, so they can get back to racing around on four-wheelers. www.bbc.com/news/article...

There are three years left in Trump's term. www.bbc.com/news/article...

The main takeaway from yesterday's Minnesota manhunt news is that apparently it's pretty easy to convince a cop that you are also a cop. I realize cops are Rhodes Scholars, but don't they have a secret handshake or something?

Not to brag, but I just fixed my non-filling toilet tank with four pennies.

i’m here at lake and bloomington where a group of protesters have gathered. officers with DEA and ICE patches have surrounded las cuatro milpas. video slow to upload, apologies.

This Norwegian guy's reaction to a container ship running aground 20 feet from his house is so deadpan Norwegian I can barely stand it. www.bbc.com/news/article...

Oklahoma is quickly distinguishing itself as the Florida of the Great Plains.

This was meant to be a reply to someone, but Bluesky glitched and the post disappeared. Anyway, here's the video call background I used at work. No one said anything, which in my book is a full-throated endorsement.

For the sake of organization and tracking, news outlets should have a whole section devoted to "Which Trump appointee didn't understand the basic concepts of their job today?" Outlets pretending to be surprised every time one of these ding songs doesn't know basic civics is getting old.

Hey Canada, I have a new tourism campaign idea for you. cc @mark-carney.bsky.social

Cue the desperate rush to by masks (and probably toiletpaper). I figure we'll be in lockdown by January.

I got a new vacuum, finally. They sound slightly different.

The SAVING THE WORLD ON $50 A DAY sale ends at midnight CT! “A clever, LOL story about a dickhead billionaire who (fingers crossed) doesn't win.” “At one point I noticed I was reading with a constant smile on my face and had to relax my cheeks." www.amazon.com/Saving-World... #booksky

Even more product placements for my new spy/comedyin popular films! Wow! Sale ends at midnight tomorrow. www.amazon.com/Saving-World... #booksky

Watch till the end. It's worth it.

Reminder: The ebook version of my new spy/comedy, SAVING THE WORLD ON $50 A DAY, is on sale now for the low, low price of $2.99! Now, please enjoy the incredible product placements in popular films that my book has already received. www.amazon.com/Saving-World... #booksky

I am running a three-day, 60% ebook discount promotion for SAVING THE WORLD ON $50 A DAY on Mon-Wed, May 5-7. (In other words, right now!) If you want to read about an evil billionaire who (fingers crossed) doesn't win, this book is for you. Also, the LOLs. www.amazon.com/Saving-World... #booksky

I was explaining the premise of and characters in #Thunderbolts to my buddy in the elevator yesterday. A guy in his 20s got on and must have been incredulous that a guy in his 50s was explaining Marvel lore, because the side-eye was unsubtle.

“Totally not photoshopped”

I can't get a job interview and this dumb mfer is on TV.

There are 815 #GenX podcasts that look back. I haven't found one (yet) that looks forward. That's what I need, particularly as employment uncertainty looms, retirement seems like a fantasy, and I wonder if life is worth living after my body decided it won't tolerate garlic?

Happy Storm Damage Insurance Claim Eve.

Her family restaurant in South Dakota must be doing unbelievably well. Like, Elon-sidles-in-takes-over-then-takes-credit well. Remember how managing the restaurant was her main qualification for being governor, while the actually qualified guy was shamed for having studied in the UK? Fun times.

So the couch fucker, almost definitely a walking bacterial infection, meets the Pope who then promptly dies. Awkward.

54 is a fun age. Old people think you're a young and young people think you're ancient. #genx

I was the victim of a slight twist on a classic Eastern European restaurant price switch scam Saturday night - in Minneapolis. Apparently, fancy restaurants now view the practice of bringing the most expensive version of what you ordered without question as "good service."

It’s always weird realising that people will pay more for a blank Moleskine notebook than for a novel.

That NYT piece on how Gen X is getting career-screwed (again) sums up my last five years perfectly. It's time to take an air conditioning repair course, I guess.

I watched "Casino Royale" for the first time in ages. All the global mayhem that unfolded over a mere $100 million was so 2006.

Add "international tourism spending in the US" to the list of industries that are about to take a hit. Seeing a lot of stories of international visitors being arbitrarily detained (sometimes for weeks) and deported. Word about that kind of thing travels fast. Why take the risk?

BREAKING: Elon Musk is on the verge of being banned from all Texas schools.

Detox over.

Why am I only just now learning that there's a real life "Simpsonville" and a "Shelbyville" right next to each other in Kentucky? I hope the local tourism entity already has an Instagram station set up. #thesimpsons

These guys held up River Road traffic for several minutes, protesting all the hoomans that were suddenly on their turf, enjoying the 70-degree weather.

In personal news, I'm doing a chocolate chip cookie detox for a few weeks. Thank you for your support during this difficult time.

I suspect I'm the 10,000th person to think of that line, but in my defense shut up.

If someone you know gets food poisoning from bad chicken, you can run around telling people they ran afoul of foul fowl.

Welp, walking around without a mask sometimes was fun while it lasted.

Foresight isn't exactly booming within the gop right now. That said, these people seem surprisingly unconcerned that Dump is 78 years old, has spent a lifetime avoiding exercise, and lives on cheeseburgers and burnt steaks. He ain't gonna be around to protect or pardon people for much longer.

If you're in Minneapolis/St Paul this weekend and want to forget about $hitty things for a while, this is what you need. These family-friendly shows are always outstanding.

Second batch in four days. I'm not giving up. You're giving up.

I believe "Too many transactions taking place too quickly" was the title of the emergency meeting the Federal Reserve electronic payments team had during Musk's time at PayPal, and the astounding fraud it facilitated in the early 2000s. #musk