Threads is absolutely great for engagement - posting jokes over there, getting hundreds, thousands of likes- it's great. But on average I have to block two or three Deliberate Joke Misunderstanders every single day.

The Winter Olympics should have all the same events as the Summer Olympics - sprinting, judo, weightlifting. Make them do that shit in the snow.

The Winter Olympics are Tory-coded. I will not be taking questions.

I work remotely for a US company - one of the Americans has suggested that on our weekly call we each name one small thing that brings us joy. I feel this is culturally insensitive to the British.

Please sign my petition to start an Autumn Olympics where all events empty into a pile of delightful leaves and whatnot.

I don't understand how there's any more rain left in the sky - surely it's all on the ground by now?

Got the inlaw's dog for a couple of weeks while they've gone somewhere warm. Local park is an absolute swamp. Every walk is like the Somme. FML.

Five years from now my mortgage will be paid off, my kids will have finished school, and I am planning to go absolutely fucking feral.

Yourself but as a cartoon.

13yo son and his friends were talking about how to make mix-tapes on old c90 cassettes. Asked if it's some retro thing kids are into these days. Nope, they've just figured out old-school Walkmans don't break the school's policy on personal devices, so they can listen to music at break-time.

I'm not enjoying this but I'm going to make it through to the end just so I can write snarky social media posts about it.

My wife calls this a Banana House, I think it's Banana-Armour. Who is correct?

2032: from a bunker beneath the smouldering ruins of London, PM Nigel Farage blames woke vaccines for the UK's collapse; announces he's leaving Reform to launch the Rebuild Party with Boris, Truss, and Grok AI. The starving, diseased population of England enthusiastically votes for him again.

I wanted to treat myself to a new motorcycle for my 50th a couple of years ago, but first I had to pay for a bunch of Big Family Expenses before it was politically acceptable to spend money on myself. Finally managed to buy the thing a couple of weeks ago and the rain has been relentless since then.

I have a google doc where I dump all my half-formed ideas for new bits, planning to go back and flesh them out into fully formed jokes. But I'm lazy so I never do, and only ever use bits that come to me fully formed, then work them out on stage. The ideas doc is currently running at 24,000 words...

A little throwaway topical bit from last night at The Comedy Centre in Isleworth.

I've been off caffeine for a week and I regret to inform you that I feel much better.

My half baked theory is that he's trying his best to crash the global economy so that him and his handlers can buy up a bucketload of cheap distressed assets with all the cash they've grifted so far, then sit back and wait for recovery.

Son gave me Max Hasting's "All Hell Let Loose" for xmas - an account of WW2 through the eyes of ordinary people around the world. Halfway through the first chapter, on the invasion of Poland, and holy shit, the language, the tactics, the bullshit they used to justify it, all sounds so familiar.

I posted on reddit asking for help dealing with my tendency to get stressed out about everything all the fucking time, you know, looking for some natural remedies or breathing exercises or whatever, and about 200 people told me I have ADHD.

I'm doing standup in a South London community center with Asian Zorro. How's your night going?

Gig promoter asked for my stage name, used my real name on the gig flyer, spelled it completely wrong. Haven't got the heart to tell them.

The entire American economy is held up by a handful of AI focused stocks - but in the UK we're entirely dependent on Warhammer 40k:

First gig of the year in South London - even though I apparently didn't merit a mention on the flyer: facebook.com/events/s/bri...

Really fun times to be working for a company that has a lot of Scandi and American employees.

Post your favourite Star Trek character, wrong answers only

Really not enjoying all the self-awareness that suddenly showed up during middle age.

Do the Germans have a compound word which describes the disappointment felt when you go to do Wordle but forgot that you already did it when you were awake for a while at 3am?

Got fed up of beard maintenance so shaved it right back. Suddenly remembered why I grew a beard in the first place.

It kills me that my kids will come of age into this world and it'll just be their normality.

Just watching YouTube clips of the Friends episode where Monica dresses as a cat for halloween over and over until I die.

Got given some amazon vouchers as a reward for being too lazy to change jobs for 10 years. No cash alternative, the stated purpose was to treat myself to something nice. Bought myself something nice. Feel deeply guilty about buying myself something nice. I hate my mind.

What's mental to me is that when I talk about stuff that's actually happening in the world, as reported by reputable news sources, my friends who Aren't Into Politics, look at me like I'm a chronically online conspiracy nut.

Logging on

How are you even supposed to pronounce veganuary? So that it rhymes with January (VeGANuary) so that it rhymes with vegan (Veghunuary)?

And we're all supposed to crack on with work like normal, as though the world isn't collapsing into a dystopian nightmare? Well ok then.

Everybody on The Traitors: "I've been an assistant warehouse manager for 15 years so I think I'm going to be really good at playing mind games."

Think I'll just stay inside and play video games this year. Have a good one everybody!

Wife just bollocked 11yo son for using a sneaky workaround for the daily screentime limit we put on his phone. Secretly proud of him - his big brothers are hopeless with tech and would never have managed to figure out something like that.

Well, 2025 was definitely one of the years of my life.

Just spent a couple of hours cleaning 15 year's worth of greasy filth from the top of our kitchen cabinets. This has been my biggest achievement of 2025.

25 years ago I was waiting in the Old Red Lion in Angel, and Irvine Welsh was sat at the table next to me. Wanted to tell him I read Trainspotting in a grotty council flat in Stockport, and it meant a lot to see people from the underclass as main characters in fiction. But I left him to his pint.

Could it possibly because of the absolute fucking state of everything?

As an awkward teenager burdened with a weird name in the early nineties, I was absolutely delighted that the only Lance in British popular culture was that character.

Had to do a solo round trip Up North yesterday. On the drive up I binged The Rest is History's Nelson series, and on the way back I got through the first half of @aptshadow.bsky.social's Shroud audiobook. Never been so happy sitting in traffic on the M6.

I hate boardgames so much.

Local Sainsbury's has hired in extra trolleys for the busy season. These are so much nicer than their regular ones. Smooth rolling, precise steering, good hand-grip, and reduced fatigue. A real Xmas treat.

Today's eBay arrival: I was never really into Jane's Addiction but a few of my mates were - and news of the band's split last week sent me down a rabbit hole.

Wife just told me I've put on too much muscle recently and I am DELIGHTED about that.

A Lord of the Rings cover band called the Rohirrim Stones.