Best day of my life. Ordered one pack of these and the supermarket delivery brought me four. #corporatecrime ✊🏻 #winning

Hiccups can be a sign of having done bad things too much too quickly. I have hiccups.

Just told my mate that my brother wrote to Jim’ll Fix It asking to play table tennis with Desmond Dekker. Then realised it was Desmond Douglas. My brother got no reply anyway. (Wish he had asked to play table tennis with Desmond Dekker but am mainly glad he didn’t go).

@mrweir.bsky.social is this an older sister that you’ve not told me about?

Me and the kids gripped by the curling final having no idea what’s going on. #Curling #WinterOlympics

Finally. And on his Birthday.

[an olympic skating pair finishes their routine] me: wow that was amazing the commentator: what a shame

I know it’s Robert Duvall but when I saw this I thought it was Tommy Cannon

Love how Matt Weston on #R4Today has just said ‘to succeed at Skeleton, you have to be good at sliding.’ #WinterOlympics

It’s Boxing Valentine’s Day. Time to fry up all the leftover chocolates and flowers and slump in front of the tv.

Professional ice hockey pucks are made of licorice. 🇱🇻 #WinterOlympics

Got a Gold medal in the winter olympics for stabbing all of the burgeoning ice from my freezer with a sharp kitchen knife whilst wearing an oven mitt, in 2 minutes and 4 seconds. 🥇 #WinterOlympics

‘What are microwaves?’ she mumbles to herself, as her lasagne spins.

REALLY enjoying binge watching #TheTraitorsIreland at the moment. Loads of swearing and a very shit Traitor is such fun.

Half term is a magnet, to which I am attracted.

Singing along loudly to ‘Both Ends Burning’ by Roxy Music on the short drive to work certainly sets you up day. 💫 #TopTip

Going for a pub Sunday roast this aft.

The Winter Olympics is so inspiring. Could murder a pizza. #WinterOlympics

Jamie Redknapp. Never knowingly adding anything. #ARSCHE

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever binge-watched ‘Digging For Britain’ on a Sunday afternoon? #diggingforbritain

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz353bs

IDEA: RoboCropper Roy Cropper is horribly injured in an unlikely Breville sandwich toaster accident. Omni Consumer Products rebuild him as a cyborg and he continues serving sandwiches to the people of Weatherfield, his transformation going unnoticed.

Saturday listening: Kim Deal’s ‘Nobody Loves You More’

Was meant to be going to Soho tomorrow for drinks and oysters with friends. One of the friends is ill, so we’ve rescheduled. Am basking in that glorious glow of a cancelled event. (Is there a German word for this?).

Just posted on my street WhatsApp group that Cheryl Cole has been approached to be on the next Celebrity Traitors instead of messaging my daughter.

Pay Day Eve. The most magical time of the year (so far).

Editing my Ocado order to ‘Feel the Need in Me’ by The Detroit Emeralds is a vibe.

Just had a Blue Riband.

Which bloody idiot booked a hair appointment for 9am on a Saturday, then?

These barristers be flopping so hard. #TheTraitors

Took a hard boiled egg for a lovely drive today. Set off nice and early. Just got home together. (Basically daren’t crack it at work for fear of causing offence via the whiff). 🥚

‘Yeah. Sorry I’m late. I’ve been watching how pre-packed sandwiches are made on a production line on Instagram.’

Strength: relaxing Weakness: not relaxing enough

Broke a tooth on a carrot stick today. You try to be healthy and look what happens. It’s a sign.

What a slick mess of nonsense #RunAway is on Netflix. Deary me.

Last week at work in a break I was reading an article about The Cribs and, a couple of hours later, the guy who wrote the article walked in. Might try reading something by Bryan Ferry next week to see what happens. 💫

Haribo Tangfastics for breakfast.

What nobody has realised so far, is that within one of the contestants there’s a secret Claudia. #TheTraitors

just emailed all my colleagues but instead of attaching the correct file with the pertinent details i seem to have sent all twenty of them this image of robin gibb:

Who knew Miss Ellie Ewing was a lesbian? #TheTraitors #Dallas

Actually love my job, but prefer eating trifle for breakfast at 10am and watching old films all day in my pyjamas.

London in the good old days - before everyone's feet pointed forwards.

Watching the new Titanic thing on BBC iPlayer. The very lovely Adam is in it (he’s my cousin’s partner). It’s all done very well and is interestingly using actual detailed written accounts. 🧊🚢

Day 1 of being a totally different person. Cannot wait.

London fireworks be someone shuffled a weird playlist in a chaotic not co-ordinated whatsoever sequence with the splendid visuals. LONDON IS DRUNK. #HappyNewYear

‘Why are you always tired?’ I’ve been alive every day since I was born. It adds up.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year's Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I've been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

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