finally my calculator can play blackjack

I’m actually haunted by the ghost of Ty Cobb and all he does is call me old timey slurs and bitches about bunting techniques

shadows

Treating myself to a greasy disgusting dinner that will make me feel like crap

say it say taser laser

Hooray Hooray One Dr. Zoggle post a day

St. Louis people just like 'there was a nuclear exchange?'

we're cranking the thermostat to 98°, pouring vaseline everywhere and we're going to snail the fuck out, you should come over

Yeah, I’m Ra the Sun God but I don’t like to brag

Long day today and a busy morning tomorrow It will be worth it tomorrow afternoon when I’m finally done with everything and I can make delicious pitas and watch og iron chef episodes

You’re goddamn right they are! Fuck you!!!

Subject: Steve the Cat Status: Sleepy guy

My HP is low because I keep eating poison ☠️

(Robert Plant singing) mayyyOoOoO

when I die, bury me with all the memes I stole back in 2015

Next time on Star Trek: The Next Generation La Forge installs AI improvements to the holodeck, causing massive cascading failures on all major ship systems. Meanwhile, Worf struggles to understand Arbor Day

if they say take me to your leader, just bring them to me

I conquered the dishes, no mere cleaning was involved in that ordeal

Hollywood the Cat seems concerned about my breakfast choices

a meeting of minds this morning

toot toot

this guy says I’m a-ok

I never get songs stuck in my head I get 10 seconds of a chorus for a song stuck in my head on endless repeat

oh sorry your majesty, I didn’t realize hummus cups aren’t actual candy and I’m the monster

It’s time

someone heard the heated blanket was taken out of the closet

Over the past month or so it seems everyone is becoming more and more obsessed with the macabre

I hate when my food is hot when I’m in a hurry its like cmon cool off you bastard

Steve the Cat is 👻

I consider my worst performance Desperately Seeking Susan, I was just terrible in it

now Sweet Potato is a basket case

I can't get it to leave, it's eaten 5 bags of lettuce

!!

Steve the Cat is 🍎

one eggplant ketchup blizzard please

People keep asking why there's so much Aerosmith on my Halloween playlist. It's because I'm terrified of Steven Tyler

*crumchcrumchcrumch*

I miss when I was in the band Dokken, they’d be all like ”hey, let’s play dream warriors“ and I would go no that shit sucks and they didn’t let me go on tour anymore

I bet Mario smells like shit

I’m on drugs

My hot sauce of choice is too spicy for my father, essentially I have bested him in single combat

I like when artists are like mic check because I know they are serious about their audio equipment

yeah I’ve seen it all, even saw a hobo babe hump a slobo

Does anyone wanna drink beers and talk shit behind a gas station. In 1997

I actually have two souls because of a mix up