This aged like a fine milk… escinsight.com/2026/01/31/w...

WTF is a telephone? #melfest

We’re still trying to forget that. #melfest

There’s too much maths in this song. #melfest

Did they get a bulk-buy discount on the earrings? #melfest

Here for the safety rails. #melfest

A*forties more like. #melfest

Did they need a stage the size of a football pitch? #melfest

Well that was audible. #melfest

They managed to run out of lyrics for this?!? #melfest

BBC have him on speed dial. #melfest

Fun fact - Junior Lerin was the Swedish Finance Minister until 2023. #melfest

It‘s no Effortless is it? #melfest

Things you can do with a giant quaver. #melfest

Someone’s been rifling the Benny and Bjorn’s reject box. #melfest

Which half? #melfest

In-depth interview this. #melfest

Two mins in and already on my fifth seizure. #melfest

Ayn Rand died in 1982, meaning it’s possible she saw the film “Herbie Goes Bananas.” Makes you think.

Opening words of the King John Ladybird book.

As the end of January approaches we’re reminded once again to do our tax returns. Hope Nadhim Zahawi doesn’t forget, again.

Boyzone planning to sell less tickects after tonight.

Oh god, a key-change

Boy,Dad,Grandad,Drunk Uncle-zone.

Music selection by comittee

48 and a head full of hair… #RonanKeating

I see everyone's forgotten the live performance - finally. #ESC250

And now my favourite train-themed Moldovan Eurovision song. #ESC250

Circus Mircus?! #ESC250

Was waiting for this to do better than Framling. #ESC250

Did Sweden suddenly get connected to the internet? #ESC250

Ah the "piped through the local toilets" remix #ESC250

"if" doing a lot of heavy lifting here. #ESC250

Thank god Sweden havne't been in the contest for 200 years or we could be here a while. #ESC250

Sweden by numbers. #ESC250

Too late? Not even midday yet. #EC250

I've seen dirtier. #ESC250

Glad she cchanged her bed covers anyway. #ESC250

People bothered voting for this? #ESC250

Ah my favourite train-themed Italian Eurovision song. #ESC250

Should I ask my dentist to stop wearing sandals? I was shunned by a horse in Chepstow. Why do workmen refuse my offers of tea? Compression socks give me eczema. I blocked the pub toilet. Now my dog barks when I say Dundee. 3/3

RIP

My choice of Christmas wine comes with serving instructions… doesn’t mention glasses mind.

Kick a bastard out of your family, urges King in Christmas address buff.ly/FenKnRY

Can confirm - 100% AI

SUITCASES!

One last failure

In just a few hours Dick Van Dyke will be 100 years old. Dick Van Dyke! 100! Here he is chatting with Sid James (filming Carry On Up The Khyber) on the Chitty Bang Bang backlot.

Why do some people think it so impossible they’ve got the wrong number? I get occasional calls for someone at Guys ”No - you haven’t received a call from this number” “No - you do not want me operating on you” “As I told you last week you have the wrong number”

Cool down goldfish bowl. #Formula1