“but you have no reason to be anxious” bold of u to assume i need a reason

happy April 25 to all who celebrate

Men really took the most tender, sensitive part of their body (balls) and made it synonymous with toughness and strength. adorbs

new oversharing substack just dropped! read & subscribe if you please 💖

I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

YES I filed my TAXES because I’m a RESPONSIBLE ADULT and an ARTIST and that’s exactly WHY when I say I FILED MY TAXES what I MEAN is I filed an EXTENSION. again

new substack just dropped, would love you to read 💖

every morning when vyvanse kicks in I have a 45 min window in which I’m capable of texting back, answering emails and generally being a functional person. if u miss me in that window, sooo sorry try again tmw babe

me when girls get drunk & end up slurring “ive always wondered what it’d be like to kiss a woman…”

wish I could’ve been in the meeting where copywriter presented this on a slide deck. an icon tbh!

miss her every day

2008 was crazy. you could really just throw on a gold leotard, hot pink tights and a giant statement Owl necklace and call it a night

my fellow queer & trans people: in these horrifying times, now more than EVER, it is SO important we prioritize having an unhinged amount of filthy queer sex

know I’m getting old bc every song playing in this dentist’s office is a goddamn BOP. counting crows, the cranberries, MGMT?! I’ll take one unnecessary root canal, pls

marriage is hard, but we don’t talk enough about how with the right person it’s also just having a fun slutty giggly sleepover for the rest of your life

Kendrick’s jeans are 90s teen/ elder millennial representation

gotta be honest. with everything absolutely crumbling around us…the disappearing and crashing planes situation is pushing me over the edge

being a queer & trans family is unspeakably weird right now, because my to do list is like 1. Buy toilet paper 2. Get groceries 3. Get passports for the kids in case we need to leave the country

I know this is terrible but return-to-office would be 1000000% better if you could vape

it’s honestly so important to bring the slutty queer vibes to the corporate hang

trying to explain my social media job to my friend who saves lives for a living

hey my husband & I saw you and your boyfriend from across the bar. we think you need couples therapy, here’s our therapist Emily’s number she rules

“you’re so funny” thanks one time in English AP I compared Brothers Karamazov to the 90’s Sandra Bullock movie “The Net” and it became a running bit in class the entire year

be careful what you say around kids. I don’t mean cursing I mean I just turned to my six yr old and said “this train’s so crowded” and she was like “LITERALLLLLLLY”

ACT UP, 1990

absolute worst guy you know is currently telling his friends he’s gonna “try his hand at standup comedy”

FYI 🩷

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

I don’t think America is ready for 2025. needs a few years to sit and reflect its life choices

December is all about giving up. caramel corn for breakfast? yes. Sweatpants outside? hard yes. working hard to actualize your dreams? lol NOPE see you next year

being home for the holidays is all about your parents being like HEY REMEMBER WHEN THAT TERRIBLE EMBARRASSING THING HAPPENED TO YOU HAHAHA THAT WAS HILARIOUS

depressed people are like let’s play some Christmas music and put on River by Joni Mitchell

I fear I’m Exactly like Other girls ( I say please & thank you to chat gpt because I don’t want to be rude or hurt its feelings)

with every passing year, I may not get smarter, prettier or wiser. but I do get cuntier

sometimes I play a game called Race Against Time, and it’s me trying to frenetically absorb as many obscure facts about a singular obscure subject as possible before my phone dies. after which, the subject too, is also forever dead to me. it’s fun

that thing where you grew up in the 90s so once in a while u need to casually google whether or not you’re allowed to be yourself 😭

I don’t HATE Wicked, I’m just holding space for the part of me that’s compelled to hate the thing that everybody loves

change my password??? but that’s my emotional support same password I’ve used for everything since I was 15

I want a drug that recreates the feeling of being a kid who falls asleep in the car and is then gently carried to bed

“what would you do if you were gonna die tmw” literally just smoke cigarettes

Hi

more like Supreme Court injustices, amirite

wow you’re so detail- oriented!! (derogatory)

99% of parenting is just sitting down and getting right back up

the gay agenda? you mean making a big pot of soup and sharing it with a group of gay people while you collaboratively complete a kitten puzzle

instead of asking “how are you,” we should start conversations with “so what’s been haunting you this week”

i’m basically an avocado. come at me before I’m ready and I’m like GET AWAY FROM ME but then ignore me for two seconds and I will ROT

wish I loved anything as much as Gwyneth Paltrow loves being unrelatable

the way I feel about Bluesky is exactly how I felt with my boyfriends in high school before I came out. like I WANT to want to, but my heart’s not in it

nothing makes you feel better about your relationship than married upstairs neighbors who are always SCREAMING