if the children’s book author didn’t want me to sympathize with the green fuzzy guy who hates christmas they shouldn’t have made him fucking hot and sexy as fuck

askin the hair stylist to buzz a gradient silhouette of the twin towers into my side shave call that.. world Fade center

the hunt to casually know a world war two freak who isnt also a big sex pest continues

humming the dies irae on september tenth two thousand twenty five

r/burgers

slender man story set in the star wars universe. who gives a shit. do it

if you play me a song that even remotely touched blockbuster film history i will be the piece of shit to say “that’s the [garbage movie] song” even if it’s a huge band

came up with this bit where being born on a Cusp Year is a lot like being genderfluid but it keeps reading like the millennial hack comedian in me is winning and the gen z in me fucking hates it

just found out about squat toilets. lmao u mean all toilets if you’re not a fucking coward?

hooking up this generative AI machine to my own drinking water supply so i can deprive myself of fluids to atone for generating Ring Doorbell videos of gender reveal parties that experience a terrible arson

cis men if you got a shirt that says “better a chaser than a clout chaser” i personally would find that hot. no one else would find that hot but i would find that hot. sorry guys

look we’ve all aspired to do dangerous things instead of managing our time and mental health better; some of us just make sure those dangerous things can hurt other people AND ourselves

trans men consider looking into glen’s dad from the original nightmare on elm street as a new gender model for men. need more guys runnin around sayin “i think that kid is some kinda lunatic or somethin” just like that

big fan of isolated moments in time when things are just good. love those. wanna collect em and refer to em

“diehard is a christmas movie” “lethal weapon is a christmas movie” “iron man 3 is a christmas movie” buddy who cares ur kids won’t visit you for christmas anyway so u can watch any movie u want & say its a christmas one

esther dyol was white in the comics smh

still calling bluesky posts “tweets”. the fuck is elon gonna do about it—be the worst thing about iron man 2 again?

beware headphone users! [plays thanos oppenheimer epic rap battle of history at normal volume]

communist rebranding, calling all marxists “karl’s juniors” now

pissing in a cup pretransition and selling it a few years post-op like a comic collector selling his Amazing Fantasy #1 issue in 2021

slasher films don’t have music industry celeb cameos anymore and thats frankly fucked up, get the weeknd in SAW XI right now

curating my tiktok algorithm to only show stand-up comedy tiktoks as a way to ween myself off of smoking and onto something else that makes me die over time

shit [rummaging through desk drawer] shit shit [flipping mattress] FUCK [searching trick vent covers] i can’t find the key to my fucking piss trunk

girls dont poop; we [does handstand] boob

freddy krueger; everything is the same except his red and green striped sweater is actually rainbow And he says fag instead of bitch. don't say this is Freddy's Revenge (1985) i don't care if you're right

nicotine: i will slow down your gender transition by mildly counteracting your estrogen intake me: damn i should stop smoking nicotine: i also make you shit a lot. like ur gonna be shittin all the time me: damn i should smoke more

boyhood is still being made. it’s been 23 years. how much longer is it going to fucking be

lynchian senator sanders. feel the dern

the “thirty-year cycle” in cinema predicts a Harlem Shake Needle Drop in a 2040’s period piece. hug your loved ones

what are your favorite oxymorons? i like “jumbo shrimp” and “major motion picture studio art”

ask a damn gen z kid what a “calculator” is and they scratch their freakin heads!!!! listen up CHILDREN, it’s an invention that lets you count your life points in yugioh

[mocking voice] ohhh u shouldn’t pick up half-smoked cigarettes off the street, Oohh you don’t know what kind of germs are on them, oOhH i really need you to stop referring to that as “giving a stranger a lil kiss” OOHHHh,

officer i swear i only reached for ur firearm to bum one

the timeline in which Gangsta’s Paradise is to Sonic the Hedgehog what All Star is to Shrek was burned right in front of our ungrateful fucking eyes

how u gonna dunk on ur husband for being called sheldon when his work competitor across the street a whole ass eugene

if u do the “ask a person to sign an old facebook photo of themself” trend to a trans person (and i find out) i will fill every sink and shower drain in your home with my shit

he aa on my aA til i AAAA

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind but it’s about a trans girl and a chaser

yo tranny phantom she was just fourteen when her parents started her on HRT

ONE WEEK by the barenaked ladies has a literal threat in it. “im the kinda guy who laughs at a funeral; can’t understand what i mean? well you soon will” what the fuck

thanks i really fucking dislike it

writing “worlds first autistic poker league” on a big white board and circling/underlining it eight times, preparing to pitch it to the president of games

havent (symbolically) crapped in like two years at least

shit my pants while watching The Room. thats a Tommy Ache

lookin for a truck stop husband or an airport wife

making one of those Shower Thoughts tiktok accounts and the only video on there is me sitting in an underlit lounge saying “if u think about it, the r-slur is the only one whose reclamation has an insurance paywall”

added jesus to the group chat i hope thats ok

building a coalition of women who order fried pickles or jalapeño poppers as the full meal