I won't tell anyone if I won the lottery but there'll be signs.

Finally, science makes itself useful.

DO NOT *swallows liver king branded supplements* MY FRIENDS *buys expensive suit* GET ADDICTED *lathers up rogaine shampoo* TO GENDER AFFIRMING CARE *chases trt meds with viagra* IT WILL TAKE HOLD OF YOU *injects botox* & YOU WILL RESENT ITS ABSENCE *clicks extra-veiny on dick extension order*

Imagine thinking you deserve to hold elected office, while full-throated admitting that if people aren't explicitly reminded you sell washcloths, then you'll fade into white noise. Personally I'd have led with the time you made a movie so bad it got you kicked out of Scientology.

Next on SPKF: "Freak Pickleball Accident" Not The Most Embarrassing Phrase Of This Obituary

"...Spiegel illegally dispensed prescriptions to her daughter – who she eventually found dead of a drug overdose. Spiegel apologized in court but partly blamed his behavior on losing family in the Holocaust." This man should need a ladder to smell Satan's feet.

"...Spiegel illegally dispensed prescriptions to her daughter – who she eventually found dead of a drug overdose. Spiegel apologized in court but partly blamed his behavior on losing family in the Holocaust." This man should need a ladder to smell Satan's feet.

Next on SPKF: "Freak Pickleball Accident" Not The Most Embarrassing Phrase Of This Obituary

Next on Amfeed: Journalist receives death threats from people gambling on his reporting.

Subtlety is just dead.

Imagine thinking you deserve to hold elected office, while full-throated admitting that if people aren't explicitly reminded you sell washcloths, then you'll fade into white noise. Personally I'd have led with the time you made a movie so bad it got you kicked out of Scientology.

Looking forward to how Mötley Crüe covers this one.

No word yet on what happened to the other 98 balloons.

Up next on SPKF: Military Personnel 'Advised' To Attend Puffaganda Film (Under Implied Threat Of "[Getting] Jacked Up By Our Unit Commander" If They Didn't)

Next on Amfeed: 10/10, No Notes, Perfect Transmet Headline

The latest gig-economy offering: AIs replacing you, then outsourcing the labor to you.

The DOJ's official stance since at least 2018 is that PUSA's social media posts are official PUSA statements. Putting the Vox Praesidis in some unnamed, unsupervised, & unaccountable shitposter's hands seems like a rookie mistake, but what do I know, I'm not on Year Five of presidentin'.

The latest gig-economy offering: AIs replacing you, then outsourcing the labor to you.

Topping Amfeed's human interest stories: a 3rd example of someone hospitalized for sticking vintage munitions up their ass.

RFK Jr, shaking with rage: "...did he say DOCTOR?!"

Someone call Nik Cage, we need to swap the WD-40 & KFC secret recipes.

Next on SPKF: Anti-Porn App Leaks Masturbation Data Of Its Users, Including Minors

Coming up next on Amfeed: MY MOMMY

Holy shit, yes.

Yes, by all means, let's draw comparisons to an avoidable disaster involving LITERAL ICE. Should have kept that one in the drafts, lint-dick.

We found our Smiler.

Next on SPKF: Church Partners With Professional Sadist "Mr. Beast", Hopes To Make Child Marriage Cool Again It doesn't help that Google searches for LDS are how I found out Warren Jeffs is still the leader of FDLS while serving a life sentence for CSA. Not the same org, but wow. (un)Holy fuck.

Coming up on Amfeed:

Coming up next on SPKF:

Big butt and a smile? The girl's poison. Big butt and no smile? The girl's autistic.

Up next on Amfeed, genAI just-the-tips its wick into the US legal system.

Here's a fun party game, everyone go around the room and tell everyone what the Post is gonna report you were fiddling with during your pre-crime shit. Mine's Vampire Survivors!

Computer, enhance. As you can see captain, while the message appears to be coming from the women, it's actually coming from that barely-disguised creep who grins like he's getting away with it.

Now On Amfeed: Gaggle Of Pearl-Clutchers Suddenly Cool With Defacing The White House

Next On SPKF: Opponents Of Gender-Affirming Care Have A Sad About Looking Unglamorous In Their Photos

Yeah let's get a "medicinal use only" speech from Adderall J. Fuckbuckle & The Ketamine Crew.

"Dicks are costly, balls are optional" is exactly how I'd summarize US politics in 2025.

Finally, a news item that warms the cockles of my stony heart.

10,000 tons worth of bombs, dropped by a single invisible aircraft, and it goes "bing bing" when it attacks. Hell of a heel turn for Wonder Woman.

Coming up next on Amfeed: J6 Bomber's Media Diet Reveals Obsession With A Cartoon Nazi Friendship Horse Even in a universe with "Sex Puppets" in it, this would be some weird shit.

Next on SPKF: THIS Asshole. Remember what happened after "let them eat cake"? What'cha suppose should follow from "don't let yourself eat a cookie"? To anyone tossing around that old "eat the rich" chestnut, here's a pro-tip: it's more effective if you're holding a carving board instead of a menu.

I started this account as a way of joking about how so many real-world headlines are becoming as crazy as the fictional ones from Transmet. But this IRL version of the Beast literally talks like Transmet's traits are an actual thing that exists - AND is framing it like it's a bad thing?!

Up next on Amfeed: Secretary Of State Declares A Font "Wasteful Diversity" What a Helveticunt.

Finally, science makes itself useful.

Thank you for your service, ham sniffers.

"Surprising"?

Finally.

Been threatening to do this for a while, and I finally did: my "Transmetropolitan Headlines In Real Life" account is now on Bluesky. Be sure to tag it with any (REAL, NOT PARODY/FAKE) headlines that look like they were torn from the pages of Transmet!

An oldie but a goldie: uk.pcmag.com/pokemon-go/8...