“I've ended friendships with women for switching to natural deodorant; for forgetting to eat lunch and getting too hungry to make a prompt decision about where to get dinner; for taking me to a local production of The Nutcracker out on Long Island and saying afterwards, ‘Wasn't that terrific?’”

My own mother had a very strained relationship with her mother. In retaliation, I had a conspicuously easy and cheerful relationship with my mother’s mother. See how easy this woman is to get along with? Why don’t you do it like this?

Once, when I was straining to replace the big wall calendar by the elevator bank: “Look at him, with his long arms!” Once, carrying two grocery bags from the car into the lobby (each bag containing only a single grocery): “So strong!” www.thechatner.com/p/people-wil...

been rewatching Mikey and Nicky and the thing that's so good is you start out thinking Peter Falk is going to "be the reasonable one" and then 15 minutes in he’s strangling a diner owner for refusing to sell him half-and-half bc Cassavettes medically needs to drink cream

if you pre-order my next book, Meeting New People, from Barnes & Noble this week you can do so at a 25% discount. If you don't, nothing about your life will change, so you're pretty set either way www.barnesandnoble.com/w/meeting-ne...

if you pre-order my next book, Meeting New People, from Barnes & Noble this week you can do so at a 25% discount. If you don't, nothing about your life will change, so you're pretty set either way www.barnesandnoble.com/w/meeting-ne...

wrote about Marty (1955, not Supreme) and Ernest Borgnine's astonishing face. He was born to play the Spirit of Christmas Present. He looks like if Edward G. Robinson had been filled with joie de vivre. www.thechatner.com/p/on-marty-e...

wrote about Marty (1955, not Supreme) and Ernest Borgnine's astonishing face. He was born to play the Spirit of Christmas Present. He looks like if Edward G. Robinson had been filled with joie de vivre. www.thechatner.com/p/on-marty-e...

in 2008 or 09 I got married after an evening of escalating dares to a friend of a friend, just like my hero at the time, GOB from Arrested Development

second part of my chat with Ella Baker about our time at Christian college together! we covered my secret joke wedding in 2009 and coming out to your family on Father's Day vs. Thanksgiving: www.thechatner.com/p/being-tran...

"So I arrived already ashamed of myself and full of anger and contempt for everyone else. And I couldn’t even longboard."

had a lovely long chat with Ella Baker, one of the handful of people I went to evangelical Christian college with in LA back in 2005 who also later transitioned www.thechatner.com/p/trans-at-t...

between Walter Matthau’s face and Walter Matthau’s hair there is a gap of staggering antiquity….

Elaine May’s A New Leaf is a perfect movie about getting erectile dysfunction about killing your wife: open.substack.com/pub/dmlavery...

“the broccoli of lesbianism versus the bread pudding of fake faggotry” open.substack.com/pub/dmlavery...

the cuck chair, the goon cave, the fujoshi futon; the most comfortable seat for spoiled desire!

"Gooning and fujoing out are both about losing yourself in an obsession with something you can’t have. The porn stars, the beautiful gay guys. And it’s not a drawback that they can’t have it. It’s the point." open.substack.com/pub/dmlavery...

if I could give my younger self any advice it would be to take my time starting to save for retirement. everyone tells you to start early. that's a lot of pressure. wait until you're ready

For all Cassius’ reputation for being a conniving, subtle, behind-the-scenes manipulator, his number-one go-to strategy for trying to get people on side is to mention how willing he is to die right now www.thechatner.com/p/cassius-on...

Outside of screening for behavior I consider appropriate, my attitude toward chasers is like the one Francis Walsingham attributed to Elizabeth I on religion: “Her Majesty [does not like to] make Windows into Mens hearts and secret thoughts.” www.thechatner.com/p/on-sleepin...

Advice for Everyone Do your best not to lie, within reason. When you are caught in a lie, admit to it instantly, and if possible, cheerfully. In this way you will still be able to maintain a reputation for honesty open.substack.com/pub/dmlavery...

the Sad Butler Movie Index is up open.substack.com/pub/dmlavery...

“My desire for friendship is not exclusive, but it is often possessive.” open.substack.com/pub/dmlavery...

“My desire for friendship is not exclusive, but it is often possessive.” open.substack.com/pub/dmlavery...

“Have you still got those green pills I gave you?” “We mustn't worry him with technical talk. The worst thing for this sort of case is discussion.” “There’s nothing wrong with you. If you need a prescription, I’ll go so far as to say you ought to be married.” www.thechatner.com/p/signs-your...

you would not believe how often the titular butch in lesbian pulp classic "Beebo Brinker" drinks a glass of milk defiantly at someone www.thechatner.com/p/everything...

