Here is Graham gloating about "killing all the right people." Just in case you see anyone try to do the whole "we should have decency for the dead" nonsense.

I’m about to go one one cruise and come back Weird Kimono Lady

If you see someone stealing diapers, NO YOU DIDN’T

Could have made up for all that lost ticket revenue in one gloriously productive evening

Well you don’t say

OCEANIA HAS ALWAYS BEEN VERY CLOSE TO A DEAL WITH EURASIA

“Molecules all change; I am other I now”

This is atrocious, embarrassing, and I’m ashamed to be part of this district. Sharice Sargent, Fallon Girini, and Michele Sheridan, I hope the lawyers take your settlement money and no one ever comes to your birthday parties.

NYT reporters are extremely credulous — and also straight-up glizzy-guzzlers, as the 4th graders (used to) say.

You come to me, on the day of my son's wedding, which I am not attending

Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael, Donatello, Splinter, and April O’Neil

Please please please let RFK Jr be the Tom Hanks of hantavirus

FUCK A JOHN FETTERMAN

I just want the media to treat me like a literate adult capable of basic reasoning, but alas

If you pin a tweet for a week and nobody likes it, you have to delete it. That’s the rule

Listen, Britney. You have money and associated social permissions. Get a responsible doctor, a nice car, and a good driver. Don’t traumatize your fellow xennials with another untimely death + all that earnest but parasocial grieving. Outlive the capitalist oppressors who exploit us all for every bop

Guys! GUYS! It's back! It's coming back!!! The single greatest literacy promotion in human history* is coming back! All you 80s and 90s kids know what's up! *(this point may be a little hyperbolic, but just a little) people.com/pizza-huts-b...

Look for my new chapbook, Stonefruit Children, coming soon to a Hobonichi near you

Sorry boss I can’t come in today, my dog is on my feet and if I move she looks sad

All the teams in my 8YO’s softball league are named after natural disasters except the Fireflies so the kids started calling them Global Warming, which was funny until my kid informed me that all the coral reefs are gonna die before she’s 30

The largest school districts in North Carolina are all shutting down for May Day at the request of the teachers' union. 1 million union members in New Jersey are backing a large May Day action. May Day is gonna be HUGE this year w/ strikes in at least 85 cities! paydayreport.com/n-c-largest-...

Do I still have to go to work if there’s a nuclear war though

Ummm does anyone else get 👻 vibes from this suspiciously exact number share.inquirer.com/v5CTup

Mom, come pick me up, the falcon cannot hear the falconer

::shocked Pikachu face:: What?? We might risk losing????? Our credibility???????????? www.nytimes.com/2026/04/07/u...

Senior thesis: “Where’s My Phone” (Mitski, 2026) is thematically identical to “Spiderwebs” (No Doubt, 1995) and both are seminal feminist cries for help

I want a metal cover of “Ode to My Family” by The Cranberries bc that subtext is fuuuuuuuuuuuu

No Kings (Philadelphia)

Mom, can you come pick me up, for I am weary with sorrow and much toil

Spouse took kids to the family-friendly shindig of a former college roommate & I am home alone. THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING with beer, cheese, pickles, apples, jerky. Forget girl dinner; it’s hobbit supper, bitches. What’s a good stand-in for lembas, though?

I want to live in Rivendell and wear a velvet cloak and eat soup by starlight but no, we gotta fuckin bomb Iran

I chatted with Kathy O’Connell live on the air in 1998, and my starstruck daughter called in for the first time in 2022. Guess I’ve entered my crone phase, friends: share.inquirer.com/y7wHMu

Going back to Demon Slayer: Infinity Castle for the fourth(?!) time and you know what?! I really hope someone slays a demon tonight bc it’s 👏 been 👏 a 👏 LONG 👏 goddamn 👏 time

Breakfast of Champions, by Kurt Vonnegut.

The 8yo just told the 3yo she wants to be a cardiologist and the 3yo said “Well I want to be a bus driver” and honestly I think the 3yo might have more ambition? Seems unlikely we’ll have functional public transport at all in 15 years, much less comprehensive street-level non-rail options 😕

Started today by checking myself + deleting a particularly pugnacious Reddit reply. Waiting for the next FIFA peace prize pls

This morning I had a headache and a low-grade fever and my body hurt. A quarter of my class has been out sick in the last week and I suspected I was next. I called in sick, rested, ate a nutritious lunch, and drank a ton of water when I wasn’t sipping tea. Now I’m feeling… better??

“Funding for DHS ran out Feb. 14 …leaving 11 U.S. host cities — including Philadelphia — without federal funds to pay for police overtime, which is what nearly 95% of the security funding will go toward, according to FEMA.”

We could also celebrate anti-racists who don’t dabble in Nazi symbolism, even a little bit, but I guess it’s more profitable to spin shit like this

Trump says Israel can have just a little more genocide, as a treat

Mom, come pick me up, the best lack all conviction and the worst are full of passionate intensity.

Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts

“Back in my day we didn’t teach phonics! We taught the alphabet!” doesn’t make you sound wise, it makes you sound like it’s time for your medication, grandma

is life just a series of days where you're tired in the afternoon and wide awake at night, running behind on weekly deadlines, and seeing pants get slim and big and then slim again over the years until you die?

. @inquirer.com My fourth-graders have been working on independent and dependent clauses. Respectfully: What is this goddamn mess??

I, for one, welcome our new overlords: share.inquirer.com/k5NSm6

First Dawson, now McSteamy. Can someone please check on Jonathan Taylor Thomas?