My oncologist ended today's appointment by saying, "And in September we can talk about changing your medication. And it's up to you, there are no wrong answers." What?? Lady, just TELL ME the answers!

She might as well give the speech honouring herself because who even comes close?

You tried this in 2014 and it was great! Literally no one is stopping you, Baldwin!

I ran out of my deoderant the other day and so put on my boyfriend's instead. Two days and multiple showers later I still smell it on myself! This is disgusting! I wish I could cut my armpits out

Valerie Cherish going from industry joke to the smartest person in the room is an impressive narrative trick, incredibly satisfying, and completely believable. Is this how people felt watching SUCCESSION?

They banned him from Twitter so we didn't have to see what he says. We bought him a special app to ruin all by himself. Why do I still have to read what he says????

The other night like 5 of us got together to make pizza, watch cartoons, and get naked so yeah, pretty much!

Let's bring back "woo!"-free applause. Just clap. I went to a great local production of Death of A Salesman a few weeks ago. By the curtain call, you'd think it was Miss Teen USA.

Ice cubes cool a drink but also water down a drink so I've had enough! Let's clean some actual rocks, stick 'em in the freezer, throw them in our Shirley Temples!

"The only documentary you'll ever see about Lorne Michaels." Not a chance. I swear there's a documentary about that guy every two weeks

While the rest of you were fretting about Trump, I was thinking of great names people could have. Here's one: Betsy Corn

Not to be a sobriety zealot but since I've stopped having an evening cocktail I've also stopped that weird 3:00 AM dread spiral that happens sometimes where you wake up and can't fall back asleep so think about debt climate change assault divorce cancer mass extinction event. So that's a plus!

A broad strokes question, obviously, but I wonder how people of faith react during crises versus athiests? Are they more comforted if they believe everything is preordained? Personally, I find it comforting to think that, if everything is random, our kindness to our neighbours is instinctual

Check in on your "Doesn't matter who you vote for. They're all gonna do the same thing" friends, who must be vaping extra hard today

This show INDUSTRY is so confusing because I don't even know the industry it refers to! It's equal parts jargon and British idiom "We've got to get a block of leads before the initial valuation" "Yeah! And if you miss the February on this flair deck you can kiss the bollocks, cherry dice!"

Unbelievable. This bus stopped, some guy stands up, says, "I'm gonna have a smoke, don't leave without me." AND THE BUS WAITED FOR HIM! You really don't get what you want in this life unless you ask

Sabrina Carpenter is pop's only fun person anymore! I mean, aside from Nana Mouskouri

It's discouraging to think that, even if I somehow got in shape, it would be that gross, melted old man version of in shape where your whole body looks like a penis that's been put through the dishwasher

I hope tonight's the night because our plans just got canceled so we have snacks and free time and clean sheets on the guest bed so we could absolutely host a "He's Dead" party

I'm very stupid but I have a question: is the advantage of having granite countertops that every surface becomes a cutting board? That seems dumb. Or do you put a cutting board on top of a granite surface? Because THAT seems dumb!

Every new Stacey Kent album is better than the last. It's like hearing favourite songs for the first time. One of the best we've got Stacey Kent - A Time For Love share.google/4qtyxYHCdJ0H...

Work was slow so I got 15,000 steps, hooked up twice, ate a turkey sub, and now I'm gonna watch Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. EASTER!!!!

Representation matters. That's why we need a Marvel superhero with a constant need for reassurance

If Katy Perry was still in space she could greet them! Bad timing!

Candy is worse than ever! Bought some easter eggs, they are hard as rocks! There's no punchline here, only a culture in precipitous decline

A suggestion from me, an inclusive grammar nerd: try adopting the singular they/them as your default with people! It's polite and (likely) ahead of the curve! "My friend Chelsea is joining us for the party." "Great! What time are they arriving? Excited to meet them." Easy!

Long form interviews were so compelling on radio that they were moved to TV, where they were packaged into late night or daytime programming that became too expensive to produce so the best in that field moved into podcasts which are audio only media that is moving to video, do I have that right?

Between this and Joni's rambling, confused speech at the Juno's, we have to find a way to honour our legends without letting them do or say anything

RuPaul having an absolute strangehold on gay culture for so many years despite placing her own pop culture appreciation firmly in 1978 is wonderful. The lesson is, don't try to be cool, just like the stuff you like

I hope I'm wrong but it seems like "the Epstein files!" is becoming a catch-all blue wave rejoinder like, "But her emails!" or "The orange cheeto!" We (understandably) can't sit with the discomfort of decades of child rape facing no consequence but can we not meme this one?

Product idea, poor man's trademark. Sewing cloth plate covers for the weights at the gym so instead of saying, like, "10 kgs" or "25 lbs" they say, "BOSS BITCH" or "RAY'S MAXIMUM STRENGTH" (if your name was Ray). I'd feel a lot better benching my sad 25s if each plate said "SEX MACHINE" or something

We're nice boys, but I think this hookup and I just gave each other scathing reviews

Is it difficult and cringe to make new friends as an adult? Yes. Is it worth it? Always. It's like the song says, "What good is sitting alone in your room? Get out of the fucking house"

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom you: you DO have kids me: WHAT

Mrs. Hat

I don't know why this is in my algorithm because can you imagine needing instructions???

I'm on a tear lately but this is the COVER of a MAGAZINE. She looks like she's trying to find her car in a mall parking lot! Fire everyone involved!

At an expensive brunch place and the coffee is bland and tepid. I appreciate that you can build an elderberry passionfruit mimosa, but can you stick the java in the microwave for 30 seconds?

Valerie Bertinelli's publicist works harder than I ever have in my entire life

I don't understand closing access to the ATM at night. Like, does the machine have to go home and sleep?

I think it's time I wrote a vanity book with James Patterson. It's called OBJECTION! and it's about a lazy gay guy who gets into arguments

can it be closed down sooner

This guy had an NBC sitcom in the 90s and the Shrek movies. He's not hurting for money. And he was in CONCLAVE like a year ago so he's not lacking for material either. So what are we to conclude, Lithgow? Sounds like you're "almost" a bigot

That stupid ORDINARY! that I've heard every single day for like a year

If I knew how to TikTok, I'd post my impression of Hugh Dancy--a wonderful British actor on Law & Order who's choppy American accent and frantic "NOO YAWK!" manner makes it seem like he's always taking a dump youtu.be/0vyE65Ux-eM?...

I like to think I'm all classy but a truck driving by just splashed me a little and I let out this loud, low "fuuuuuck" like I was passing a stone

Was in a foul mood because the clinic that does cancer scans/bloodwork was running 90 minutes behind. Then a woman came in with her baby who screamed and cried while technicians searched for (and couldn't find) a vein and ultimately sent them away. Goddamn it. Our problems are nothing

For the 100th Oscars they should only honour films that clock in at 100 minutes or less because MAYBE THEN YOU'D RECOGNIZE BLACK BAG!!! YOU COWARDS!!!

Not always a Conan guy but that was excellent. Leaf blower bit killed me