Dunno why I read photo captions these days when there's no chance I know the name of anyone pictured in a bikini.

I'm thrilled to see Kwanza Humphrey enjoying so much success! This, following a five-painting installation at the new Kansas City International Airport. And my home, where his work often graces the background of my videos.

Urinals have been on my mind lately. Or sites that could become urinals, and my ambition to someday tour them and offer a golden tribute. Until then, just polishing these graveyard Capezios.

Got up and took a 4AM weekend shower because my clock was blinking the wrong time from power outages. Had I cleansomnia, this place might be spotless.

Until someone offers contrary evidence, I'm claiming to have solved the identity and relationship of more DNA matches than any living human. I've seen bigger family trees than my 20,000, but not with 1000+ of them confirmed.

It was a strange, brief confluence when our role models were Weird Al, Hulk Hogan, Pee-Wee, and David Lee Roth.

With all these bizarre happenings, Mercury must be in Astroglide or someshit.

My main thought about this new season of House of the Dragon is that we're still waiting for the release of the Epstein files.

Belgium may have eaten our lunch, but I'm gonna drink their beer.

Sorry to keep you waiting nine years for a third one while I cranked out those companion Riffs videos. Feel free to air along like it's 1987 and no one's watching. 🎧🎸

Should you read about some masked vigilante spotted enforcing compliance of judicial orders, that's just me dressing for the job I want.

Heard this song at least 50 times recently. I don't even listen to music I LIKE this much.

For those newly attempting to enjoy televised international soccer, skip the first half to pound pints while barbecuing beef. This can also enliven the conclusion of other events, from custody hearings to colonoscopies.

This air freshener smells like Solarcaine. Ah, summer.

This is Christopher Priest, one of the old school writers of Black Panther (1990s) & Marvel's 1st black editor, discussing his time/interactions with Larry Hama -- the guy who created the classic comics version of G.I. JOE. Hindsight of my own experiences makes this incredibly important to me.

That's why it's called virtue signaling: You raise a flag and see who salutes it.

DoorDash should’ve bought the sponsor package that Powerade got, so when a player is injured, it looks like medics are delivering emergency grub. #FIFA

If you save your best song for an encore, you won't get one.

For context on Buddy Guy's age, he was Jimi Hendrix's hero.

Compromise: Install the removed lettering from the Kennedy Center onto the bottom of the Reflecting Pool.

Another thing I resent about The Man is making me refer to Portugal the country.

They could fit the entire population of Curaçao in two Arrowhead Stadiums.

If you're curious about playing #GranTurismo, I raced all the cars for you in VR and cut them into 30-second highlights by manufacturer. Nearly everything I've ever wanted to drive, including my own car.

Whenever they cut to a shot of that FIFA overlord, whom I know nothing about, I picture him next to the word “cuck” in the wiktionary.

It's like a reverse trojan horse the virus has to squeeze back into.

Not every city needs a Ferris wheel. A few iconic skylines benefitted, but so many now look the same. They belong on a trailer for seasonal traveling use, like a boat.

Great to see KC visitors getting into the World Cup spirit via BBQ for a … wait for it … messi lunch. #dadjokes

I worked a couple decades in e-learning, and after nearly as long, think I may have finally gotten my parents to understand the concept of copy/paste.

Help! Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes! She came in through the bathroom window. She loves you, yeah. We can work it out. If I fell in love with you yesterday, baby, you can drive my car. I feel fine, Michelle. Here comes the sun; let it be in my life. Pretty good setlist.

Blue Horseshoe loves Anacott Steel

It would be a shame if the world's richest man were randomly selected for a drug screen by his board. Or not randomly. Can't trust the safety of products with someone so addled at the helm.

Oh good, I thought maybe Aerosmith was announcing another tour.

I'm gonna use Who Wore It Better? comparisons as an excuse to start photographing my meals.

My niece's web comic, five chapters so far. Show her some love. #pride reninthemachine.thecomicseries.com/comics/1/#co...

This feels like a question on a Bar exam, I imagine, having never taken one or my parents' lives.

How do you celebrate the launch of your new novel? Watch a 1990s indie flick. #BookSky #HorrorBook #VampiresRule @nwreader.bsky.social

When I said I was ready for the fall, I meant autumn not societal collapse.

Because I never attended one as a kid, I've always pictured a Meatballs-type getaway whenever others mention any kind of camp, and am always disappointed to learn they just mean a local daily commute.

Design an ignition lock that requires a pardoned driver to acknowledge the winner of the 2020 election. Also on my to-do list are reheating some leftovers and finding a job that values this amazing brain.

This administration couldn't negotiate the return of the McRib.

When a post, headline, and excerpt all match, congrats on an asshat-trick.

I wonder how D.C. police handle what must be thousands of calls nightly about wellness checks for the occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania posting nonstop lunacy and threats. Being full of lies doesn't make them false alarms.

THROWBACK JOKE: Grandma fell on her way to church and ripped her dress. She awoke surrounded by onlookers and asked "Is mass out?" "No," someone said, "but I saw a nipple next to your navel."

I haven't felt this indifferent to a Star Wars movie release since the last few.

Okay, who passed the Old El Paso?

We need a symbol for "is a distraction from" to simply formulas like: ballroom⌇slush⌇war⌇Epstein⌇cronyism⌇tariffs⌇ICE, etc. The order of operations barely matters at this point.

Can it be Colbert's last week every week?

Is this thing on? RON HOWARD VOICE: It was not.

You'll get to the right answer faster by posting a known falsehood than by asking the question, because we're more eager to correct than assist. I forget who said that, but maybe if I misattribute it …

Decades of spam emails about E.D. must reeeeally suck for Ed.