But in a very real sense are we not all the secret traitor...to ourselves?

My 2026 new year's resolution is to become part of a throuple: a threatening couple

Although their egos and superegos will remain analogue for now.

I'm doing Vagueanuary. l've given something up. I'm just not sure what it is.

Reminder that if you are in any way dissatisfied with your new year there is a 14 day 'cooling-off' period during which you can cancel.

it's honestly kind of wasteful that we get a new year every single year. seems really bad for the environment.

At midnight today, it will have been 2016 for the past decade.

I always go the extra mile, which is why I am always a mile away from wherever I should be.

Really enjoyed last night's meeting of Hoarders Anonymous. The place was totally packed.

They tried a spatula but that was taking too long. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Started listening to a podcast about longevity lifehacking and immediately lost the will to live.

Got AI to write me the perfect dating profile and now I'm going out with a Waitrose self-scan machine.

Started reading a book about the collective unconscious, but then thought if it's true then I already know all about it.

Started playing Monopoly on a Ouija board and all the little houses have become haunted.

Arrives in Heaven to discover Christ really does look like that. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Still no knighthood for Farage for services to social harmony.

Being 'very angry' about something that may not have happened is a totally normal state of mind for Trump. news.sky.com/story/ukrain...

Great news. In addition to 'mute' and 'block' we now have an option to 'revoke citizenship'.

I hope they used Hastings Direct. www.theguardian.com/world/2025/d...

I must say Donald Trump is looking much better since he had his face redacted.

Saw a shop offering a service called 'microneedling', so I went in and they annoyed me ever so slightly.

I was recently diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, something I absolutely refuse to accept.

Perhaps the BBC, and all other broadcasters, should err on the side of caution and never show footage of Trump speaking again.

This may not be a popular opinion but I don’t believe you should kill a Christmas tree unless you’re planning on eating the whole thing.

Looking forward to this year's away day with the Conspiracy Theory Society. We're going to see the Blackpool Illuminati.

So she can now sue them for £5bn, right?

Bought a book called 'How to Manage Expectations'. To be honest, it was a bit of a let down.

Following the controversy over the edited Trump speech, the BBC has been lambasted for its negative and biased portrayal of the leader of a prominent right-wing government… An Evening with Private Eye 2025, out now on YouTube.

If Trump has a legitimate complaint about the BBC he should go through the proper channels and write a letter to Points of View.

Eats shoots, and leaves.

Perhaps the BBC, and all other broadcasters, should err on the side of caution and never show footage of Trump speaking again.

Giacometti was so focused on his art he would regularly forget to feed his dog.

Or 103% backing if you read the AI summary. www.theguardian.com/technology/2...

If Trump has a legitimate complaint about the BBC he should go through the proper channels and write a letter to Points of View.

We live in a blame culture, and it's all your fault.

Started chatting with an AI therapist but, to save time, I got another AI to perform my role. Now I just let them get on with it and to let me know if they ever make a breakthrough.

[12hrs into my ice interrogation] agent: in 2021 you posted “they should call him matt hardcock am i right fellas” can you explain that? me: do you know who matt hancock is? a:… [43mins later] a: he had his own app? for parkour? me: no the parkour was a separate issue

This should finish off her chances.

Just walked past the headquarters of the Subliminal Advertising Standards Authority, and didn't even notice it.

Dystopiary (n) - the art or practice of post-apocalyptic hedge trimming.

If the social media ban on kids works we should seriously think about extending it to adults.

Procrastination Tip 1. Identify the most important thing to do 2. Use this as an excuse not to do anything else 3. Don't do item 1 either

PMQs should be replaced by a weekly half hour session where MPs have to sit in silence and think about what they have done.

I've got an obsessive compulsive poltergeist who tidies things up overnight.

E-Cigarettes are clearly a gateway drug to 'harder' electronic devices, such as televisions, microwaves and fridge-freezers.

🎶 We're All Going on a Summa Theologica 🎶

If the social media ban on kids works we should seriously think about extending it to adults.

Really enjoyed last night's meeting of the Social Phobia Support Group. Nobody else turned up.

But only a select few managed to make a career out of it.