Saint #InnocentOf Alaska and Tweety

I am #InnocentOf all charges. I don't even know whose head - I mean what you think you found.

Please, Molly, tell me you're #InnocentOf racketeering in drugs.

#BreakingTheChainsForTheNewYear means the Spooky Man could get you!

#BreakingTheChainsForTheNewYear is nothing. I ever show you girls how I shoot ping pong balls?

#MyChristmasEveIs reserved for John McClane and Jesus.

#GetSentimental reflect upon your former earthly existence.

#GetSentimental go pester the dead folk.

#IOnlyWearUglySweatersWhen robbing banks.

#IOnlyWearUglySweatersWhen they reflect the reason for the season.

#MyNewAccessoryIs broken boards.

#MyNewAccessoryIs a necklace.

#MyNewAccessoryIs the hat from Burn!

Thank you, Lord, but #NoOneNeedsTo be told not to miss the Great Snatch.

#NoOneNeedsTo buy a mug shaped like Gene Simmons' head, until they actually see one, of course.

#BadChristmas2025GiftIdeas regifting.

#BadChristmas2025GiftIdeas the horse potty.

#BadChristmas2025GiftIdeas a book about bird shit.

When you're #TooBusyFor Dildo, you're #TooBusyFor life.

#TooBusyFor beating myself up.

#TooBusyFor pants

#TooBusyFor checking the straps.

#TrappedBy Titano! The Monster That Time Forgot

#TrappedBy the Terror of the Future

If you see this, repost with your model of positive masculinity.

I'm a paperboy. I work for the Courier. #IdLikeProtection against the Sentinel.

#IdLikeProtection against, uh, fetishists.

#IdLikeProtection if I'm going to testify against Bugsy.

#MakeABlockbusterAHolidayMovie Bill & Ted's Excellent Advent

Christmas shopping #CuresMyWinterBlahs

#WhatIDoNOTWantForChristmas dinner all in one stratified can.

#WhatIDoNOTwantForChristmas a hippopotamus.

Are you guys sure we're #NotDeadYet? I'm starting to wonder if we might be

I'm sorry, I can't eat this. It's #NotDeadYet

Please stop just repeating, #NotDeadYet and let me take you to the doctor.

#TruthBeKnown I come from a town near a town called Colchester, and I've always thought of myself as a Colchesterite.

#TruthBeKnown you hear so much about the place I kind of expected more.

#TruthBeKnown this week the fire might be the nicest part.

#GiveThanksFor When we've raised our last glasses, the holiday passes, And so do the gases from out of our asses, As meat, greens and roots, gravies and fruits, Turn to redolent clouds of boisterous toots.

#TheSongOnTheJukeboxIs Diamonds, Rats, and Gum

#TheSongOnTheJukeboxIs Mother Grease the Cat by Ancient Grease.

Buck up, lad, it's #AlmostOver now. Once your feet are on the ground just push up a little and it'll pour right out.

We're #AlmostOver da target. Let 'em have it!

Their long, grisly reign is #AlmostOver but we're not out of the woods yet.

#MillennialYoMammaJokes Yo mamma so millennial she never let you play Trouble because "Popamatic" sound too much like "problematic."

#MillennialYoMammaJokes Yo mamma so millennial she asks, "why do you ever call?"

#MillennialYoMammaJokes Yo mamma so millennial she ain't playing this game cause she's afraid Yo Mamma jokes are cultural appropriation.

#SafetyFirst Post a list of emergency phone numbers including Police, Fire, ambulance and lion tamer.

It's too dark too see, but there are still tracks out here and it rains out here, so I guess there are still tracks inside. Now keep your hands inside the cart. #SafetyFirst

My position #OnPurpose is if I was supposed to have one, I'd have some glimmer what it was by now.