X: Miss, it’s disgusting in here Me: You know it!!! It’s Capulet- stabbing-Montague weather! Don’t let the heat destroy your friendships!!!

Former coworker walked by me in the hallway and said, “Wow, I can’t believe you’re still just a teacher” Me: “I see you haven’t changed either” No clarifying details were or will be provided!!!

Kobe Bryant (To be fair, I was so high up in the Staples Center that it was jarring to look down)

Picking my mom up to go out to eat with my aunts and cousins. Restaurant is 15 minutes away and we are supposed to meet them in … 13 minutes. What is my mom who has been retired for a decade doing right now? Balancing her checkbook again because she was off by 4 cents. Never change!!!

I get that it’s uncomfortable to have too much AC at work but it’s currently 84 in my room and only going to get worse soooooo [full blown whining]

I ❤️ this grand juror

IT keeping it real

You know who is having a great baseball season? Local restaurants where kids eat free when the Red Sox win

Just got myself kicked out of the neighborhood group chat for not being rabidly opposed to a sober living facility opening nearby

If you want to see me go completely apeshit, sign an email with “thank you in advance”

X: Miss when you are going to finish grading the essays? Me, puzzled: The essays that were due [checks watch] three minutes ago?

Peony!!!

Guess who is bringing photos of their confirmation day to work

Shoutout to the cashier who typed the code for peaches correctly 3x, got 3 error messages, and just screamed I GUESS PEACHES ARE FREE TODAY as she gave up and put them in my cart

To be fair, your flyer could be gorgeous calligraphy and there’s still a solid chance I’d prefer to read on my porch

Bereft to report I can’t finish an absurd Murder, She Wrote movie because the streaming service no longer has the rights to it. Boo!

Having a normal one

Happy national donut day!

My vibe when people act surprised by issues I told them about nine, seven, and five months ago

Update: he got it together and said he will be back tomorrow (he’s only with me in the morning)

“The only thing worth writing about is the human heart in conflict with itself” — William Faulkner

My new student teacher already looks like he is going to cry; asking the universe for good vibes

Said “it’s none of my business whether you like me or not, but you will not speak to me like that” to another adult about 7 hours ago and could still probably flip a car

“Mr. So and so told his class this a chill week; they are just playing Uno!!!” Me: Mr So and so sounds independently wealthy, but I require this paycheck to live so we will be doing work!

In an exciting development, I just knocked over my tea but managed not to get it on any papers or scream OH SHIT!!!

Universe, give me the strength to get through a day of standardized testing in June

If you can ignore a check engine light you can ignore a heart under the floorboard

Watching Murder on the Orient Express and screaming “They did it!!!” every time anyone other than Poirot appears onscreen

Was listening to a podcast about how various presidents have tried to combat inflation & when they got to Nixon, obvs Watergate came up. A woman interviewed on the street said incredulously, “If you can’t trust the President, who can you trust?” And all I could think of was never feeling that way

Update: going for a walk did help improve my mood!

Dear self, you were reading the Reddit thread about volunteering at the library, remember? You need to close out of “posts by people with elderly relatives in the U.S. who died by sui**** after medical debt took their home and savings” before you start spiraling again, ok? Maybe go for a walk?

What’s that, you say

I feel bad for all of the kids having graduations and parties today (It’s in the 40’s, raining, and the wind is whipping trash barrels into the streets. Waiting for Dorothy and Toto to get flung past my front window)

You know the vibes

If you hate typos, I am not for you - today (or any other day, really!)

Why I got 3.5 hours of sleep last night 1. drank a cold brew at noon because I’m a fool 2. thinking about how much AI sucks and has made me job worse 3. worrying about a friend whose teen kid is Really Going Through It 4. started to pay attention to the boring book podcast ep about sewing machines

In his keynote speech to Harvard graduates this week, @thedailyshow.com host Ronny Chieng said "Fuck AI!" Turns out you can talk about AI in a grad speech and not get booed. Watch our episode on these AI grad speeches: www.youtube.com/watch?v=VE0E...

Where I get it

Got into another fight about using AI and ended up shouting, “Talk to the people in [specific neighborhood nearby that has a data center] about how the noise affects their sleep, how their water bills have gone up, and how their health problems are exacerbated!!!”

If a kid is out for medical reasons and you are putting zeroes in for missing assignments … what is wrong with you

I laughed out loud!

I submit to you, photocopier, that I would also like to break down

There is something to radical acceptance! I got up at 7 on Sunday, went for a walk before it rained, & ate breakfast before my disorganized in-laws even thought about breakfast. So I didn’t lose my shit when they tried & failed (twice!) to get TEN people seated during a rainy holiday weekend!!!

I’m sorry who approved this sign

I don’t foresee this happening again, but the future has surprised me before!!!

J: Guess who didn’t take the tissues out of her hiking pants before starting the washing machine?! Me, breezily: Couldn’t be me; I’m perfect [walks out of the room quickly, trips, and screams obscenities] Us: HAHAHAHA

If you think I didn’t have to do a unit on this bullshit, please know that I did. If you think a kid didn’t ask me, “Wait, do you really believe this bullshit?” and I didn’t reply, “As much as I do alchemy, honey, “ I can neither confirm nor deny that

J just asked his mom, “How’s your aggressiveness? Passive?” and I laughed very loudly

Not what you’d typically feel on Cape Cod at the end of May!!!

J won!!!