The competition is cooked . Hes got the Bodega cat vote

The incredible fall from grace in such a short time

The New York Post saying all of Penn State wore Kirk’s shirt but it’s the “white out” game and these 2 were the only ones smdh

If “this could’ve been a misogynistic email” was a person

“This is the Candiru (Vandellia cirrhosa). It is a small, parasitic catfish found in the Amazon River. It is attracted to urine and can swim up the urethra, where it may embed itself in the tissue Hi I’m Mr Beast and…”

Rewatching Silence of the Lambs. Why’d they give Hannibal Lecter a Bon Appetit magazine in his cell lol

Groypers had a rough Friday on 4chan

My parents asked if I wanted to go on a cruise with them and we share a cabin to save money and my mom said “don’t worry we won’t have sex” and I immediately asked if they have a therapist onboard

Sorry babe I’m in Conclave sounds like a much better excuse for not leaving my house than I don’t want to

Trump reopening Alcatraz because a movie was on. Also, he’s announced a massive search for Curlys Gold because Billy Crystal told him to from the picture box

I have an acquaintance that doesn’t follow politics because it’s “stupid” and he very loudly & selfishly has said “most of this stuff doesn’t affect me so I’ll worry when it does” He was just declared dead by Social Security and all his accounts are frozen. I guess you should start to worry bud!

People are like, let’s hear what Jim Jones has to say about kool-aid. His presence will make Bluesky stronger

Conservatives who screamed that tariffs are awesome, after getting kicked in the nuts by Trump *again*, will now whiplash their way into saying it’s a good thing they were paused and trump has shown great restraint. It will hurt to watch

Mike White of White Lotus created his own paradise. Lemme shoot a show in a different obscenely beautiful location every year, pay all actors the same wage so no prima donnas, and make millions while doing so. King shit

I wish non-gamers could feel how delicious this is. For decades musk has proclaimed he’s a god tier gamer (last year he was listed as a top 5 Diablo player). We discovered he pays people to play for him (pathetic). Now the gaming community has turned on him and he’s lost more than a hobby. Delicious

America [waving gun around]: Ahahahah. Ahahaha. What are you scared? America’s friends: Just chill out! You’re acting crazy right now. America’s kids: [Ugly sobs] America: Look at you all freaking out for nothing. [Puts gun to head.] You all are so stupid. It isn’t even lo …

My parents are retirees and have lost 12% of their money this past week. They worked their whole lives for that and it’s disappearing Anyone who says it’s good the market is crashing because the Wall Street guys will feel the pain can fuck right off. It’s not a fucking game So yeah fuck right off

My aunt owns a restaurant in Taiwan and this was the first course she made for us

My parents packed emergency crushed red pepper for our trip

Imagine having a whole day where everyone worldwide shows up to say how much they hate you. If reports are true that Elon needed an intervention after getting booed on Chappelles stage, theres not enough K in the world to help him now

The older you get the more you use the phrase lumbar support

Stephen Hawking wrote a thesis describing the correlation between how bonkers an Ancient Aliens Episode will be and the height of Giorgio A.Tsoukalos’ hair. This episode is obviously a doozie

I’m flying today and concur. If I die splash my face all over social. I want women sobbing and little children saluting my ambulance like JFK Jr saluting his dad

Wu Tang: bring the motherfucking ruckus Marco Rubio: hold on

I keep saying this. Outside of the sickness, there’s something really corny or cheesy about conservative male culture in this country. For some reason “freedom seeds” reminds me of the grown man who destroyed the Barbie house he won in the raffle. Of Kid Rock shooting Bud Light cans.

"We are currently clean on OPSEC"

“We are currently clean on OPSEC” I say on social as I tag the bank me and the boys are gonna rob

Save your time writing things like “if they had any courage or morals they’d…”

Conservatives, screaming: Gay people shouldnt exist! We need to delete minority history and accomplishments! Diversity is a plague! Empathy is a sin! Also conservatives: why do people hate me?? 😩

Cybertruck has had a recall 8 times in 2 years. Thats every 3 months. Once a season you have to take your shiny badge of dumbassery to the dealer to prevent it from blowing up like a Roadrunner and Coyote ACME rocket

As March Madness starts it’s a good reminder to let people enjoy their “sportsball”. Let people have hobbies. We don’t mock you for writing sasquatch porn fic or whatever

Evergreen

Whole Foods in Williamsburg completely out of eggs

Pretty soon a humans age will be gauged by how many movies and reboots they’ve lived through. I for example, am three Willy Wonkas years old. Or two Lost Boys and 2 Salems Lots if you will.

The disease is that conservatives and misogynists offer the easiest path. Blame others, blame women, blame everyone for your lot in life. It attracts lazy humans. Progressives telling you to empathize with others sounds like scolding comparatively

if you replaced these guys' inboxes with a woman sportswriter's, they'd commit suicide by lunchtime

Trump thinks stealth jets are invisible like Wonder Woman’s plane so of course someone on social says he’s smart

Gentlemen, it’s Women’s History Month, so maybe take the initiative and explain what that is.

Adrian Brody’s agent: hey I have a new project, I haven’t read the script but the title has i-s-t in it. AB: say no more

Roses are Red Things will only get tougher As Nietzche said To love is to suffer

“The light poles are greased” over the scanner is the Philly equivalent of white smoke from the Vatican

When I say we deserve what we’re getting I don’t mean it as a punishment, I mean this what we’ve cultivated in this country for the past 50+ years. Vapid, grotesque, psychopathic, uninformed, anti-intellectual trash. A Real World Jackass Monster Energy country

SCOOP: A US Treasury threat intelligence analysis has designated DOGE staff an ‘insider threat'. An internal email reviewed by WIRED calls DOGE staff's access to federal payments systems “the single biggest insider threat risk the Bureau of the Fiscal Service has ever faced.”

Are the doors locked? Because this skinny Walter White looking motherfucker wouldn’t be stopping me from going into an unlocked bldg

I have called for a meeting to discuss creating a memo that will detail a future action plan outlining a mission statement whose subject is how upset we are with the current situation

When we have sex and eat a pan of lasagna in bed after

They absolutely play COD hopped up on GFuel complaining that girls suck and they can’t believe they get banned for saying the n-word

I didn’t think line dancing would be my Joker moment