"To hear someone call out “On your left” with no hope of friendly eye contact, to have to leap out of the way lest they jangle their hateful little bell at you — without those little courtesies, I become an animal. I would happily kill and kill again." www.thechatner.com/p/they-got-m...

A green dog over a tree. A yellow dog under a tree. John 1:48: “Jesus answered and said to him, ‘Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.” www.thechatner.com/p/a-biblical...

[offended] From time to time I may be at his beck. But I certainly am not at his call

nonfiction titles today: First Things: Why The Morning Ends (And Why It Doesn’t Have To) Pasta Fabulous 1927: The Year Before 1928 What Costco Can Teach Us About China, and What China Can Teach Us About Strategy www.thechatner.com/p/what-every...

nonfiction titles today: First Things: Why The Morning Ends (And Why It Doesn’t Have To) Pasta Fabulous 1927: The Year Before 1928 What Costco Can Teach Us About China, and What China Can Teach Us About Strategy www.thechatner.com/p/what-every...

you are under no obligation to believe this, but the movie playing in the lounge for transgender night at the gay bathhouse this weekend was harry potter and the chamber of secrets. incredible move

"Who would have thought that beneath that rather Charlotte Brontë exterior, there was actually a Charlotte Brontë interior, full of meek pride, hopeless hope, and timid determination?" www.thechatner.com/p/the-best-l...

the baby experienced the full spectrum of baby feelings today: joy, curiosity, gentleness, destruction, chicken, not allowed to touch guitar, weeping, laughing, leg stuck in crib, bath time, fear of Santa, throwing almonds in car, realizing he can hit me with a tennis racket, yelling at bedtime

“That’s a new silver fox! It’s stunning.” “Thank you.” “It must have been pretty expensive.” “It was.” "The Shop Around The Corner" Without Any Christmas or Romance Is Still A Pretty Good Movie About Luggage Inventory www.thechatner.com/p/the-shop-a...

one of the many upsides of sleeping with much older men is they often text "copy that" when confirming the time of an assignation

because I like consistency and reasonable quality and shared taste; I like a well-made shoe and a twelve-dollar sandwich and driving a safe, popular car, I have made a list of books that will never change your life. They are all reasonably good: open.substack.com/pub/dmlavery...

"Do you like my hat?" and "There is no democracy in any love relation: only mercy." Love's Work in Go, Dog, Go www.thechatner.com/p/loves-work...

“Potatoes matter to me. It’s important to treat them with respect. People matter to me too, but I think it’s better to focus on one thing at a time, rather than splitting your attention across everything you care about.” Meeting New People comes out June 2nd open.substack.com/pub/dmlavery...

No :) I don’t need to do that right now :) I’ll remember it I'll remember it because it's important :) www.thechatner.com/p/what-it-fe...

book PR scam copy has gotten just better enough in the last year that it drives me insane. I can't handle the extra five seconds of sleuthing before sending to spam! www.thechatner.com/p/the-worst-...

It will not surprise you to learn that our nineteen-month-old has a charming and idiosyncratic way of saying the phrase “basketball hoop”: he says “Ba-ka-baa hoo.” He says it often and with great conviction. www.thechatner.com/p/everything...

"Every five years between 1977-1989 and 1998-2015 sees a new Sorcerer sequel set in a different country with a different method of freight handling. This includes the movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles"

-Different kind of “shipping wars” -Roy Scheider is nominated for a record-breaking 36 Emmys for his performance on NBC’s seaQuest DSV, beating Alan Alda’s run on M*A*S*H www.thechatner.com/p/life-in-th...

every year, for the last six years, I get about halfway through November thinking “wow, I’ve made it through November, the month everyone in my family revealead themselves to be part of a sinister pedophile-protecting cabal, without going insane at all this time”

tonight at 6pm at the Pegasus Books on Shattuck in Berkeley is the one and only reading I’m doing for the second Women’s Hotel book. come by!

so excited to be in convo with my brother Danny!!

"Five days a week, should I particularly wish it, I might eat a hot lunch with gravy at no cost to myself, and without lifting a finger to prepare it." www.thechatner.com/p/fielding-q...

I'm only doing one stop on the book tour for Christmas at the Women's Hotel -- this Monday at Pegasus Books in Berkeley with @soleilho.com. Don't miss it! pegasusbookstore.com/event/2025-1...

rescuing gooners from themselves: dazed, blue-eyed, limpid, wearing hospital gowns, ready for rehab