When I want to watch brainless TV I turn on Seeking Sister Wife where a bunch of obnoxious people “practicing” polygamy repeatedly go out to restaurants to introduce their wives to unsuspecting service workers

I couldn’t remember the phrase sovereign citizen and described it as “someone who decides they are the mayor of their own life”

I saw my orthopedic surgeon for the last time today and I cried and we hugged. He told me that I was one of his most memorable patients for my attitude and my grit through all this and he hopes I keep doing crazy stuff like parkour for the rest of my life 🥹

I want my own thing to go nuts about!!

Respectfully!!!!!

Me purchasing only a diet pop at the gas station and no snacks: reverent, holy, healthy Me two hours into the road trip with only a diet pop: foolish, ignorant, loser

When you’re at a show and the band says they want a frozen margarita you get your ass to the bar and you get that band a frozen margarita!! And you tip the bartender!!!

Is there a way I can respectfully watch Robert Irwin on Dancing with the Stars without having to see any of the other bozos and losers on there and just only Robert Irwin. Respectfully. Thanks

Man I was absolutely certain that LMFAO was going to reunite for Coachella and it was going to turn things around for all of us

Just watched a young man check for the gun in his waistband before entering a Crumbl Cookie in a sleepy Indianapolis suburb we are so cooked fam

If Patti Harrison would go on Taskmaster it would give us all something to live for for just a little while longer

Now’s as good a time as any to mention that Franz Ferdinand put an album out this year and it’s really good

Y’all are way too comfortable wearing custom print polyester clothing because that does not breathe and I’m behind you at shows and can confirm you need to wear breathable fabrics

I am simply too good and wonderful of a person to have to learn what six sigma is

It’s almost a year since my Jackie died so yes I did buy a fashionable urn for my departed bird son www.fashionbrandcompany.com/collections/...

Made office coffee so badly today that I had to walk around and apologize 😞 shameful

time to scroll, what do we got: fascism updates. Jamie Lee Curtis's jumbo yum yums. additional fascism updates,

Is there anyone besides Dumbledore that says anything about what is right and what is easy but don’t say the LMAO but it has Gandalf quote cause that’s a different situation

I am on steroids for my infected spider bites and my body hasn’t felt this good since at least December 13, 2024, if not before then

Ticketmaster email: “Important Information About Your Upcoming Show” you can bring a bag the size of a deck of cards and here are useless things we can upsell you Me: what time are doors? What order are the bands playing in? Ticketmaster Email: VIP Club Access 🙂

In another life I’d be unwashed in a dirty field at the Gathering of the Juggalos right now with cellulitis from four infected spider bites instead I’m in business casual in my high rise office building with cellulitis from four infected spider bites

When someone i treasure and respect says the word “chiropractor”

This is a real actual email i received at my public service job, last month. I hate this disgusting country

Watering my garden with a green bean in my mouth

What just happened on this couch croutonologically can never happen again

Can’t even get a Diet Coke at Whole Foods more like a Whole bunch of bullshit

When I was in my 20s working a thankless admin job in an office I always dreamed that someday I could grow up and be a manager and work a public service job that stresses me out so bad that I burn a hole in my esophagus with stomach acid 🥰

It turns out that what I needed to feel like myself again was to sit in the grass with my friends and talk for hours

I’m gonna be honest I just now found out that Saw wasn’t a little evil doll Puppetmaster situation and instead it’s just a really bad guy

Hey guys have you ever wondered what it would be like if the Cat in the Hat did a whole bunch of soulless freestyle quips well have I got some news for you

Went to church today (@6ami6an6.bsky.social show) recited scripture (chanted “TRANS RIGHTS with Chase Petra) sang hymns (Tarot Cards with S@YP) and tithed (gave Holden @combatbaltimore.bsky.social some walking around money) 🙏 grateful and happy for a nice time listening to emo music in 95 degrees

I’m trying to book a knee tattoo and an IUD removal and replacement and only one of these things has me in mortal terror

Most days at work I’m full Leslie Knope, and proud of it, but today i needed to be Ron Swanson and I was kinda gruff and short with people and went into my office to eat meat alone

Societally and spiritually, we broke things beyond repair when it became possible to buy a bird at the store

The Pacers gave out 5,000 free tshirts today, via a drive up giveaway, during rush hour causing a traffic jam with hundreds of cars and it took me an hour to leave work 🫠

I got to tell a group of dudes on electric longboards and electric unicycles that yeah I’ve got a motor on my bike cause I broke my leg in half doing a backflip in parkour and I felt like the coolest person on earth

An audience of 350,000 people audibly booed Tom Brady at the Indy 500 today

I was buying sandals on Poshmark and for half a second I got self conscious about my huge scars on my legs then I remember that I actually rule and I bought the sandals

A friend asked if I was going to the Drug Church show today i said no, with my current mobility level I’m concerned for my survival 🥴

When the group chat tries to get me to go see Friendship somewhere other than Alamo Drafthouse or the local nice theater restaurant

Three miles from my house this Friday a bunch of Wienermobiles will be driving around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway and I can’t go see it cause I gotta WORK!! if you live in Indianapolis you should get race days off as compensation for having to deal with a quarter million tourists

Using my psychic powers to manifest the mini donut truck to appear outside my work today

I Thought I Was Hungover But It Was A Weather-Related Migraine: Life In Tornado Alley

Had to dodge a Model T driving erratically as I passed treacherous idiotic Costco egress traffic and I thought to myself “I can’t deal with this right now”

Running around the office showing off my new trick of jumping 1”

Righteous Gemstones is so good it makes me almost want to go to church

Y’all need to stop ripping your penjamins a thousand times in crowded shows you ain’t slick and it’s nasty and inconsiderate!!

If you work really hard and make some questionable choices, you can graduate from crying in the walk-in to having your own office to shut the door and cry in

MY HEALTH!!!

I hate the Salesforce Einstein homunculus I hate being forced to see it while I am trying to do work on the computer