When customers say it’s their first time I am helpful

This is what being a waiter in Beverly Hills feels like

Not me being needled about why I voted the way I did from someone who I then asked how they voted and they went silent for a beat and sighed and said “it’s too much to research I’m just gonna do the general” good lord babe cultivate some values or look up a voter guide at least idk what to tell you

I was so close to a Sunday midday spiral but Safiya Nygaard just dropped a new “melting a bunch of bullshit together” video on youtube so I’m gonna be ok for at least another 37 minutes plus ad breaks

You know what in hindsight I may have put a little too much pressure on this jumbo slice of carrot cake to “make it all better”

A customer asked me “hey do I know you from tiktok” after I’d just come back from crying on my lunch break

Idk I feel like I have more to offer on threads tbh but thanks for having me Bluesky and I’ll keep coming back

If you want me to stay I will stay

I am your waiter first and a human second

I love and support the indecisive guest

I’ve never felt more in touch with my “divine feminine” than when I’m trying to describe the weird noise my car is making to the mechanic at pep boys

Me: I think I’m feeling financially safe enough to treat myself to some cute new clothes Car/cat/immune system/teeth: Lol, lmao

“I normally never complain or send food back BUT” ma’am say less it is an honor to be part of this once-in-a-lifetime event ✨

I’m having endless spaghetti dinners with innumerable celibates like me, discussing beginner-friendly dance classes you’ve never even heard of

Customer: well what do YOU order here Me: ma’am my dinner was a bag of cheetos I ate next to the dumpster

AI will never replace me! Good luck trying! When your AI waitress accidentally pours wine from your $500 bottle into your lap she won’t even cry like I did tonight!! She’ll never love you like me!!

They should make a sequel to Twister

I just got hired as an overnight mortuary assistant!! I was worried I didn’t have enough experience but all they asked was if I had a tenuous relationship with alcohol and a weak support system and they just started handing me needles and knives… Excited to start tonight :)))

I haven’t vaped in over four months and that’s pretty decent considering *gestures wildly all around*

This is what it feels like all the time now

(Me on a date) so I recently learned that not having a strong support system in my adult life is directly connected to complex trauma and that my tendency to isolate is because it is predictable and safe… would you like to touch my boobs

Just completed 72 hours without my vape. I have allegedly done significantly harder things than quit vaping but I have amnesia about all that stuff. So embarrassing. Googoo gaga I miss my binky. Blessings.

Just found out it’s bad luck to blow out an incense stick, you’re supposed to swirl it. This explains everything. I have to call my lawyer.

Customers love my whimsical sense of humor

I handle all customer complaints with grace and humility

I have been raptured! I am writing this from heaven! They gave me a phone bc I got bored and started chewing on the halos

Hello yes this is my friend Chelsea Pope, and she’s fucking hilarious :) If you’re looking for a little joy in your life….. hard recommend

Once again sending love to my nerds especially @chelseathepope.bsky.social

I went to a psychic yesterday & she kept asking me who Michael was & I couldn’t think of any Michaels in my life so I just pretended I dated one & she told me Michael passed a demon onto me & offered me a cleansing for $1k & asked me if I had a bathtub anyway good morning ☀️

I’m watching videos of hedgehogs you’ve never seen, floating in bubble baths you could not possibly comprehend

I love being a waiter. One of my coworkers had us draw straws to decide who would get to be cut early tonight. Real straws. Incredible. I won too. I will carry around the little piece of straw for the next year and see what else happens

Based on real events

We love @chelseathepope.bsky.social in this house

I just feel like this is the perfect crowd for my hilarious and wonderful friend @chelseathepope.bsky.social

Sorry for crying earlier. I underestimated how much a walk to get a coffee and a pastry would improve my mental health. Sorry in advance for tomorrow too.

“Don’t worry about missing work ok you’re sick just try to take it easy” haha no. I am an hourly employee. When I try to close my eyes I see dollar bills on fire

I’m still not convinced my studio apartment isn’t haunted even tho I’ve been here 13 yrs and nothing’s happened, like I think they’ve just been going easy on me waiting for me to get financially and mentally secure to finally do their thing. Gonna have to wait longer tho haha

Old guy passed me earlier today while I was wearing a mask outside in Los Feliz and said “happy halloween” but you know what ppl are just out here finding the fun

@chelseathepope.bsky.social three years and one day ago

Being sober on thanksgiving was mostly great I only worried about the wine getting lonely a little

Gladiator 2 was ok but I cheered the loudest when the guy sitting in front of me scrolling his phone the whole movie got confirmation that the couch he was looking at on fb marketplace was still available

I know I never post here but I got 100 days sober yesterday and treated myself to a discount sundress and fancy coffee and I’m telling everybody!! Thank you!!🤗

I am mediocre and spend most of my time alone I’m so happy to be here. This feels right. Thank you