Someone just ran up to me in the street and tried to intimidate me with a hardback copy of Heidegger's Being and Time - I'm so sick and tired of these existential threats.

And yet Alan Titchmarsh is still allowed to roam free. #TwoSecateurKeir www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025...

TOP TIP: Save time in arguments by instantly jumping to other people's conclusions.

In the future, historical re-enactment societies will re-run the culture wars with people standing in a muddy field typing angry messages into their phones.

Is it so they can bend over backwards claiming they're not fascists? observer.co.uk/culture/book...

Saw a shop offering a service called 'microneedling', so I went in and they annoyed me ever so slightly.

Relaxing with a big black marker pen and the existential abyss colouring-in book.

I'm short-sighted in my mind's eye so I can only imagine things really close up.

During the war my grandfather worked as a military mime artist. It was his job to convince the enemy there was a large invisible wall blocking their path.

Managed to do 60,000 steps today, which is one of the benefits of having your stairs designed by MC Escher.

Reminder: There's no need to verify your age if you are using the #totp hashtag.

Still not sure about self-driving cars. I've seen Herbie Goes Bananas and it was absolute chaos.

I've been seeing a daydream therapist. It's like dream therapy but you spend the whole session just staring out of the window.

Soon to be known as the YourHypnoBoobParty www.theguardian.com/politics/202...

Tonight's meeting of the Hindsight Society has been cancelled due to what, in retrospect, were entirely foreseeable circumstances.

"What do we want?" "Delayed gratification!" "When do we want it?" "Erm..."

Saw a Creationist at the Natural History Museum. He couldn't believe God had gone to all that trouble to test his faith.

My ex got custody of my inner child.

This is getting ridiculous. I've just been asked to verify my age in order to access my subconscious.

The headquarters of the Rorschach Test Society is a real blot on the landscape.

The first rule of Performative Outrage Club is an absolute disgrace and I have just tendered my resignation.

The theory of Nominative Determinism was first proposed by Professor Norman T.F. Determinist.

Applied for a job as a contingency planner. No idea what to do if I don't get it.

Took an overdose of placebos and a doctor had to pretend to pump my stomach.

It's not Your Party, and I'll cry if I want to.

I'm sick and tired of the clear political bias of anyone who disagrees with me.

Yes, these can be the only two possible explanations.

My kettle is at boiling point The authorities need to get a grip And quickly (This tea won't make itself, you know)

Surprised they didn't go with MechaHitler Youth. www.bloomberg.com/news/article...

Surprised they didn't go with MechaHitler Youth. www.bloomberg.com/news/article...

In the future, everyone will be sued by Trump for 15 minutes.

You don't believe I can give up being a shameless exhibitionist? Well, you just watch me.

Must be one of those urbane foxes. www.standard.co.uk/news/london/...

Got thrown out of the National Portrait Gallery for trying to take a photo in landscape mode.

This sounds like a case for Avon and Somerset Police.

Sorry to hear the new genetically modified apple has gone pear-shaped.

The rot only set in with the introduction of Scrappy-Doo.

Morris Dancers have to wear all those bells in order to stop them killing garden birds.

In the future, everyone will be sued by Trump for 15 minutes.

I always say: if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well, so maybe somebody else should do it.

Surely they mean a 'vain condition'. www.politico.com/news/2025/07...

We must protect the under 16s from being corrupted by the internet, but once they have been corrupted then they should be given the vote.

Unfortunately, someone asked it the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything, so we won't hear anything from it for seven and half million years. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Got thrown out of the National Portrait Gallery for trying to take a photo in landscape mode.

Sorry to hear the new genetically modified apple has gone pear-shaped.

The Pavlov-Milgram Experiment showed that whenever a bell was rung, 65% of dogs would administer a lethal electric shock to their owner.

Reminder that if you are voting in the election for leadership of the Freudian Society then you will be required to show your id.

We must protect the under 16s from being corrupted by the internet, but once they have been corrupted then they should be given the vote.

BREAKING: 16 year-olds get right to vote at next general election, but only if they have tidied their bedrooms.