My biggest curse is that i tweet bangers at 4am. My other biggest curse is alcoholism which makes me think im Hilarious at 4am.

Now that i have bothered every single person in my family with memes, it’s time to Drink More.

If you depend solely on selling your body's abilities in order to survive, and you don't supervise anyone or own stock, you are a worker. Full stop.

hate to break it to everyone who thinks it’s still the early 20th century but Baristas are workers Retail workers are workers Servers are workers Wait staff are workers Low level office workers are workers Gig economy workers are workers Secretaries are workers Yall exhaust me

Watching Belle w my gf, it’s like a combination of our favorite things Her’s- Anime Mine- Being Extremely Online

Making sure i wont get a proper night’s sleep tonight by eating an entire metric kyle worth of spicy beef jerky & alcohol.

My gf “how was lord of the flies ur favorite book in 5th-8th grade” Me “it changed me?” Gf “my favorite book in middle school was The Stranger” Me “ah, i read that in 6th grade then stared at the wall silent tears on my cheeks for an hour” Gf “yes that was me w lord of the flies”

Ululating at the bar For The Culture.

Lord Of The Flies miniseries on netflix? Yes ma’am thank u & please; i used to love that book, must have read it 50 times in 5th grade.

in all seriousness i am done smoking weed for good i am now smoking weed for evil

Yeahhh Gonna take my horse to the old town road Gonna cryyy till i cant no more Or whatever Gay Cowboy Daddy said.

I talk a lot of shit for a bitch what wont post Face on main.

I like watching Star Wars stuff w my gf & I’m tired of everything being treated like if I Enjoy Star Wars On Main then it means i think Lucasfilm is the pinnicle of cinema, when rly im just stoned &having fun w my gf watching my favorite thing & it’s honestly not deeper than that

(FB oomf) “yknow it’s not like… an act of violence to block someone!” Me “it is when i do it”

I was gonna say today is the one day a year i, a star wars fan, get to be insufferable on the internet. Because i forgot about every other day where i also do that.

Not a single compliment on my obnoxious Jar Jar hat at the grocery store, meesa offended & hurt.

Hey can we call them death camps yet or will I get yelled at again for "insulting" WW2.

Happy Star Wars day

Little kids are so funny dude 💀 my cousin’s friend’s 4 y/o comes up to me & goes “i wrote u a letter” & i open it & it’s the letter A 💀💀💀

Oh no i left my schizophrenia meds in my mom’s room I can either wake her up now, to get them while gently tip-toeing about. OR later, like when i need to inform her at 6am that the pond outside has grown larger On Purpose & Deliberately At Me.

I’m too comfortable on this air mattress in the middle of the living room, where is my kitty cat whomst God actually onlyput on this earth solely just to test me, as a person. Every time i feel comfy now im like “WELL Touchdown would never stand for this”

Not Based Brother telling me he couldn’t finish his drink & i can have it & i sit there taking a big gulp expecting a gin & tonic & it’s just fuckin tap water. How DARE you make me hydrate myself on accident.

U guys my cousin got married right on the shore of the Chesapeake bay with the bay bridge in the background. I love Maryland ppl we a different breed.

Mom “did u find the bathroom?” Me “I did, bc I TOLD YOU im a Jedi” Mom “oh well ur aunt lisa said she helped u find it” Me Mom Me “WELL SHE’S MY OBI-WAN”

Every time i go to a family event on my mom’s side i make friends with a whole cousin or 2 what i forgot i had. I fuckin love Sicilians, dawg. Why are we So Many 💀

Not me making a point to say “well they say God promised them my house 3k years ago so idk what to do??” to every single person that asks if the cockroach issue is resolved yet. Nope, it is not, & I stay making this discussion awkward On Purpose just so i can say FREE PALESTINE.

U guys im at my mom house & in the other bedroom & evidently it’s on ME to stumble appropriately into the CORRECT bedroom EVERY TIME & if i dont it’ll be a Whole Thjng bc 2 of my sisters are sleeping in my usual Room Of Dtunken Shame “Oh noor just drink less” NO U GO DRINK LESS.

Having face blindness at a Sicilian wedding weekend is like the final boss of Autism

My mom & I both have the smallest bladders known to both man & God, taking bets on whomst is gonna need a frantic bathroom trip first as we embark upon a quest to BWI & back to pick up my youngest sister lmao

I totally forgot donald trump had a cameo in the drew carey show (season 2 finale) that was such a jumpscare 💀

Courtney Love “But Julian I’m A Little Bit Older Than You” Julian Casablancas “and another thing, Hamas did nothing wrong” Courtney, I love u but Julian has made a Point.

According to the cockroach i just stomped on with a Finality, God promised the cockroaches my condo 3 thousand years ago. What Charlie do now??

Me explaining George Thorogood to my gf “because I rly follow that white man around like he’s Phish but for alcoholics”

The older i get the more “intergalactic” by beastie boys becomes a top 20 lifetime favorite song.

unrelenting

I cant believe the gubmint is harassing me about my emotional support cat when the president gets at least 3 emotional support fake assassination attempts a year. Surely one (1) silly kitty cat with lines should not be anyone’s hyperfixation except mine.

It’s lesbian visibility day so will someone please give a very nice lesbianese queen Roach Motel money because in on the front lines of a war i did not start, like i just got here 😭 C$/VM MuslimMissWorld Paypal.me/aviewsocruel/

Next time there’s an obviously staged assassination attempt, has anyone considered hiring whoever was in charge of the props in The Crow.

You either die a Charlie Kirk or live long enough to be an Alex Jones. Either way, your legacy is memes made at your expense while your benefactors pivot to funding someone even more fascistic.

They’re gonna have to invent a word stronger than schadenfreude to explain the way I feel watching Alex Jones fucking lose everything. My 12 year long vendetta feels almost settled. Almost.

Me “WHEN IM LENIN-” Gf *patpat* “yes dear, when you’re Lenin”

Why did making a “mf it’s like Roachella in here” joke come to me AFTER the exterminator cleared the building 😭

Me & my gf watching a movie/show: Her “oh that’s {actor}! They’re also in {movie/show}! Did you know *insert cool cinephile fact*” Me “omg that’s {other actor} they {said/did something horrible, probably on twitter}! which by the way *insert depressing fact*”

Fun horror concept i may fuck around with in a short story. Crossroads demon but with a twist. You sell your soul for fame & become a huge success but you will INEVITABLY do/say something that destroys your entire legacy UNLESS you end your life at the peak of fame.

Vacuuming up dead cockroaches gives me the same satisfying feel as those power washing videos.

There is one (1) benefit to being an alcoholic. Sometimes u add a song to ur Likes because u heard it in a tv show, then u promptly forget about it. Then ur just minding ur own business listening to Likes on shuffle & oh here’s a gift from Drunk Noor. That queen.

“I literally told my mom tonight at dinner, oh when I talk to Noor tonight she’s GONNA talk about bugs” my gf Honestly yes. Any time u talk to me ever im gonna bring up bugs. Either how cute they are & i love them OR that i have a personal vendetta against all cockroaches.

Me “seeing Courtney Love live is on my bucket list” Gf “aww what if i took u to a wax museum with her wax statue in it” Me “YOU MEAN WHERE THE STATUES CAN ALL COME ALIVE AND KILL US” Lesley “well then u would get to be killed by Courtney Love” Me “wait, valid point”

Sean is at 711 & said they have a Dr Pepper flavored hot dog, that is the most American coded thing i have ever heard of 😭