BREAKING: This walking eagle’s gonna fly

@theeagleist.bsky.social strikes again!

Canada urges Palestine to reject terrorism, instead focus on selling weapons to other countries, or allow mining companies to wreak havoc on other nations

BREAKING: Treat Palestinians like human beings or we'll treat Palestinians like a nation, UK warns Israel

BREAKING: at least we still have reconciliation

yeah but elbows up tho

Nearly 900,0000 First Nations people from over 600 communities across country somehow can’t agree on pipelines, media reports

BREAKING: Carney to meet with First Nations Chiefs, talk about stuff idk

Update: Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was...

BREAKING: For some, this is the part in Animal Farm where you can’t tell who’s a farmer and who’s a pig

BREAKING: fuck...

Read this aloud to my partner, who asked - is that @theeagleist.bsky.social ?

yeah but elbows up tho

You can fit so much reconciliation in those bills....

News Eaglets: the family of Ashley Murdock is raising funds for a proper headstone and to help them move to a safer area—every donation makes a difference. If you can, please click the link below to donate or share it with others who might want to help. gofund.me/06ab8d2e

UPDATE: Fuck ICE, Fuck Trump, Fuck Doug Ford, Fuck Bill 5, and fuck anyone celebrating this shit

"If they didn't want to be brutalized by police, they should've stayed home and accepted injustice quietly," nation's assholes explain

Just popping in to say fuck ICE

News Eaglets: We know we've been quiet lately and we apologize. We've decided to pause Walking Eagle News for around a month while we finish another project - but fear not, we'll be back. Miigwetch for all your support. See you soon! Tim Fontaine Editor-in-Grand-Chief

at least we still have reconciliation

Reconcili-Action: Ottawa speeding up process for siding with industry, trampling Indigenous rights

Visit by embodiment of colonialism really sticking it to Trump, smug Canadians say

Amid the massacre at Fahmi Al-Jarjawi School, a child was seen desperately attempting to escape, pushing through the flames.

BREAKING: Fans of colonialism exuberant as King, Queen arrive in Canada

'Oh darling, let's take one home' delighted Queen Camilla tells King Charles after spotting First Nations person

"The bears made the announcement at the falls behind Bostrom’s Store. Or as the bears call it, ‘home.’"

“Yeah, no, we’re not f—ing around anymore,” said Makwa, a 375-lb female black bear who serves as spokesbear for bearkind. “I just mauled the same guy three times this past weekend.”

"Damn America and their tariffs," say Canadian grocery chains, dramatically slamming fists on desks as they raise food prices

Analysis: It’s almost as if they’re all full of shit. Or something.

A note from our Editor-in-Grand-Chief: We signed up for Substack when we didn’t know whether we’d start up our website and socials or not, now we have, and people keep subscribing to our Substack and nothing’s happening there. We feel shame.

In new Holy See news:

BREAKING: Fuck yeah

White smoke has emerged, signalling new pope has systematically eliminated all challengers in hand-to-hand combat

RCMP have broken up an illegal MOU fighting ring operating in Ottawa and arrested dozens.

NEWS BRIEF: ‘Oh, what are they complaining about now?’ asks man who tried to overthrow country because he had to wear a mask in coffee shop

Update: We don’t give a flying fuck why white people want the king here. Honour the fucking treaties.

“His royal highness is gonna read it extra colonial-y too,” an excited spokesperson told reporters.

BREAKING: Holy fucking display of colonialism

Trump: Russia Must Be Allowed To Keep Fighting As Part Of Any Ceasefire Deal

Virgil Dunham is giving so generously that our fully beaded 10-gallon hat can now wear its own beaded 5-gallon hat.

Miigwetch to Steve Murray for giving so danged much on Patreon that we can finally launch Reconciliation: The Musical!

“As our people often say, the longer the acronym, the better.”

BREAKING: Just don't hurt mah mules....

“also, racism is over. our rigorous, expert, peer-reviewed researchers have discovered that racism is allergic to elbows. you're welcome,” added the jubilant liberal voters.

Originally from Europe, Vlad the Reconciler came to the eastern part of what is now North America in 1535.

‘At least Carney’s not Polievre, or Trump’ say Liberal voters, lowering bar to new levels

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE NORTHLANDS 😆

anyways

Mark Carney named Canada's Next Top Colonizer

This call strikes me as less premature than CTV's.